Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 24 October 2016

Because Sometimes It Isn't All An Instagram Photo

Tonight I was going to write one of the boys updates. Alexander is now five and Lucas is three months.  

But today has been hard and not the greatest start to half term. One of those days where I've felt like I'm completely failing at this 'Mother of three boys' lark incompetent and feeling completely inadequate for them. Today Big and Small have pushed my buttons - not with any one big thing, but the drip drip drip effect of wearing me down with lots of little things, not listening, fighting with each other, shrill screaming, a bad toileting day, just constant something after another things. Not helped by Zachary waking for the day at 4.30am. So even though Lucas slept through for his second time last night I didn't get a full nights sleep anyway. 

I've been shouty Mummy. I hate it when I'm shouty Mummy. It is so far removed from the gentle parent I want to be and it always ends with me feeling so guilty; knowing that they don't entirely deserve my reaction and I need to get my act together and strive to do so much better. 

They're all so little. They're just little. Most of the time I love their age gaps, but it means none of them are very independent and sometimes I feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew. 

We're still getting to grips with managing these three little people. Its taking me so much longer to adjust to the day to day of three than it did to two. Lucas is the easiest of the lot, (why did I ever think a baby was hard work?!) but still he has changed the dynamic. Especially the days that Jon is in work. Outnumbered. There just isn't enough of me. There isn't enough hours in the day. Some days it feels oh so overwhelming and I can't keep up with them. I can't keep up with the house either and it continues to fall to rack and ruin. 

Today was one of those days. 

An everything spiralling fast kind of day. Feeling stressed by child demands, behaviour and the state of the house. One of those days I hope they will never remember when they're grown. One of those days when I'm nothing like the mother I want to be.  And it feels crap. Even more so when Jon sends my Mum up because he can tell I'm having a struggling with it all day from my texts. As grateful as I am for the help. In hindsight we should've gone for a drive and sleep much earlier on in the day to reset.  

We finally got ourselves together at around 3.00pm. All calmed down and managed some painting. And today, that had to be enough.  

Tomorrow's goal is take them all out for a walk. 

Tomorrow is another day. I hope we're feeling 'back to normal'.  


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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