Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 1 October 2016

The First - Sunrise Dedication

 I missed the sunrise again this year. 

I was awake, up, but I wasn't outside.  If I'm honest I forgot. Earlier in the week I had every intention of getting up and taking a walk up the hill to the park overlooking our house, to sit and see the day and sunrise in. I thought I would have time to do that on a Saturday, with no school run, no chaotic weekday start. But then Lucas's swim session was rearranged from Thursday afternoon to Saturday morning and the days start focus was changed. 

So, at 7.14am (when my BBC weather app tells me was sunrise today), I was just about getting in the shower. I'd already pulled the boys outfits out for the day, organised swimming gear for Lucas and Zachary (who also had a lesson today in the afternoon) and had 45 minutes left to shower, dress, feed Luc and get out of the door to get to his swim on time. Today we've run around, swim lesson, to buying new shoes for the boys, to picking up a heated airer, getting stuck in bonkers traffic in Cardiff, racing to get Zachy to his swimming lesson. Until finally hitting a break at around 4.30pm; but then filling it with sorting out washing, searching for next size up clothes in the garage, sorting out under the kitchen sink and rolling into bedtime routine. It is only in the evenings we often get to take a pause these days. Tonight I've used my pause to watch Strictly. And now, I'm here. Watching Luc stir in his chair and knowing 'my' time is limited.  

The here and now 2016 life is so very busy now.

And we wouldn't have it any other way, life is good. 

But the busier our lives get, especially now we have an extra little person again, the less time there is to consciously grieve. And grieve we still do. Ironic as it may seem, each extra rainbow baby has made her absence even more noticeable to me. Somehow instead of closing the gap in our lives, our children make it feel in some part bigger. I feel her missing, right there like an ache in my chest, every day. Sometimes we need consciously allow ourselves to process beyond the day-to-day. 

Tonight I've read through some of the posts I wrote for Capture Your Grief last year. Last year this project really forced me the opportunity to reflect on where we were and where we are. It forced me to explore parts of grief I'd hidden away. Each title prompt delved into me and picked apart an issue I didn't even realise I needed to process or process again if I had blogged it before. Grief is ever evolving, moving, walking beside us always. 

So Sunrise Dedication. Today on the first of October 2016 I'm going to try and take part in this project again. For me. The intention is Belle and I time. Because last year I felt refreshed for doing it and it was only by doing it that I realised how much I needed it, even when I was feeling in a good place. I don't know if I'll manage to blog on time every day, infact, it is most likely I'll fall behind. But I am going to try and get to the end, eventually, again. 

Capture Your Grief 2016. Day 1. Sunrise Dedication. 


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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