Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 2 October 2016

The Second - Who Are They

Anabelle Violet Morgan.

Sometimes it just feels really good to be able to write down her name. 

Anabelle Violet Morgan. Our Belle. 

Our firstborn. Our daughter. The only daughter we'll have. 

The only daughter we'll have is really beginning to sink in now.  I'm not ready yet to explore the finality of that here. But I will in time. It needs processing but not yet. 

We were so excited to be having a little girl.

Anabelle Violet. Named by her Daddy.

She was nearly Violet. It was up there on the first name choice list along with Anabelle.

She could've been Violet Ivy. Isn't it strange when you think of the variation of name choices that were considered for your children?! To think a different decision would've given them a completely different identity.

But it was Belle that won it. Deciding that Belle was such a pretty short name, that Anabelle would be spelt with the emphasis on Belle rather than Anna; so we dropped an 'n'. And kept Violet as a middle name.

And so began our naming rules. Any girls we may have had from then would have had a flower based middle name. Even though no more girls were to be. 

Years before children were even on the agenda, I had always assumed, taken for granted that one of them would be a girl. I assumed I would have some of each. Doesn't every one? 

It could never have occurred to me that I would indeed have a daughter, but I wouldn't get to keep her. My only daughter. 

If she was here today she would be six. She would be in Year 2 of school. The top of infants. No doubt feeling like the very big girl.  She would be a big sister to three little boys and feeling like Queen Bee. I imagine she would mother hen them. 

It is occurring to me more and more that I have no idea who a six year old girl is. I can't imagine her as six, I can't picture her as six, because I've never had a six year old. In those early years I could imagine her baby-ness. But recently, I've realised that is where she stayed - in my minds eye. My tiny baby girl. 

Born just into the 21st June 2010.

Summer solstice baby. 

00:08

It was a Monday. The day before had been Father's Day. Her head was actually born on Father's Day, but it took around 15 minutes for that final contraction, that final push for her body to follow. 

4lb 5oz. 

45cm.

And you forget don't you, how tiny they are when they are born. 

Lucas is 10 weeks old now, and already, the tiny 6lb 8oz he was is getting beyond me. It blows my mind how very very little and light he felt, and that Belle was over 2lb smaller and 5cm shorter again. 

My tiny girl. I wish six years later I could really remember the weight of her, the size of her. I wish I could feel it. 

To this day I'm still more bothered by baby girls than I am by older girls, girls the same age as Anabelle. Of course they make me wonder but its baby girls that still fill me with great anxiety, sadness, and a ball of grief that threatens to overflow. Longing for the baby girl I could only hold for the briefest of times. Still after six years my immediate reaction is to avoid newborn girls. Six years later I'm still working on over-riding these feelings. But sometimes it is still all too much. 

We have a daughter. Her name is Belle. 


Capture Your Grief 2016. Day 2. Who Are They. 


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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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