Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Friday, 31 December 2010

Two Thousand and Ten

The very best and very worst year of my life.
2010 has meant the world to me and so much more. Despite everything that has happened this year it really has been special; I became a Mummy and nothing is more special than that. Nothing that could ever happen now will compare to the year I became a mother. 2010 has been Anabelle’s year; whatever else has gone on in the world this year, she has been my single number one most important event.
I’m finding it difficult to let go of 2010 at the moment. I’m not ready for it to be ‘last year’ that my daughter died and was born. It’s been her year, I’ve been submersed it in and I don’t want to surface. I know I have no choice but to, even if I wanted to hold onto 2010 forever time would keep moving on regardless.  
We’ve been to visit Belle’s garden today, take down her Christmas decorations and leave fresh flowers to finish 2010. I made a point of telling her how 2010 would always be her year and how important and loved she is; that even though she couldn’t stay with us, we still loved every minute of the 32 weeks we had her. I would rather have had Anabelle briefly than to never have had her at all.
I’ve been trying to decide whether my favourite day of the year was the day we found out our baby was girl and named her, or whether my favourite day was the day I met her and held her in my arms. Both were huge special days. One filled with hope, excitement, anticipation; the other filled with a huge devastating sadness but so much pride and love. It is too close to call; but they definitely are my 2010 highlights.
So we’re about to enter a new year. I’m not sure what is going to be so new about it other than the new digits at the end. Everything in our lives will be pretty much the same. Anabelle still won’t be here, we’ll still be living without her. It’s not going to feel any better just because it was ‘last year’ we lost her. So really it is just an extension of 2010 and this life that we will live forever with a huge Anabelle shaped gaping hole.
What will be new though, albeit temporarily, will be my hair colour. I’m currently sat on my bathroom floor waiting for my new colour to take. It’s only a semi-permanent dye, I’ll be back to blonde by February. But for now I’m starting 2011 as a Black Cherry, sort of red head. (We’ll see how it has turned out shortly. Even if it is hideous it is only going to last 28 washes!)
However, it is symbolic to me; because something had to be new for the New Year.
I wish us all, every bereaved parent I've met on this journey continued hope, strength and love as we start another year without our children.

3 comments:

Marie said...

Bless you x

Anonymous said...

I also feel odd about moving into 2011 and almost feel like I am leaving our son behind - I know I am not leaving him behind really but that we are moving into 2011 and he isn't. The thing I find the most odd that although I wish with all my heart that he was still here I wouldn't wish it away, that he'd never been here, that we didn't feel this pain, without the pain we wouldn't have had the joy of having him, even though it was for such a short time. jmc xxxI also feel odd about moving into 2011 and almost feel like I am leaving our son behind - I know I am not leaving him behind really but that we are moving into 2011 and he isn't. The thing I find the most odd that although I wish with all my heart that he was still here I wouldn't wish it away, that he'd never been here, that we didn't feel this pain, without the pain we wouldn't have had the joy of having him, even though it was for such a short time. jmc xxx

Anonymous said...

Try not to feel like by leaving 2010 you're leaving your baby behind. You never, ever will. For me it was 19 years on New Year's Eve and I was never able to see him, but he's always there. God, it hurts so much, but it's not all the time any more, and it's something I can deal with most of the time. I suppose they call it perspective or something. I don't have a name for any of it. They didn't really acknowledge the little ones that didn't quite make it back then so I don't know what I'm supposed to call it. At least I know why it happened in my case, but even knowing that, I'd rather have what little time I had with him than not have him at all. But every time another milestone passes, I think of him. He's still with me all the way. I didn't leave him in 1991, he came with me and nobody has ever affected my life as deeply, before or since.

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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