After Anabelle

A week today will be Alexander's Dedication day; and the 11th March is going to mean the world to us.It is an important milestone in our journey as Alexander's 'here on earth' parents. 

The last time we were stood at the front of a church with our baby is was Anabelle's funeral and we were handing her over to God's keeping. Broken. Just as that was an important day for our beautiful girl; the only day she could have, this, Alexander's day is just as important. Different. 

Just over a year ago the Pastor's wife asked to pray for me and Jon. She said she had felt led to pray for a future pregnancy. She and two other members of the church sat with me and prayed that God would bless us with another baby, that he would be with us through another pregnancy and that our next baby stay strong and well and come home. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant again! An instant answer. I was completely bowled over by the timing of those prayers; to me it was not a coincidence.

I know many people continued to pray for us throughout our pregnancy. When my faith was lacking and fear overwhelming there were people who kept on holding us up to God, and for that I am thankful too.  Prayers were answered again, and our son came home. 

Somebody said to me quite recently that Alexander is probably one of the most prayed for babies; and they are probably right! And here we are; a year on from those first prayers able to take Alexander to church and show him off as the answer to all of those prayers. I love showing our boy off! 

There are no words to really express just how special it is to us that this time we're able to stand at the front of the church with our baby in celebration and thanksgiving to God instead of sorrow. We're immensely proud of Alexander, just as we are of Anabelle. He deserves a day, just for him. 

So next Sunday is it! 

Quite a few people have asked me what a Dedication is. 

The best way I can think to explain it is there are some similarities to a Christening, apart from there is no water, and much less ceremonial.  But I guess it is the Baptist version, likened to Jesus being taken to the Temple and presented to God when he was a baby.  In my church the atmosphere is relaxed and informal. As simply as I can put it? We'll be making promises to bring Xander up surrounded by God's love and teachings. His 'Godmother' Sorreya will promise to support us as his parents and to be Alexander's special friend. We'll give thanks to God for blessing us with Xander and he and his life will be celebrated, prayed for and blessed. 

I've been really enjoying planning his special day and making it personal to us and him. After a chat with Pastor today we're all set. Next Sunday is going to be so special. 

Well I fell behind on my reasons to be cheerful last week; the days just whizzed by and before I knew it I hadn't posted and was already well into this week! Nevermind. Plenty of reasons to be cheerful this week too:

Who enjoyed the rugby last Saturday?! We did! The Welsh-English game is easily my favourite of the year; I enjoy the banter and rivalry of the two countries and the patriotic Welsh! And the best bit Saturday? Wales winning of course! Great game! This year, Jon is the most into the rugby I've ever know him; must be the dressing up the baby helping along the enthusiasm! 

Hooray for the sun! Sunday we went for an afternoon walk around the boating lake. Xander enjoyed the view of all the trees up above. 

Wednesday, Xander and I got messy! We had a go at his first proper painting session;  well I've learnt using orange paint will end up with a tangoed baby. Two days later he still looks tinted!! 

After painting I was able to put my babies handprints and footprints on the fridge. I scanned and printed Belle's so she could go up too... 

Thursday it was St David's Day; which means it is March and I love March! 

I picked up a jumperoo for the baby! He already loves it! 

And finally, today I am cheerful because when Jon gets home from work our extended birthday week celebrations can begin! The next 10 days I am very excited about!

That's our week but there are lots of other reasons to be cheerful over at Mummy From The Heart. 

... my BFP! 

Last 28th February I wrote a blog about my 8 month old post-partum body. I was feeling a bit fat, wobbly a week before my birthday and feeling old (and still do) before my time; a mother's body without her baby. The ironic thing is, I wrote that post in the morning and then at dinner time that day I found out I was pregnant again! Nevermind post-pregnant body - now it was newly pregnant body!

So a year ago today we found out we were expecting Alexander, although we didn't of course know he was him yet. Another baby. And so started a ruthlessly long pregnancy; can you believe its been a year? 

I find it remarkable that this time last year he was barely a speck and today I have him sleeping in my  arms as I type. A year ago we didn't dare to believe this would actually come true, that he would come true. 

What a wonderful early birthday present he was for us both! A glimmer of a rainbow. 

Last year we were in London on my birthday. The visit in January had mostly done us both good and unsure how birthdays would feel without our Anabelle we'd decided to escape there again for March! 

So on my birthday we visited Hamley's to buy something for our new baby.  We chose a white rabbit with a blue bow; maybe we instinctively knew he was a boy! I was barely pregnant but buying the rabbit was symbolic to us, being brave, not quite hopeful but recognising our new baby, creating a memory with them. Something we could've kept forever of them if it had all gone wrong, even then. 

His rabbit was eventually packed in my hospital bag and the first toy he had with him in the cot after he was born. I must take some pictures of him with it. 

This year we are excited that we get to spend our birthdays with him. Jon as both days off; any ideas what we can do as special birthday days out with the baby? 

*sigh* It gets me thinking though. What complicated lives we lead now; being able to enjoy so much whilst hurting so much about exactly the same thing. Excited that we can have a fun day out with Xander, but sad that we only can with him...bittersweet.

But here right now for today; so thankful that my BFP a year ago is the baby in my arms! Happy 'we've loved you for  a year' day, little man! 

I know I said this last month too, I'll probably be saying it every month; but Alexander has changed so much! Just today Jon has exclaimed that our baby boy is growing up so fast. 

Now four months old he's had a great month. He is coming on leaps and bounds and we're both so excited about this new stage of babyhood in him; the tiny newborn days seem so long ago already! Xander is increasingly becoming more ready to explore his world; less sleeping, more proper playing and interacting! 

So where to start?! 

Well over the last month or so he has definitely had a major growth spurt! All of a sudden he seemed "all-boy" - much more solid and robust. He's now wearing 3-6 month clothes and has gone up to a size 3 nappy, and he seems to be filling his clothes out much more quickly than he filled out his 0-3s! 

Physically he's becoming much more steady with his movements. His head control his amazing and he's so eager to be sitting up; with a little prompt he'll use his tummy muscles and your hands to pull himself into sitting position and will use your hands to support himself there for a short time.  He loves the game! Tummy time has developed from lifting his head to burying his face in the floor instead! Now he'll bury his face and lift his legs and bottom in an attempt to try and launch himself to roll back over. He is not quite there yet, he'll attempt a few times, but easily gets frustrated and starts shouting at me to roll him back! But I really don't think it will be too much longer before he gets it!

Playtime is becoming more and more purposeful. Last month he was swiping at objects; now at four and a bit months old he is so focused on what his hands can do. Attempting to grab toys and succeeding much of the time, he looks so intently at them, and our hands too! If he gets a hold of them straight to his mouth they are trying to go! Chewing on his hands, our hands, the same with bibs and muslins! 

Alexander certainly is starting to like the sound of his own voice! His new sounds are uh-goo and goo-goo; he has also learnt how to screech a little bit to get your attention! He loves a conversation and he is really starting to understand the game; in work we call it intensive interaction. He will make a sound, I will copy it, he notices I've copied him, he repeats it louder, waits and watches me, I copy him;  getting louder and louder and so on and so forth! Very cute! 

We're enjoying being out and about a lot more. Alexander gets a lot out of watching other children; he is mesmerised by other babies and children. Each Monday I now take him swimming and Friday to a baby music session. He is doing so well at both and over only six weeks I've noticed his become more confident in these activities, interact more, developing early emerging skills! 

So important milestones to note this month...

One: The beautiful sound of his first proper laugh! For weeks he has been doing little squeals when getting excited, his version of a laugh, baby laughs! At 16 weeks old Xander did a proper little chuckly giggle! Very cute. So far things that have randomly made him laugh (but never when repeated of course!); my Mum saying all our names in a high squeaky voice, Sorreya tickling him, Jon blowing raspberries on his tummy, and me saying 'Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo' in a funny voice! Now we need to find something that consistently makes him laugh!

Two: Going from the moses basket in our room, into the big cot in his own room. This was a big moment for me, you'll have read the blog about my neurotic obsessing about it, getting anxious about it. But in reality the move has been remarkably smooth. We'd pushed the moses beyond its limit and I knew it was time for the cot. He looks so tiny in his big bed! For a few nights Xander took longer to settle into bed, but once down and asleep he has continued to sleep really well. He seems really happy and comfortable in his own cot and there have been perks to him being in his own room; once again we can snuggle up in bed and watch the evening TV from up there without the risk of disturbing the baby so much! 

Three: Xander really shows recognition of Jon and I as Mummy and Daddy now. This is such a huge development leap; knowing there are 'special' people! He absolutely beams when he sees us; much more so than anyone else.  He is also starting to show differing behaviours for familiar and not so familiar faces and is even sometimes becoming very wary, unsure.  And on a couple of occasions now with unfamiliar faces; looking around for us and crying until he is back in our arms! 

So that was Alexander turning four months old! I wonder what his fifth month is going to bring!? We're really enjoying watching him grow! We're so unbelievably proud of him! Do my teacher type reports show?! 

He is such a blessing, every day. 

Ah, I've been tagged in a game. The rules are as follows - 

1)Who do you think would win in a fight, snap, crackle or pop? Crackle

2) If you could dress in only one colour for the rest of your life what would it be? Blue, it brings out the colour of my eyes.

3)cloth or disposable? Disposable. I know, not eco-friendly.

4)Would you most like to wake up next to tomorrow? My husband of course.

5)What is your favourite film? When Harry Met Sally

6)If you won the lottery what would be the first thing you bought? A bigger forever home house. Nothing flashy, not a ridiculous mansion. Just a nice sized 4-bed with a good catchment school. Closely followed by a new car.  

7)And who would be the first person you called? My Mum and Dad

8)Did you have a nickname at school and what was it? Caz was my proper nickname. Some silly people called me Aston for a while – as in Aston Villa. My maiden name is Villars… 

9)How many children would you like, and does your OH want the same number? I’ve always wanted 3. Jon always just wanted one. So far we have two. Not in the way it is supposed to be of course. But we do plan one more. So it will be 3. 

10)Knock Knock. . . Who's there? (finish the joke) – Abbott. Abbott who?  Abbott time you opened the door. (and yes, I’ll admit it, Jon googled one for me!) 

11)Describe yourself in three words. You tell me...?! 

12)What is next on your bucket list? I don’t have a bucket list…

I was all set to eat my words. My rant last week prompted by a negligent insensitive comment on twitter. Really I was. All ready to be proved wrong and to take my rant back. 

When I heard OBEM was focussing on a lady who had a previous baby born sleeping this week I was a bit flabbergasted. Last weeks rant couldn't have been more aptly timed. 

After not being able to bring myself to watch the series since Anabelle died; this week I braved myself up to it. I wanted to try and watch in solidarity of the brave family having their rainbow child. 

So I've sat and watched. I spent the first 30 minutes feeling physically sick and full of nervous energy.  I made Jon sit and watch it with me. 

Now at the end of OBEM I am disappointed. Disappointed with the series and the hospital. 

Firstly, I will applaud what I think they did do quite well; so people don't think I'm all negative...

I thought the grandmother talking of her experience decades ago was really very moving. It gave a real glimpse of a grief that lasts forever. A grief like mine. Her fear of something going wrong for her daughter was evident, and really that is exactly what pregnancy is like after a baby is born asleep; full of fear. 

The midwives agreed as much. It is true that baby loss Mums remain convinced that it not only can happen to them again, but will.  You know that throughout Alexander's pregnancy I was constantly terrified, my faith non-existent that my baby would come home. Even now he is here I spend so much of my time wobbling he might be taken from me. My precious boy.  

As an over-all glimpse, a tiny insight, it did OK.

But then there was the things that annoyed me throughout the programme. 

That poor lady, Sarah, being referred to as a first time mother. I really felt for her; wanted to correct them for her. She has a son, her son has a name. She herself mentioned him by name, Jordan;  the hospital should have extended them both the same courtesy. All too often people are all too quick to discount the stillborn child. That is still my experience, so often is Anabelle subtly overlooked. But that is another blog post for another time. 

Then there was the use of terminology. Midwives, you of ALL people should be capable of using the correct terminology, even if the terminology stinks. If a baby was to be born sleeping at 40+6 weeks it would not be a late miscarriage. It would be a stillbirth.   Little details to some maybe; but to me very important. The use of late miscarriage needs addressing on a big scale, for any woman who gives birth to her child and after the first trimester, miscarriage in my opinion, is an inappropriate term. But again, that is another blog post for another time. 

Sigh. 

But my biggest bugbear about tonight's programme?  

That although it has touched on such an important subject, it has negated to really raise awareness or promote prevention of baby death.  OBEM failed to deliver the message that so many babies still die today, it failed to tell its viewers the importance of being vigilant with baby movements and counting the kicks, it failed to empower women to bother their midwives whenever they are worried. 

Stillbirth is not a subject you can be half-arsed about. If you are going to cover it, do it thoroughly and well. Make an impact for the better. 

I'm told OBEM is not there to educate, but an observational documentary programme. I'm told that lots of different types of births are shown, with varying circumstances and degrees of interventions; but that these circumstances and interventions are never backed up with facts, figures or background information. Never followed up with the after care or how babies get on.   That isn't the format of the programme.

I will say again, this type of portrayal of anything; whether it be stillbirth, forceps, shoulder discotia or any other trauma in the delivery room is irresponsible. I think the format of the programme needs changing. 

But that isn't the point of OBEM apparently. Its a fly on the wall documentary.  

But is it really? I'm still arguing my point from last week that observational documentary is really another expression for 'yet another C4 reality TV show'. 

Sigh.

I may be passionate about stillbirth. Some people may think far too much so. Maybe you think I should stop my ranting, stop voicing my opinion, stop talking about Anabelle. 

But to me, if me an angel Mum and other angel Mums and Dads are not going to be passionate about a subject so close to our hearts, for our sons and daughters, and attempt to break the taboo then who is? 

Do it properly Channel 4...

A mostly quiet week this week; the baby spent the first half recovering from his cold, we all fancied being a bit lazy and now this weekend has arrived I'm not 100%. Another out of hours trip today has revealed tonsillitis and a ear infections. Lucky me. 

Anyway, I'm sure the antibiotics will clear it up in no time at all, and a roast dinner tomorrow is bound to make everything feel better! 

This week we have been cheerful because: