After Anabelle

It is that time of year again. Time for reflecting on what has been and our hope for things to come. 

Last year I completed my Picturing Twenty Twelve challenge. I took a photograph (or more!) every day for a year, capturing the remarkable and mundane moments that made up our 2012 lives. This year it felt too much to keep that up, so this year I am turning my attention to this blog. 

I tend to blog here when I'm feeling particularly low. Not always, but often. I guess that is the nature of this blog, it originated in the raw months that followed our daughters death and has become my little haven to process whatever I need to, it is only natural that the main focus has always been my grief. 

As we go into a new year I know I am by no means done with my grief. I still need this space for my angel motherhood journey, but this year I want to make more of an effort to share my thoughts about random stuff, happy stuff, my highs as well as my lows. I want to make an effort to blog more often. 

I did wonder if I should start a new blog, but it doesn't feel right to do. Anabelle is the reason I blog and her blog will remain, after all this is all part of the journey - how my life is unfolding and my thoughts After Anabelle. 

Recently I've discovered a sort of journal challenge called 365 Questions; the idea is to use the prompt to forumlate a post or entry for each day of the year. It is overly ambitious to believe I will manage to blog about one prompt every day, besides I know there will be times when I will need to blog about what is on my mind, rather than what is prescribed. However I know it will serve its purpose of giving me a new focus as we go into 2013 and help me to blog beyond my grief, I think I'm ready to be more than the 'woman who's baby died'. 

So here we are 365 Questions, Day 1, Post 1. 

What is your number one goal this year?

To be healthier in my grief. 

We have a few goals for this year; 2013 is going to be the year we pull our financial affairs together, we are going to think about adding to our family this year, we are going to continue to enjoy each and every precious moment with Alexander this year. But personally, for me, my number one goal is to be healthier in my grief. That isn't to say fix it, or heal it, but I need to let it move with me. 

For some months it has been obvious within family life I've been slowly going through an emotional health decline. I've recently talked here about needing counselling again and needing to face some demons I've been avoiding for so long. Sometime this month I need to pluck up that courage and make that phonecall. 

I know my grief is never going to go away, I know there will be waves of raw pain as if she died only yesterday, I know this is my life. As overwhelming as it is. I know there is nothing I can do to change it. 

But there are external things around me I have no control of, things which hurt and affect me deeply and it is these things I need to become healthier with. I need to really understand why I sometimes react the way I do and find new strategies to cope when a meltdown trigger comes along, before it becomes all consuming as it has over these recent months. 

I know full well I will go through some pretty inevitable lows this year; the year she should be turning three, the year she should be starting nursery class at school, another year she should be here. 

I know it will not always be possible to be in control of the waves of pain; but this year I want to be more than a grieving mother. I owe it to myself, to Jon, to Belle and Xander. 

Does anyone else want to be inspired to find the positives in this year? How about this idea; my note for 1st January 2013 says Today was special because my family played peekaboo 'Boo' with Xander, he kept saying 'Boo' back and shrieking with laughter. My beautiful happy baby. 

I've added this post to the How I Came To Hold You blog hop. A book, about infant loss and rainbow pregnancies. It is being published and sold to raise money for Sands. A charity very close to my heart.

Wishing everyone a happy, peaceful and blessed 2013!

Its been a while since I've written a little Xander growing up blog, so as we're nearing the end of 2012 I thought now would be a good time to update with what he has been up to since his birthday. 

Where to begin? I've made a list! This week I've spent time sorting out his 12-18 month clothes ready to start phasing them in over the next few weeks. His 9-12 months has lasted him well and been worn for the longest so far, but he's had a little growth spurt recently and the arms are getting too short. Not the legs though; Xander clearly has little legs like his Mummy's side of the family! 

We also think he might be an emergent lefty like his Mummy, as he seems to be predominantly playing or picking things up with his left hand at the moment. 

The poor baby had a very rough week during October half term when he cut the two teeth while being very poorly at the time. It was the week after his MMR vaccination and I've never known him so under the weather. Full of cold symptoms, projectile vomiting, loose nappies, fever, temperature, completely off his his milk and food which is completely unlike him. For a few days the only thing I could get him to eat was little fruit pots. To make matters worse we were away on a cold 'up North' holiday in Crimdon Dene, in a caravan without decent heating or washing machine. Nightmare! 

Up until two weeks ago Alexander was still breastfeeding morning and bedtime. A fortnight ago we mutually decided it was time to drop the morning feed so now at 14 and a half months old he is down to one feed a day, to go to bed. Never would I have thought I would have still been feeding him now. When I look back to how I felt about breastfeeding this time last year, to still be feeding now is quite astounding for me. By the time he was 6 months old I knew I wanted to aim to feed him until his birthday, his birthday came and went two months and a half ago and we're still feeding. For now it is firmly part of his bedtime routine and he still often feeds to sleep, so for the time being we'll keep going with it; it feels somehow wrong right now to take something away that he obviously finds comforting and sleep inducing, besides he hasn't stopped being a baby simply because he is a little over one now. 

At the moment I think my 'upper limit' is 18 months, I had no plans to become an extended breast feeder, and I don't think that is something I want, as much as I enjoy that quiet time with my boy at the end of the day. For me 18 months is when he becomes a proper toddler and time for us to move on from breast feeding to sleep. 

He is such a grown up little boy in many ways now, but in others still very much baby like. He's in a transition stage now between baby and nearly toddler. Absolutely gorgeous in every way though. He is so cheerful and cheeky, an amusing and loving little boy. 

If you ask Alexander for a kiss or cuddle now he will throw himself at you, burying his face in you going 'Awww'. He gives the best cuddles spontaneously too, to us and to Fiz, and is so genuinely affectionate and loving. Love that boy so much! 

He has learnt the names of more familiar people now and will look at Daddy, Mummy, Fiz, Bampi and Nana when asked where they are. For Christmas we have bought him a talking photo book we hope will encourage him to start saying our names too. In the last few weeks we have had one definite and meaningful Da-eee and one definite meaningful Mum-ma. Typically he hasn't attempted it again since, but hearing him call for both of us was heart melting. 

One Saturday morning we were all in bed have morning snuggles. Jon got up to go to the toilet and when he came back, Xander looked straight towards him, so excited and exclaimed Da-eee. For me is was more a whiny Mum-ma because I was in the kitchen; he was reaching through the gates towards me, calling me to pick him up, but still, it was still heart melting. I picked him up and smothered him in kisses! 

His understanding of language and identifying objects is improving all of the time. He seems to have generalised that a phone is a phone, and whether it be a toy phone, or one of our mobiles he will now pick it up and put it straight to his ear and say 'uh'. It is so cute! We're trying to get him to say Hiya into the phone. He is such a techy baby as he loves Facetiming Daddy! 

He loves singing and his current favourite songs are 'Horsey Horsey' when he is on his rocking horse and he'll join in by rocking back and fore, 'Twinkle Twinkle' and he'll join in my twinkling his little hands, 'This is the way the lady rides' and he'll join in at the end by anticipating and throwing himself backwards when the old man falls in the ditch, and 'If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands', and obviously he joins in by clapping his hands.  I know he was late clapping his hands and waving bye bye but I was so proud and excited when he joined in clapping games and started waving bye bye when we asked him to just over a month ago when he was 13 and a half months old. 

Alexander is a speedy little crawler and quite the escape artist if he spots an open door! We've had to put a gate up across the kitchen because he had become such a terror with crawling everywhere he shouldn't be and I was worried he was going to burn himself or fall over on the tiles as he was obsessed with climbing up the washing machine. I think we still have a while to go until Alexander is walking but I'm not at all worried. I know he'll do it when he is ready. I think it is just a case of confidence now and a little bit more development on balance.   His cruising and physical skills are all otherwise fine. He is climbing up and over and on everything now!  Alexander will walk for quite a way just holding onto one of our fingers but isn't ready to let go! If you let him go he lowers himself down to his bottom. He is very occasionally standing unaided for a few seconds so I'm sure it won't be too much longer now before he stands independently properly. 

Nursery reports weekly about how socially confident he is. I love that he is making friends and enjoying so many new experiences there. He seems to have buddied up with another little boy in his room and the staff tell me they make a mischeivious little pair. Wherever the one goes, the other follows and they empty toys baskets and drawers around the room in tandem. Today there was only a few children in Nursery (yes, bad Mummy, its the holidays and I still sent him. In my defense I had to do some work on my assignment which is next to impossible with him at home!) so all the rooms joined together and the babies were with the older children. Alexander wasn't at all phased, when I went to pick him up he was one of the youngest children in the room, big boys and girls playing all around him, him looking tiny in the thick of it but playing amongst them. I love that he has such confidence already. I'm so very proud of him.  A week Friday he officially moves up to the older babies room and I think he's going to be just fine with his continuing nursery adventure. 

He has been so spoilt again this Christmas. He still has six presents to open! He's been so appreciative of each gift, taking his time, enjoying unwrapping them, desperate to play with the new treasure inside. Impatient that Daddy isn't getting the box off quick enough and then completely immersed discovering the new game. It's so lovely to watch him play! If we've dared offer him another present to open while he is still engrossed in the previous one he's pushed the wrapped present away and frowned at us as if to say 'but I'm still playing with this one.'   I love that each gift has been loved by him. I think I'll be a little sad the year that magic wears off and the name of the game becomes ripping all the wrapping paper off in one go and presents are finished before dinner time.  

Our house currently resembles a toy shop again, we have a lot of tidying away and sorting of old baby-ish toys to do to make room for his new older baby toys, but it is safe to say Alexander seems to be developing a real love of cars and books. He is going to need a new little toy box just for his cars before long, he pushes the cars around the floor making a 'brrr' noise; what a typical boy.  I love it! Nature or nurture I wonder? 

Well I think that just about brings us up to date for now. He has grown so much this year, our still tiny newborn baby last Christmas, and our nearly toddler baby this Christmas. I'm so looking forward to all the new things he's going to do in 2013 too. 

So Christmas Day; quite lovely, Christmas night; pretty diabolical.

Bet lets focus on the lovely. Our little family Christmas 2012.

Wakey wakey baby Xander!

Love my Toot Toots

A week today until Christmas Day. 

This year, despite my evident huge low at the moment in lots of areas of life, for Christmas I am excited. Actually excited for Christmas with my boy. He is such a little explorer now and plays beautifully, so I'm excited to watch him explore all his new toys, excited to enjoy him, and spoil him. You know what, I didn't think I would ever be able to say that, not about Christmas; excited for Christmas. That is definite progress right there and it warms my heart. 

I feel a little guilty for being excited, but I know being excited for what I can do with Xander doesn't negate the pain for what we can't with Anabelle. Is guilt always going to be part of this angel/rainbow Mummy experience? Somehow again this Christmas we will make a mish-mash of reconciling our two worlds. Alexander having a part in Anabelle's Christmas and vice-versa.  

This Christmas I'm going to expect the Boxing Day emotional crash of last year, I know the low has to come, but I'm going to embrace the positive feelings too this year. I'm going to embrace our family Christmas traditions and love and celebrate with both of my babies through the festivities. Its the only way I know how to do things! 

Jon thinks I need to go back to counselling. Hurt and grief and missing her now so consuming again he is concerned. We're in different places. He has reached acceptance; I'm a million miles from there. 

Anger. Grief. 

The circular pattern, once again we're in phase angry. 

This last month or so I've been so angry, on and off, when I'm not being distracted by festive build up, when I have too much time to think, or triggered by something. Physically hurting painful grief. Feeling emotionally fragile. 

It is never going to end is it and I'm so tired of hurting. Once again the 'foreverness' is overwhelming. 

I don't know how to accept that this life is the way it is always going to be. One of our babies forever missing from our lives. 

I don't know how to accept how it is, over how it should have been. 

I don't know how to stop being angry. Angry that instead of having a world full of pink, like an average family with daughters, my daughter is dead and pink for us means grave decorations or symbolic gestures of remembrance in our home. 

Seemingly at the moment I'm coping less and less with this. Our version of having a daughter while watching most other families version of having a daughter. 

Our version of pink is becoming a fine line between being all I can do to include Anabelle in our family to feeling ridiculous because she isn't here, so what does it matter anyway? A fine line between our version of pink feeling like something I have to do or feeling completely meaningless and silly apart from being a ritual. A fine line between helping me cope or hurting me more. 

I know it sounds like I'm whining, but it isn't fair. 

I should be buying my almost two and half year old baby girl dolls and prams, toy kitchens and special dresses for Christmas, not have to steel myself in imaginary armour to buy for other people's daughters while having to buy angel decorations, pink trees, tinsel and lights just to somehow include my own in the festivities. 

What did we do to deserve this version of our lives? Why couldn't our family have been 'normal' like most others? I don't know how to be a bereaved parent forever, reaching this point again and again with the circular pattern of hurt and grief. 

Don't scratch me too deeply at the moment, believe me I'm outwardly being brave so often, but underneath there is too much going on leaving me feeling vulnerable to a very public outpouring of hurt before long.