After Anabelle

Monday we shelved counselling after another three and a bit month stint. 

With Zachary due imminently my focus has to be elsewhere; preparing for him, and then when he hopefully comes home I'll be in the full throes of newborn joys and chaos at home, with little time for appointments.   So for now it is shelved, but not forgotten. Not off the books like the last time I finished. 

Progress made? Hard to say really. All the immense pain and bewilderment is in a different place. June. We've talked a lot about my children, how they all individually make me feel. We've talked about other peoples children, and babies and pregnancies and how they make me feel. We've talked about how Anabelle colours everything in our lives, how even the most wonderful days are tinged with sadness that she isn't here too, we've talked about friendships, we've talked about fears and anger and expectations of other people. We've talked about the insensitive things that have been said to me over the years; from friends, others and professionals. We've talked about the taboo and lack of understanding about the everlasting impact of a baby born sleeping.  We've talked about time moving on. We've talking about me 'letting go' of June and all the things I cannot change. We've talked about the new challenges lying ahead for our family again, as time keeps moving on and the world keeps changing around us. We've done lots of talking. But progress. I'm really not sure.  

I think at this point, my counsellor and I both recognised that I'm not there at the moment, so it is difficult to work through it at the moment. It isn't June and for now I've reached another calm before another storm. We've recognised that my mental health and grief is 'seasonal' or at least temperamental with peaks and troughs and triggers. Sometimes I function like I'm back at the beginning, but now, November, I've finished unravelling and have put myself loosely back together again for a time. Maybe I need to be unravelling for her to do any real work with me. 

I know there will be a storm ripple over Christmas, possibly bigger than other years when newborn adrenaline has worn off at the same time as Christmas and grief will be battling surgery recovery and extreme tiredness too. This year I'm pre-empting that new Mummy hormones are going to be mixed in together with the Christmas grief and anxiety, mixed in again with readjusting to our family growing while not growing all at the same time. Happiness and sadness of becoming a family of five but only a physically a family of four. While I process the excitements of seeing sibling bonds develop between my boys while being pained that it is something I should already have seen with my girl and boy. 

I expect another ripple over Mother's Day, these ripples traditionally short and ridden with some composure - but the biggy? The biggy is June. I get anxious just thinking about June. Because June won't be 2014. Not really. It will be living 2014 while reliving 2010 at the same time. That is where I need help. 

So we're taking a break. And I'll return to counselling again after Easter, to support me through May and the build up to Anabelle's fourth (!) birthday and the crisis point I may reach again through June. Maybe by returning to counselling again then I can avoid the epic measure meltdown I crashed into last June. 

Why do Anabelle's birthdays feel harder each year? Time hasn't healed. Isn't time supposed to heal? 

It is a clique I don't understand. Not really. Of course there has been some healing. I function day to day, I have lots of happiness and joy in my life it is true. But scratch the surface away, get to June or other trigger points and there is no healing. I have lots of pain too, pain I can't see ever being any better. Just pain upon pain as another year passes. Another birthday and my little girl isn't really the age she is supposed to be at all. A birthday without real celebration is so foreign to me. 

We've agreed 'therapy' is probably something I'm going to need on and off for many years to come. Maybe forever. I'm not sure how that makes me feel. Slightly unhinged maybe; but then maybe that is the reality of living after immense trauma, maybe always a bit fragile under the surface.

For now I'm well enough to leave it be and I'll return to it again when the blackness re-descends.

So maybe we have made progress, in at least I know I won't be waiting for the meltdown to pieces to have happened before accessing help next time. Next year we're going for prevention rather than cure. Or if we can't prevent, at least somebody professionally riding it with me. There is progress. 

Two weeks ago Alexander turned two!

He had a wonderful birthday and was so very spoilt again. Again I was emotional in the run up to his birthday, looking back over all the photographs of the last year and how he has changed and grown. I don't think the absolute preciousness of his birthday will ever feel any less than it does now; that he got to be another year older and we got to live it with him. That we are blessed with watching this beautiful child grow. That Alexander's birthday involves a proper party and proper presents; not flowers and balloons into the sky in stark comparison to how we mark his sisters precious but painful birthdays. I'm so grateful we have so much joy in his birthday instead of pain and I can't believe I'll ever take the 14th October for granted. I hope so hard we'll soon have the same pure relief in his brother's birth.
This year for his birthday we booked a soft play party at the local leisure centre and he was so excited when we arrived and he saw the room. It is gorgeous hearing him exclaim 'wowww' now when he thinks something is wonderful! On his actual birthday, Jon took the day off and we took him to West Midlands Safari Park to see the animals, but of course, as much as he loves animals his favourite bit was being in the front of the car and Daddy letting him sit on his lap to 'drive'! He had a wonderful couple of days and the perfect start to being a two year old!

I can't believe he has only been confidently walking for six months. In April he had just started walking independently outside; now there is absolutely no stopping him, now he can run too! The last few months he has been increasingly determined to be independent, so of course, lots of the time he doesn't want to hold hands when he is walking anymore - although he knows I'm going to insist he holds my hand if we're near a road or other danger! I've never been a fan of baby reigns but they have definitely saved my sanity on occasion these last couple of months. Xander has had his independence and I've still had control of keeping him safe! He is exerting his independence daily now in lots of areas; for example sometimes refusing all help to eat his dinner - he is very determined to use his spoon all by himself now, but when he does want help he likes to choose who helps him! Or choose who puts him to bed, or brushes his teeth etc.

Two-year old strops are still mostly short lived and easily forgotten or distracted, although he knows how to stand his ground when he wants to! We're by no means 'get your own way' all the time parents but equally not 'We're big you're small and what we say goes' type parents either. We're trying to find a gentle mix between the two extremes! Xander is certainly learning he has a voice and an opinion and within boundaries I think it is important to allow him to exert some control in his world and be made to feel like his voice matters and that we are listening to him too. 

He enjoys lots of physical and outdoor play. Visits to the park are a favourite activity and he'll spend as long as you'll allow him running around from one piece of equipment to the next climbing and crawling, up and down slides and through tunnels! He has been thrilled with his mini-micro scooter he was given for his birthday, meaning he can play on his 'bike' outside!  He enjoys rough and tumble play; being tickled and chased and can be quite cheeky with it; looking over his shoulder to see if you are coming to get him, and also loves chasing you back. Someone (!) taught him to bounce on the bed so he loves getting on his knees and using our bed as a bouncy castle, and is trying hard to jump properly now too, although he still isn't quite getting his feet off the floor!  He still loves soft play centres and swimming on a Monday, although at my current pregnant size I'm struggling to keep up with him!  

It feels like Alexander literally never sits still!

His words have come on leaps and bounds these last six months. He has reached the stage where he is trying to copy and repeat lots of what you say to him and often 'talks' to us in his own version of conversation and full sentences, trying so very hard to tell us something but still not quite legible! At my last count Alexander had 65 words and representational sounds (and now probably has a few more again!) and he is now starting to combine two words together more frequently. For example 'Bye Daddy' in the morning when he leaves for work. He spends huge parts of the day pointing to and naming the things he knows and knows he can say, he's very proud of himself when he gets a word right! He talks to himself and his toys in his play and his intonation is fab, he is so expressive! I think as soon as all the word formation and pronunciation clicks he's going to be a super little chatter box. He is so very nearly there!

He took us by surprise at the end of August when we realised he knew all the animals in his toy farm, and then a few days later all the zoo animals in his Duplo. We hadn't spent huge amounts of time naming animals with him at this point so we were impressed that he has obviously naturally picked this up during play or somewhere else! He loves looking through picture books now and pointing to and naming the animals he can see and will tell you what sound they make too. Infact his first three word sentence was recently 'Cow say Moo' while he was doing his farm animal puzzles! His favourite animals are Lions, which he calls 'Rarrs' and Elephants which he says is a 'Dunt'.

Alexander loves singing songs and dancing and enjoys twirling along to Strictly on a Saturday evening at the moment. He only has to hear music and he starts trying to bounce in time! His favourite songs at the moment are Twinkle Twinkle, Old MacDonald and If You're Happy And You Know It. He is singing along now, making a sound for each word (and saying some in the right places!) and humming the tune along in a recognisable way.  It is particularly cute listening to him trying to say E-I-E-I-O and then making the animal noises!

More recently he has started becoming increasingly interested in numbers and counting, and the names of shapes and letters. Mesmerised by the Numtums and Alphablocks (cBeebies), he tries to join in the songs and copy all the sounds they are making through the programmes. He enjoys somebody counting things with him and has an emerging awareness of one-to-one correspondence, pointing his finger to touch things as he 'counts' although of course it isn't accurate yet! He is beginning to say numbers with you and is grasping the pattern of the sounds counting one to ten. Xander can accurately recognise a star and is starting to identify a square and circle consistently too.

Alexander has enjoyed looking at books for a while but now he is actually listening to and giving you a chance to read the stories to him. He looks through his pile of books until he finds the one he wants and will turn the pages in lots of books to find his favourite page! For his birthday we bought him 'We're Going On A Bear Hunt' and it has already become a firm favourite. He is joining in the repetitive pattern, and words in the right places. He especially likes saying the 'Uh-Oh' - and gets in there before I do! The Gruffalo is another favourite story and I'm looking forward to introducing him to Dear Zoo at Christmas!

It has been fascinating to see his play mature recently. He has always played beautifully, exploring toys appropriately and quick to catch onto concepts but over the last few weeks or so this has turned into proper imaginary role play and it is lovely to watch. Over the summer he started using the hose pipe in my parents garden to pretend to put petrol in his cosy coupe car, he looks after his dolls and soft toys now, talking to them, loving them, offering them his dummy and patting their bottoms to help them go to sleep. He has started playing properly with his role play toys; pushing cars around saying beep beep or trying to copy Daddy make a engine noise, he plays with his farm taking the farmer out in his tractor (although sometimes an animal drives it too!) and putting the animals in the fields and pen. He has loved his rocket spaceship for his birthday and blasts it off into space complete with trying to countdown along with it first, and builds his train track and pushes the train around; a few weeks ago he would've spent most of the time dismantling the track! It is adorable watching him play with his toy kitchen, he has spent hours so far cooking food and then dishing it out to everyone to eat! We're going into a new era of pretend play and I love it!

Currently his favourite TV programmes are still Show Me Show Me (especially the groovy moves bit!), RaaRaa the Noisy Lion and In the Night Garden. He recognises characters off the TV in shops now and his favourite is definitely Upsy Daisy...if he spots 'Daidy' on the shelf he will point and call for her! He'll be super pleased when he finds out he is getting his own Daisy Doll for Christmas I'm sure!

Alexander is certainly growing up now and we continue to find that gentle 'baby-led' parenting suits our family and him best. In his 18 month update he was nowhere near ready to self-settle for sleep and that he was very dependent on our presence and being held to drift off. Without any prompting from us this all changed a few weeks before his birthday. Just as I was starting to get jittery how we would manage two demanding babies dependent on lots of reassurance to go to sleep, almost all by himself Alexander decided he was ready to put himself to sleep. Once again proving that he'll do everything when he is emotionally ready to do so!

He started fussing while being cuddled after his milk so we started putting him in the cot and leaving the room as he got drowsy. The first couple of nights he sensed we were going and cried in protest as we left, but hearing our voices over the monitor was enough for him to stop crying and lie back down and drift off to the nursery music the monitor played. After a few nights he didn't even cry as we left the room and was fine with the music. A few weeks later he is going straight in the cot on finishing milk and is totally self-settling, most nights without the music cue too! I don't think it will be long before he drops his bedtime bottle by himself too, as some nights he is unfussed about it now.

Around his second birthday we had originally planned to try and encourage him to wean off the dummy, but with a new baby on the way very soon we are expecting him to regress and become unsettled for a while and think it would be cruel to withdraw his comforter. Although he is much less reliant on it now we want him to feel as secure as possible as this major change happens to his world!

The dummy is another thing he is showing signs of giving up by himself as he is un-fussed about having it most of the time now; mostly he still only has it for nap or sleep times and will give it up when asked to when he has woken up properly. It spends more time in his hand than his mouth and if he has found it during the day he frequently hands it back to us of his own independent decision too. So we're going to see how it goes and look to remove it when he has fully settled into his role as big brother. I'm hazarding a guess though that this is another thing I'll start getting jittery about as he gets a bit older again but that he'll mature out of his own volition!

So he continues to go to bed well and sleep well, we've been so extremely fortunate with him that he has been such an easy baby and toddler so far! Of course he has his moments, but on the whole he is such a happy, easy going little boy!

What is it about a baby turning two that makes everyone so interested in when you plan to potty-train them? I'll be honest, this is my biggest parenting dread, it sounds like such hard work, but equally not something I'm planning to do anytime that soon; yes sometime between now and his third birthday of course but not until Xander is showing some signs of being ready. He certainly isn't anywhere near ready just now. Nappy changes can be a battle ground and he shows little to no awareness he has pooed. He never indicates to us he has gone and will sit in it until we sniff it out, and then more often than not doesn't want to be changed! The other side of Christmas, when we're settled and more importantly Xander is settled, into a new routine with the new baby I'll start introducing him to sitting on potties and toilets in a really informal way as part of nappy changing so he starts to grasp the link but I certainly won't be pushing training or introducing pants unless he shows an interest or readiness for it.  To be honest, I'm hoping, like everything else, he'll lead the way in his own time and sort of start doing it himself.

He is making some lovely relationships with other special people in his life now independent of us. He particularly loves his Nana and Bampi and will often get very upset when it is time to say goodbye to them and leave their house! Equally this can work in my favour though if he is being a pest to get ready, so if we are actually going to their house we've only got to mention their names at home and he is getting dressed nicely and running to stand by the front door ready to run to the car to go up there! He has clearly learnt the route to their house too, because as soon as we're on the roundabout that leads to the road down to their house he is shouting 'Nana and Bampi' - very cute!

Alexander had his first visit to the dentist today who was pleased with his 16 teeth! The 16th pushing through the week after his birthday. So that is just the back molars to go now. He is very good at brushing his teeth and opening his mouth but didn't want to show the dentist today; but was happy enough for him to pull his lips apart for a little peek. I hope he inherits good teeth; my personal goal is getting to age 30 without a filling, so I'm quite obsessed with keeping his teeth just as healthy!

Alexander's weight gain seems to have slowed down and hasn't put on any weight these last few months. Instead he has grown upwards and slimmed out a little. He still has his lovely round baby belly though! He is approximately 31lb and 89cm tall and still wearing his 18-24 month clothes with plenty of room for another little while yet.

His biggest change soon will be his new role of big brother. He has patted my tummy throughout this pregnancy and said 'baby' and seems to understand that the baby's name is Zac, but how much he really understands is anyone's guess. As much as he loves other peoples babies (especially mesmerised by my friends twins when he sees them at the moment!) I know it is going to be a huge shock when the baby is there all of the time and I hope he doesn't feel too unsettled or anxious. We keep looking at a book called 'Waiting for Baby' and talking with him about the baby growing and being gentle with his baby doll and other peoples babies, but I'm not sure how else to prepare him now. I think he is going to be gentle (well gentle for a toddler!) and loving with his new baby brother, and want to hold his hand and give kisses and cuddles, but equally I fully expect the jealousy at some point too. I'm apprehensive how to give Xander the attention he is used to and needs with a newborn too, when I remember how 'demanding' he was when he was tiny.   I expect I'll be making good use of my baby sling this time and looking for advice on how to manage both my boys needs at the same time! But mostly I know our family will adjust into its natural rhythm again around the end of the 'fourth trimester' and I'm excited to see my boys together and as anxious as you would expect to get to the end of this pregnancy safely.

So that is it! My beautiful rainbow baby is now a fully fledged toddler boy.

One epic post I know, which just goes to show how much he will change in another six months. Will let you know how he is getting on at two and a half, but for now enjoy his One to Two video. 

The last few hours Anabelle was alive. I went to bed at 11pm; having thought she was quiet but foolishly and falsely reassured myself listening to her heartbeat on the bonding machine we had. Thinking we would go in in the morning if she hadn't woken up a bit. She didn't wake up. Instead sometime overnight, during the early hours of thirty two plus four my baby girl died. 

If only I could turn back time and re-do that night. Maybe she would've still been alive to see thirty two plus four. Maybe Doctors could've tried to save her. Instead while she died, and slipped away, her mother slept. I slept when I should've gone to the hospital before going to bed. 

Tonight I am thirty two plus three again, for the third time in my life. I'm scared of tonight, scared of tomorrow. These milestones etched into me when life shattered into uncountable pieces and will never be quite the same again. 

Zachary hasn't been quiet today, he is wriggling around even now. I've no reason to be concerned. He has been scanned today, he was happy and healthy and growing well. Today has marked the furthest into a pregnancy I've got without being admitted to hospital for threatening premature labour. I hope I haven't spoken too soon and of course will be entirely unsurprised if I am admitted between now and his birthday, but one day further on to start off with is important nonetheless. So why am I so scared? Scared that by the morning he won't be with me anymore. 

Last time I was thirty two plus three and going to sleep I was already in hospital, having been admitted the day before threatening premature labour with Alexander. I remember sobbing as Jon left at the end of visiting hours, terrified what the night would bring even there and being on my own. Sobbing on the midwives that I was scared to go to sleep. So they listened in to Alexander throughout the night, waking me up so I could hear he was still there as we went through to the morning. Alexander lived, he kept living. He was born screaming and perfect four very very long weeks later. 

Tonight I don't have that. And I'm still scared to go to sleep. There is no listening in tonight. Just waiting with bated breaths for kicks and wriggles from Zac. 

I hope I can celebrate being thirty two plus four in the morning, and that Zac will be older than his sister ever was.    

When anxiety hits about our unborn baby now it is crippling me. Here we are, Week 31, and I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. 

Last Friday evening we ended up on delivery ward, again, after convincing myself I hadn't felt Zac all day. Of course I must've, but work is so crazily busy that I haven't the time while I'm there to give Zac and myself the attention we need. Light little wriggle movements are no good to me. They don't reassure me, because I don't trust my judgement. I need focus time to really notice what is going on inside my tummy, and I need Zac to give me big boots! 

As always, the hospital were marvellous with me. And of course as soon as I was hooked up to the monitor Zachary started having a party in my tummy. 

A little concerningly the trace was showing some uterus irritability with regular tightenings, approximately four minutes apart. You know, signs of my usual performance on the horizon. I so really hope not. Anyway, the midwife got the Doctor on duty to come and have a chat about the tightenings who said a trace like that makes them worry a lady is about to go into labour. It didn't feel like I was going into labour. Strong Braxton Hicks, yes, but nothing like the last two times I've threatened the whole labour thing. Uncomfortable, not overly painful is the difference! Doctor seemed reassured I could tell the difference and allowed me home with a list of things I should and shouldn't be doing to reduce the risks of it happening again. The consultant backed this up on Wednesday with her orders to rest. 

We'll see I guess. When I'm 'up' I really don't feel like it will follow that pattern again, somehow it feels a bit different this time, but when I'm 'down' and the weight of the baby is pushing down there I'm convinced something will kick off any day now. Emotionally I'm feeling all over the place, which is hardly surprising I guess as we get through these next few weeks. 

I'm just rubbish at being 30+ weeks pregnant aren't I! 

I'm just dominated by thoughts at the moment that in Anabelle's pregnancy we had no idea that she just had one week left to live. Despite the threatened premature labour, the very thought she could die hadn't entered our minds. We thought she was going to be born early, but not dead. I was discharged, she was fine, or so we thought. We were so oblivious that our little girl was 'breathing her last' in this week. 

Rationally I know 32+4 means little for subsequent pregnancies, but it is a milestone I have to get past and right now I'm struggling to control the anxiety surrounding it. What if Zac is also 'breathing his last'? I have no control over whether Zac lives or dies, as I didn't with Belle or Xander. All I can do is hope and use the NHS system to its max to reassure me and constantly check on him over these final weeks of pregnancy. Which I'm doing, and with an excellent supportive consultant behind me. She is so intune with my emotional angst at the moment and is trying to remove any extra pressure for me. 

So that's me. Hoping that if we can get to a week Sunday without incident that I'll calm down and feel a bit more on an even keel again. 

P.S. Alexander had a wonderful 2nd birthday, and as soon as I find a good half hour I'll write his two year update and all the clever things our beautiful boy has learnt to do these last six months. He makes me so proud every day, such a bright, loving and sensitive boy. In the meantime, here is his birthday video photo journey From One To Two... what a blessing he is! :) 

So I'm officially now in the third trimester and a maximum of ten weeks away from meeting our little boy. 28 weeks was the next milestone on my list of markers. The next after this are the tricky milestones. 

So here I am. Right at the start of the anxiety ever-increasing weeks. They've been on the horizon for a while, but now we're here. 

I feel like a ticking time-bomb waiting to go off. 

Just sat waiting to threaten an episode of severe braxton hicks, that start to become contractions that threaten to become premature labour, just as I did at 31 weeks with the other two. 

Just sat waiting to get to, and get past, 32+4 weeks with my baby boy still alive. 

Tomorrow is my next appointment with the consultant, for a growth scan, general check-up and my Anti-D injection. I haven't had a scan for five weeks and after I get over the first moments while they show me his heartbeat, I'm looking forward to seeing him. Care-wise I'm seeing somebody weekly now, after my midwife recognised anxiety was on the up a few weeks ago. It is my focus each week. Getting to the appointment where she'll listen to his heartbeat, but I'm hoping the consultant will start seeing me more regularly now as well after tomorrow, just to get me through to the end. 

So near, yet so so far. Even though Alexander came home I still cannot trust me or my judgement, not really. I hate them asking me about his movements. Although I think for the most part he is an active baby, and I'm beginning to notice a pattern when he is most awake (late at night, typically!), on a quiet day I freak out. Or I wonder if he is as active as I think he is or have judged him to be. Should he really be more active? I'm always scared I'm missing something. Always scared I'm going to get it wrong. 

Saturday I'm really looking forward to seeing him. The highlight of the week is our 4D scan. 

With Alexander a 4D scan was booked at the last minute, in a moment of complete panic. Truly fearful he was about to die and I wouldn't have seen him alive. This time we booked it weeks ago, ready for this point in the pregnancy when I know I'm likely to start going a bit crazy with fear. This Saturday I'm going to see Zachary alive. I hope we'll see him frowning, waving his arms around, rubbing his head, and sucking and opening and closing his mouth just like we did his brother. I can't wait to see how much he looks like his big brother and sister.

A little DVD, a piece of him alive forever, seeing how he really looks like and moves. I don't want to say incase the worst happens, but its why. 

This week I've gone into nesting mode. Its a response to the milestone I'm sure. I'm thinking about overnight bags for me incase I'm admitted anytime now over the next few weeks. I've sorted drawers in Alexander's room to make space for tiny baby clothes again. Clothes are down from the attic and in the midst of being washed and put away. Yes it is all very premature and I know more than most there is no guarantee he is coming home. But I want to believe he is. I want to be ready for him, however these next few weeks pass by.

So the 28 week milestone we're marking by seeing him alive. By 'meeting' our baby and showing him to his big brother, who is coming with us to the scan. 

Stay safe little one. 

... well not her, but I've forgotten exactly what she felt like. How precisely tiny she was. 

Back in July I overcame one of my biggest hurdles yet. I held someone elses new(ish) baby for the first time. I say newish because the little girl I held was already three months old. Still small, still new, but not quite brand-new newborn.  

Today I faced another step along the mastering new babies path and held two very tiny newborns; my friends five-pound-something twin boys. Proper newborns, one day shy of two weeks old. And not just proper newborns, but the very very small kind. 

Very very small like my Belle, only she was even smaller again. My tiny 4lb 5oz baby girl. 

I felt surprisingly mostly unfazed by the babies themselves. I instantly just felt comfortable enough to whip them into my arms for snuggles and enjoyed these small sleeping babies. I think it shows how far I've already come since my first baby in July, although I will of course acknowledge the fact they were boys and not girls makes it different mindset, and a different hurdle. Easier I guess. 

They made me very broody for Zachary; my newborn-to-be to stay safe for another 10-11 weeks before I can hold him.  They were an excellent, insightful, oh my goodness, introduction to toddlers and newborns! Alexander was totally mesmerised by the fact there were two babies and just wanted to keep touching them and having his own cuddles. It was actually quite stressful! Haha! Continuously reminding an almost-two-year-old about gentle hands and being on pins that he was going to pull one of the Moses baskets over as he leaned over them to watch the babies! Luckily the twins parents were much more relaxed about Xander around their babies than Jon or I were!   

To say Alexander with Zachary is going to be busy is an understatement! But maybe we'll be more relaxed with our own newborn and toddler? Tips for management of those tiny days with the two of them welcome!

But of course these beautiful tiny boys have made us think of Anabelle. The closest babies to her size we've seen since we had her. Today Jon had tears in his eyes as he remembered our tiny daughter on his bare chest. I gulped that I couldn't remember enough, not in the way I want to. I'm struggling to explain quite what I mean. How can I convey that I remember and I forget all at the same time?

I knew I had forgotten how really small she was. The her size was escaping me.  The boys felt absolutely miniature, their clothes smaller than newborn and I know she was another pound smaller again and in smaller clothes again. I know she was small, I know she was tiny on me. Half the size again her brother was as a newborn. But I had forgotten what tiny felt like. Of course I had. I have equally forgotten how small Alexander once was. Evidence that looking at newborn clothes again for  Zac and being wowed that they were once big on Xander. Just as I'll forget how little Zac once was in years to come too.

But it is so much harder accepting I've forgotten exactly how small she felt and was, because Anabelle never grew. 4lb 5oz is all she ever was or will be and I wish so hard I could hold onto that. That part of her, everything she was, all we had of her. 

Why is it so hard to retain this feeling of her size in my memory?

What else will begin to fade with more time? It frightens me that we could 'lose' even more of her in this way.

Darling girl. I miss you. 

The unravelling has started. 

Even earlier than in Alexander's pregnancy, which makes absolutely no sense to me. 

Yesterday, fear, panic and anxiety got the better of me. 

At not even quite 25 weeks. 

We were having a lovely day. To make up for an abrupt cancellation of Legoland due to the sickness bug hitting the household midweek, we decided to do another of the Treasure Trail maps at the weekend. Monmouth bound and picnic planned. 

We had a lovely day; apart from me becoming increasingly fearful as the day went on. 

From the moment I woke up Saturday I was anxious. Obsessed with how much, or little Zachary was moving. He was quiet all day. I kept making us sit on benches throughout the trail so I could try and make him move. But Zac was having none of it. At least not in the way I wanted him to. I could feel him, the occasional little wiggles, but the big strong 'make your whole tummy jump' boots were not forthcoming. I was unravelling. 

You see I don't trust myself, I don't trust my judgement. I don't trust myself to make the right call or decision at any given time. The wiggly movements don't always feel defined enough for me to count them as a 'real' movement. Because I get scared I've just imagined them. You can't imagine a boot that jolts your entire stomach. They are the ones I need to keep me together, the ones I need to know he has really moved. 

Why do babies move so differently every day? Today I've been booted plenty. Is it me? Do I just stop being able to feel when the anxiety starts sky-rocketing?  

By the time we got home I was becoming frantic. Panic completely getting the better of me. Knowing I was being unnecessarily hysterical but reaching the point of not being able to do anything at all about it. Past the point of reigning myself in and past the point of all rational thought. Convinced myself he was dying, but knowing I was probably being ridiculous all at the same time. 

So last night, simply to calm me down and get me reassurance before the awful night hours (because night time is my worst hours for fear.. Midweek I was up for an hour between 3-4am obsessing about movements again), for the first time this pregnancy, at 24+6 weeks pregnant I phoned the delivery ward and asked them to calm me down. Which they did, told me to come in so we could listen to him to give me the reassurance I needed to know everything was ok.  They were wonderful. A midwife I've never met before but she was fab and knew exactly how to handle me. I'm so thankful they are so patient with me, telling me if I need to make this call every day to get me to the end, they will listen to him every day for me, just like they did was Alexander. 

I haven't even reached the 3rd trimester without this need for emergency reassurance starting. This doesn't bode well for the 13-14 weeks to come. There is still such a long way to go and I need to keep it together so much better. Stay safe little baby.