After Anabelle

We didn't know it yet, but two days from now, four years ago we were about to be temporarily moving in with my parents while we navigated the death, birth and funeral of our baby daughter.  

Tomorrow, we're temporarily moving in with my parents again. The timing feels significant somehow. Somehow some sort of circle.

This time, we're moving in while we renovate what will be our new family home. We're moving. It has been a long time coming, and much needed move for the space factor, not to mention moving back to our home town. We're of course thrilled, but tonight, our last night sleeping here, the last night putting my babies to bed in their first home too, I'm feeling overwhelmingly sad too. This is the house where we moved in together, we got engaged here - actually here in this living room, Belle died in this living room while I slept on this sofa overnight, we've had our babies here and bought our rainbows home to here. All those milestones, memories, moments. Our lives have immeasurably changed in the seven years we have lived here.

And now, although we will still own it, this little house will become somebody else's home. A tenant is moving in in a few weeks and it is time for us to go and get the house ready for them. 

The new house we have bought will not be ready for some months. We were somewhat naive when we assessed the level of work that needed doing to it. We knew it was unkempt and dirty, we accounted for a fortnight of deep cleaning, decorating, and changing some floors; but, with a Vendor that made no effort to take their rubbish and many belongings with them, it has turned into more or less a full renovation as more grime and damage was discovered. So here we are; the night before the move to Mum and Dad's. 

The new house will be perfect. I'm excited about transforming it into our home, even if the task at hand seems never-ending and overwhelming just now. It will be just how I want it, and feels totally meant to be. Despite the dirt on viewing, and clearly not kept anywhere near to my standards, both of us were able to look beyond it. It had potential, it was a good size house on a great size plot, it is in a fabulous area with good schools for the boys. It just felt right. 

Then we realised it was number 21 on the street. Anabelle's number. 

This just confirmed to us that this was meant to be our house. We're moving to number 21, and it feels like our little girl is moving with the family; her number and her part in our new home. Perfect. So, next weekend, on her birthday it will be named in her honour. We're moving to number 21, and our home will be called "Mehefin" - welsh for June. 

Anabelle's birthday. 

June the first arrived without much drama. I was feeling surprisingly calm and maybe ready to weather the coming storm. I have more than enough to keep me distracted this year; what with organising a full house renovation not to mention Alexander and Zachary. 

Then by Tuesday I was feeling out of sorts. Tuesday was not a good day in the Morgan household. I was grumpy Mummy. Zachary was grumpy. Xander was grumpy. It made for probably the worst day I've ever had with the children. I don't say that lightly. I had zero patience and it left me feeling horrible, sad and guilty. I didn't like myself by the end of Tuesday. It was a long day.  I should be more grateful than anyone that I get to be Mummy to those beautiful boys. The boys who are my world and more. But Tuesday I needed space, I needed sleep. Tuesday I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed with everything and other than the house stuff I couldn't really put my finger on why. 

Wednesday, Thursday, today have been happier, back to normal Mummy days for the boys. But everything has felt more effort than usual; Everything is overwhelming. I'm struggling to concentrate. Getting us all up in the morning, dressed, out on time, fed, to bed on time. The routine this week has completely fallen apart and the boys are suffering for it. They need me to start pulling it back together.

Yesterday I realised why. It is June. 

It is June, and that is why just normal every day things are now feeling a monumental effort. 

It is June, and my baby girl is four, should be four this month. 

Ten days from now, four years ago, my darling daughter died. Another five days after that she was silently born. Another seven days after that we buried her. My Anabelle. 

It is June, and the 'foreverness' of that reality hits again. 

Subconsciously my mind and body have acknowledged the month, but its taken me the week to catch up and figure it out. Everything about this month is so hard, that even when I want to be better at it, my subconscious self cannot do it. My body already feels tired. Today my back aches, my arms are heavy. I haven't done anything out of the ordinary to feel achy; this is the physical manifestation of the utter grief and turmoil I know is to come as the next few weeks pass. 

So this week, and next week, the week after that, and the week after that. Please excuse me. Please accept that I may be over-sensitive, grumpy, impatient, even horrible. I will struggle, I will be teary, I will cease to cope in parts, I will be black, I will grieve as if she left me yesterday. I will re-live those dates again. 

A few weeks of upheaval are in store for our family. Not only are we going through the emotional upheaval that happens each June, this year we're also moving in with my parents over the next weeks while our new home is renovated. It is just unfortunate timing, rather than bad planning, that this is all happening at once. 

Please hold our hand and be our friend.  

And today, please remember beautiful Cerian, her Mummy, Daddy and her precious new little rainbow brother.  Wishing her a happy 4th birthday. 

My baby boy had his half birthday! He celebrated the day by having his first breakfast (baby banana porridge), having a new toy (the Fisher Price animal train) and a lovely afternoon spent at the boating lake having a walk and a little go on the swings, and then moving out of his moses basket into the travel cot. Oh how I wish time would slow down just a bit. This maternity leave is flying by, these baby days are flying by. 

This month I'm feeling pretty exhausted. After saying nights had improved, no sooner had I said it, then they deteriorated again.  A good night is currently two wake up; although three, even four wake ups are more usual. 

Up until his half birthday he was still in the Moses basket, (yes he did look ridiculous), the poor boy was fairly squashed, but with an imminent house move we expected to be sooner than it has happened (I'll do a post on this soon!), we were just trying to stretch him out in the moses without needing to build the cot, to then dismantle, move and build again. He had been happy enough in there until just after 5 months old, but the last few weeks he was spending much more of the night in bed with me, than he was in his moses.  So we admitted defeat, and have come up with the travel cot as a half measure for the next few weeks. 

We hoped the extra space in the travel cot would improve the night wakings, but no, it appears this boy is not going to be a 'sleep through the night' kind of baby anytime soon. Nevermind. The gorgeous boy he is makes up for all those difficult nights, even if I am pretty desperate for more than 2-3 hours sleep in a row now! 

My darling boy, you are half way to your birthday and I can hardly believe it, before I know it I will be planning that very special day for you. Your first year is going so fast my baby small. At six months old you are 18lb 4oz and have already been in your 6-9 month wardrobe for almost three weeks already! And your eyes have changed. They are beautiful dark blue, but in the middle there are little flecks of yellow and green now. Really beautiful.

So you're eating little one! Not very much but you're enjoying what you've had. I think you're going to be messier to wean than Xander - you are already much more eager to be holding the bowl and the spoon and giving this feeding thing a go yourself.  You've had a week of breakfast so far and this week we introduced tea as well but you really are only having very small portions at the moment. From the offset your brother wanted more and more food - crying when the bowl was finished, but you have started off more slowly - much happier being a milk monster than food monster just now. I'm sure this will change soon enough! 

 This month you've become very attached to Mummy. Not wanting me to be very far away, even when you are with Daddy. My little baby small - at the moment you really are Mama's boy! 

Well, when you're not being your brothers boy! You two are going to be as thick as thieves - you spend so much of your day unable to take your eyes off him. This month you have really discovered rough and tumble play together - lying on the floor and Xander will tickle your tummy, you will squeal and grab out at him, pulling his hand towards you, or pulling his hair or face. So he lies his head on your tummy which you think is just wonderful. 

You are getting stronger all of the time.  You are getting very good at sitting by yourself and having a good go at some sort of forward motion when you are on your tummy. If you could only co-ordinate yourself a bit more I'm sure you would be army crawling! You try so hard to push yourself forward by lifting your bottom and pushing your feet. You finally rolled little one - from your tummy to your back - but of course, every time I try to catch it on video at the moment you get grumpy and cross. After months of trying you still haven't *quite* managed to roll the other way - you are just a smidgen away from managing it. I can't believe how many times you have been practically there only to flop back onto your back! You are far too happy being stationary at the moment to worry about moving too far! You love lying on the floor to play and watching the world go by. I'm not complaining - I know there will be some real chaos when I have two mobile boys!  

This month we have discovered you are getting ticklish. It is very funny. Daddy has been tickling you just under your arm pits and your squirm and squeal and laugh. Just beautiful. We've also discovered you think Timmy Time on Cbeebies is very funny, you gurgle and laugh along to that too. You are just so fascinated with everything in life at the moment - this must be the best bit about being small; for you and Xander everything is a little adventure. I love that. 

Fiz has discovered you and insists on sitting next to you on the bed at every opportunity. You seem to love her soft fur and pull at it in clump-fulls. I think she secretly loves the attention you give her - although she would complain at such rough handling from anybody else!

Your favourite things at the moment are sucking and chewing on your fingers or muslins. And wet wipe packets - you love crinkly things at the moment, so wet wipe packets, your Ladybug are your favourite toys just now. Nappy changes are spent with you scrunching the wetwipe packets in your hand and your equally fascinated scrunching the Ladybugs wings. 

A few days ago I saw this, a post expressing their disgust about a breast milk 'milk testing' service being advertised via a leaflet in the bounty packs. The packs we're all sent away with when we leave hospital with following the birth of our babies. 

Today was International Bereaved Mother's Day; timed a week before the American, mainland Europe and Austrailian (any others?) celebration of Mother's Day.  

As an aside, why is UK's Mother's Day different?

Anyway, we haven't marked it today. Jon didn't even know the day existed, and I'm not sure I have the emotional energy to mark another date in the calendar. But part of me wonders if this might be the answer to moving away from wanting to bury my head in the sand turmoil that surrounds the other Mother's Day.  Would separating the two somewhat help? 

I don't believe for a minute I could exclude Anabelle from the 'real' Mother's Day, not entirely. But would having a Mother's Day, just for her, and a Mother's Day more focussed on the boys help? 

Next year there needs to be a plan. I think if nothing else we need to go out for the day, a day trip, something. Next year, Alexander will be almost three and a half, if he doesn't fully 'get it' then, he certainly will the year after. By then I need to be different. I need to have come to place where I don't want to completely ignore it.

Is a day more for her and a day more for Alexander and Zachary the answer? Could I 'save' my sadness for Bereaved Mother's Day. Could it even work like that?

Heavenly Mother. Earth Mother. Death. Life.

Maybe I need turn Mother's Day into a celebration of life. Not forgetting Belle, not removing her from it entirely. I will always and still be a mother of three of Mother's Day.

But giving more over to those precious boys who lived.

Maybe I can do that. 

I know every month I say it, but every month is alarms me a little bit more how quickly these months are flying by. No sooner, it seems, I write an update, the weeks zoom on and it is time for another. 

I'm enjoying Zachary so much. He has such a beautiful temperament; happy, content and is just gorgeous in every way. He is becoming increasingly interactive and seeking out attention now; he coos and shouts and just loves somebody talking to him. 

His routine is pretty much the same as last month, although is beginning to average three naps during the day rather than four, dropping the short 4.30pm nap and instead being ready for bed at about 6.20pm on the dot! Nights are improved for the most part and a good night is now one wake up around 2.30am - which sees him through until 6.00am and the start of the day. Of course there are other nights with an additional wake up or two, and then there is Xander and his mid-of-night waking and crack of dawn start at the moment as well making for some pretty tired parents some days; but on the whole working towards the goal of sleeping through seems to be going in the right direction! 

My absolute favourite thing are my boys together. They love each other so much, it is lovely, watching them together just makes me prouder and prouder of them both. They have this gorgeous little relationship that is independent of us and I really hope it keeps on growing. Xander shows Zac attention without our input, he shows him toys, talks and sings to him, cuddles and kisses him spontaneously throughout the day. Zac is so excited any time Xander is anywhere near; he squeals, he gurgles, he kicks his legs and wiggles about - just because he can see his brother! Alexander still makes him laugh the most. Every morning we have the boys in bed with us for a little while and Zachary is not satisfied until Xander is holding his hand - he grabs at him, pulls at his clothes as if trying to pull Xander closer for cuddles! They lie there holding hands and talking, gurgling and cooing at eachother; beautiful. 

Last month I said Zac was nearly rolling. He is still only nearly rolling! I'm so surprised, a few weeks ago I thought he was days away from rolling back to front, but he still hasn't gone all the way unassisted. He is three quarters of the way there. He rolls to his side, gets his hips over but still hasn't figured out those shoulders! But he can turn himself all the way around on the floor in a circle and what he discovered this month is using his feet to push himself backwards - which is making him quite the monkey if he decides to try and travel while we are changing his clothes or nappy. It is funny, with Xander I was so keen for him to learn how to move; and although I am excited that Zac is on the cusp of really discovering the beginnings of movement I'm also more than happy for him to remain stationary for as long as he wants to! 

Beautiful boy, this month you have definitely started to recognise your name! You know you are Zac, isn't that really special?  At five months old you have a little hair again after it all fell out. It has come back fair and very soft! You weigh an impressive 16lb 11oz now and are tracking the 50th centile on the chart perfectly! Although I was a little shocked today, because that is more than your brother weighed when he was a whole month older than you are now! 

Last month I told you you were going to be cheeky. Well this month I've decided I think you are going to be trouble with a capital T! Already you are kicking and pushing blankets off when you don't want them on, you are dropping toys out of the buggy and arching your back to try and get out of the carseat when you don't want to go in there! 

You are starting to get a bit better at sitting up with a 'U' pillow behind you, but we still need to do some practice to strengthen those tummy muscles a bit more and improve your tone to keep you upright on your own, especially as another month from now it will be time to start eating food and I'd like you to be a little bit steadier sat up before we start weaning! You love being pulled to sitting though and smile in delight when I hold onto your hands to pull you up to sit with me on the floor. 

This month you have started to discover standing up and are weight bearing really well now. You love being helped to stand on peoples knees and really enjoy bouncing too. Your favourite game this month has been bouncing - you are just a ball of excitement led on Mummy and Daddy's bed and then having the mattress bounced to make you bounce! Just this week we decided it was time for the jumperoo to be put up for you so you can do some more bouncing - unsurprisingly you love it and are just as mesmerised by the blue spinning lizard as your brother was. Mummy will have to get some video of you bouncing on the bed and in the jumperoo soon! 

This month you have also discovered your feet; not only are you using your feet to push yourself backwards you are also intentionally kicking at the hanging toys on your playmat to make them move and have spent the last week constantly grabbing your feet when led on your back - another week and I think you'll be chewing on those toes! 

I can't believe that the next update will be for your half birthday little man - these has been some of the fastest months of my life! 

I used to spend lots of time on baby loss forums; hours of my time would be spent pouring my pain onto the Sands website, (alongside here) amongst people who truly truly understood what it was like to have a baby born asleep. It helped. But the time for that has passed. I don't find the forums in that way are helpful anymore. I cannot remember the last time I logged onto the Sands forum, or any of the other bereaved parent places I used to frequent. Often, mostly, the grief that circulates there is so new, so gut achingly raw and harrowing.

It isn't where I am anymore. Almost four years later. Please tell me how it can be almost four years. 

As the years started to pass, the people who lost their babies around the same time as we lost Anabelle posted less on these forums too. Is it us getting 'better', for want a better word? No, because better never comes. Different comes. Grief year after year is different. I think we just found other ways to pour out our grief and other ways to support eachother. I keep up with many of those Mums via facebook now. Still supporting eachother where we are; but not engulfed by the the brand new grief on the forum.

I know that my grief isn't old by any stretch of the imagination; in the grand scheme of my anticipated life, my baby girl died just yesterday. But comparing where I am to the parents that arrive and post on the 'I'm New Here' boards - I'm not there, sometimes I don't know quite where I am, but for the most part I'm not there. 

Now that time of year is approaching. It is very nearly May, which means it is nearly June. The anxious spiral is almost upon us once again, and oh my, I'm so aware it is coming. I remember last year; which so violently threw me, back to beginning, I could've been one of those parents writing on the 'I'm New Here' boards again - I felt so off course, so absolutely stricken, so ill. 

Last year made me realise how very fragile I might always be and all these months since have made me value, more than ever before those few real friends and family who stick it out with me. You know who you are and you know I love you for it. 

These days I get the support I need from those family, those friends, and from my local Sands rainbow babies playgroup. I follow a number of baby loss pages, blogs and an online baby loss magazine. I find Standing Still Magazine especially helpful. Here there are articles, photographs, quotes from people at all stages of their journey of life without their babies from recent to many many years down the line. Here I so frequently read something that leaps out at me, as if I could have written it too. It is finding something I can relate to in this baby loss community that helps now, along with blogging when I need to.

I blog 'on paper' far less often than I used to. These days I so often find myself composing a post in my head, organising my thoughts around the latest stab of pain but never finding the time to pen it down; and I feel blessed that it is this way. I have less time because I have my two rainbow boys who fill it. 

But every so often, like tonight it creeps up on me after weeks of anxt to make my peace with it.

I know there are people who find my ongoing pain unacceptable. And that is ok, because if that is the truth then they are not the people I need around me anyway. While I no longer need, or even want gushing sympathy, I do need, and do want quiet empathy. I do need my pain acknowledged and my baby girl remembered. I need it to be OK and accepted that Anabelle and all my grief is carried with me daily; acceptance that some days I carry it better than other days and meeting me where I am, accepting me as I am.

And I guess this is where my involvement with the online loss community comes into play; because sometimes I need to know what I feel is normal, that others have felt like me too, how others have coped with what has been thrown at them and because so often nuggets of truth pop up that, really, when acceptance doesn't work out that way, say it all.