Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

The Feeding Guilt

This might turn into a bit of a jumbled up rant! It might also be quite epic. 

When my milk came in 3 days after Anabelle was born I was distraught. I knew it was going to come but when it arrived; and milk flooded my chest and soaked through my clothes, I was inconsolable. My body, nature had let my daughter die, but blimey it could still provide the food even though she was dead  Nature was cruel. 

I had planned to give breastfeeding a go. I wasn't particularly passionate about it (I'm still not), I knew it would likely take perseverance, but my general attitude was that of 'if it works, it works, if it doesn't, it doesn't'. Whilst expecting Alexander my attitude remained pretty much the same; I wanted to give it ago, maybe more so than I had with Anabelle because I didn't want to be in the situation again where I had milk and no feeding. But I still wasn't passionate about it. 

In my heart of hearts I believe there are FAR more important things than how a baby is fed; like it being alive in the first place for example. So why since having Alexander have I let this feeding malarky bother me so much?

I care very little for breast milk vs. formula debates. I hate the 'Breast is Best' campaign. Yes we all know it is true, and in an ideal world we would all breast feed our babies but you know what; formula isn't poison. So why has this campaign been allowed spring up groups of people who preach to the point of formula being abuse? And as far as I can see all the campaign has served to achieve among the formula feeding community is guilt. Guilt that they have somehow damaged their babies; sentenced them to poor health, poor IQ, just sub-standard members of the community. How exactly is that helpful to new mother's? 

How many new Mums have gone on to persevere with breast-feeding to the detriment of their happiness? Wasting the precious newborn days being miserable? 

And for the record I was formula-fed; I have managed just fine, I have a degree, a  career and not lacking IQ, my health is on the whole good. I'm not obese, I don't have allergies or reaccuring infections... As far as I can tell no one cares how I was fed as a baby, because it makes NO difference whatsoever.  Surprise surprise; I'm well adjusted despite the formula, and it is not, for example, a job application question I've ever been asked...  So I ask, what is the big deal about this today? Is anyone going to care when our children are our age? 

Anyway  excuse my ranty tangent. 

But with all that behind us, I was truly amazed by my emotional reaction when I thought we were not going to be able to breast-feed.  I was so determined I was going to enjoy Alexander's newborn days, I was going to try but I was not going to let breast-feeding become the be-all-and-end-all. A happy family was more important. 

So when we struggled in the beginning, you would've expected me to go onto formula and that be that. But no, I reacted in a way unbeknown to myself and cried about it the night we came home. After an hour of trying to get Xander to latch on, him screaming, me weeping; Jon insisted this was no good for any of us and gave him a bottle of formula. Of course Jon was right. 

But I felt like I'd failed my baby. 

How dare society have ingrained in me that formula = failure. How very dare they. I'm furious that in my hormonal new mother state I've been sucked in to this ridiculous guilt. And it is ridiculous, but its there all the same. And that is why I hate the 'Breast is Best' campaign, however well intentioned the original idea was; the implication from them is I had fed my child second rate crap. 

Urgh. So I cried. 

Then in the morning I tried again.  This time I tried with shields. My sons suckle was under-developed, he was struggling, I was struggling.  But the shields were like a miracle, there was no fuss, no tears. One happy feed under our belt.   We turned a corner, my confidence grew a little bit. 

But no, the health professionals were not happy with my decision to introduce shields. 5 days post-emergency-c-section, exhausted, trying my best and in a lot of pain, I was told the shields were detrimental to his well-being and would hamper his development and growth. Cue confidence shattered. I was referred urgently to the breast-feeding specialist.  Sheilds, apparently cause slow growth, 25% less milk etc etc.

Great. So as well as being ingrained that formula is poison and trying my very best to keep going with the breast, now my efforts to keep going were also wrong.  I felt guilty, again. 

After two visits to the specialist I decided not to go again. Trying to take Alexander off the shields was for many attempts stressful. A good attempt would be followed by a disastrous attempt. He would get upset, I would get upset. Why was I allowing meal-times to become so traumatic and have me dread them on the say so of someone else?  I didn't want to dread feeding my baby.

I didn't have the energy or confidence to remove them after the awful first week without them. I still don't. We have stuck with the shields, because that is what is working for us and up until now his weight gain has been just fine. 

Monday he had dropped below a percentile line; middle 50th to middle 25th. Cue me feeling the guilt again.

Although may I also add the last ten days my normally content baby has generally not been himself, crying and has been sick a lot. I went to the health visitor with my concerns first but wish I hadn't. The GP on the other hand listened, has diagnosed reflux and now we've introduced gaviscon.

The slow weight gain may not be anything to do with the shields just yet, and more to do with my poor boys reflux. But you can imagine where my mind went, especially when the entirely unhelpful blunt health visitor tells me he is either not getting enough milk or not keeping enough down.   

Is make the mother feel like crap part of their training?  Thank goodness for our lovely realistic GP seeing the bigger picture. 

We'll see how he goes a little while longer yet, I'll be listening to the GP before the health visitor from now on. But please tell me; when did a pound weight gain in a month become an issue? He is a lovely size for his age. You would have thought he lost weight, not gained with her tone. 

Our breast-feeding journey so far has at times been rocky. But I have stuck with it when I would never have expected myself too, which goes to show the influence of these campaigns, and the unnecessary but very real guilt inflicted on new Mother's.

I'll even admit I've stuck with it at times when a bit of me hasn't wanted too; on a bad day I feel a bit smothered and claustrophobic and glad when a feed ends. I could hold him all day and not feel like this, but there is something about him being attached that sometimes creates the other feelings, especially when some feeds take an hour or more. 

I don't enjoy breast-feeding like I thought I might (or should?). I like it a lot of the time, just me and my boy, but other times I really don't. I don't like the number of meals I eat cold or on my own because he happens to want feeding while everyone else is sat at the table. I don't like feeding in public; I do it, but I feel uncomfortable. No-one has made me feel that way, I just can't get used to it, I'd rather take a bottle of expressed with me. I find expressing a real chore; but when he was 3 weeks old, when I almost lost the plot I had to introduce one expressed bottle a day for my own sanity and space. 

It is a big deal to me to admit all these things. Especially when I'm so grateful for him and shouldn't feel any negativity. I've discovered this is one area my grief for Anabelle and knowing how lucky we are to have Alexander doesn't negate the parenting frustrations. 

I've stuck with it, but who exactly have I been trying to prove myself to? Myself? Medicals? Family and Friends? The breast-feeding militants? Why do I feel under so much pressure to keep feeding to at least 6 months? 

I've been surprised by my reaction to the thought of formula, how every time I think of making up a bottle I feel guilty.  I'd made a plan of exclusively feeding him until he was 3 months old and then, as expressing enough for one bottle a day was already becoming a battle, we were going to introduce formula for one bottle and see how we went from there. I thought having a plan to stick too would stop the ridiculous formula guilt I've had foisted on me, but apparently not. 

My supply seems to be changing, dwindling, I can't express as much as I used too. Depending on the next couple of weigh in's and taking all factors into account we may be mix-feeding soon. I don't want to be counselled on this, I don't want to be pressured 'encouraged' to keep feeding exclusively. I want it just accepted that will be the best decision for ME as well as Xander, and not the implied tone to be I've failed if we haven't exclusively breast-fed for 6 months then continued to 12 months or beyond. 

I just wish I felt empowered to not feel guilty about that. My rational head absolutely knows it won't do him any harm to move onto formula  and still have some boob.  I know it also won't do him harm to be just on formula. As my GP said; formula fed babies thrive too. 

Why, if there is a change soon, can I not just be proud we got to two months. Isn't that an achievement too? When did it become acceptable to make Mother's feel like failures?  When did baby feeding become a competition? Because sometimes that is the impression I get.

For another excellent blog on this topic go and read MmeLindor's take on the issue. Guilt Free Breastfeeding

17 comments:

LittleMe said...

It is never acceptable to make mothers feel like failures. It is just a shame that such a loud minority want to inflict their views on other women in this way. I blogged on judgemental attitudes a while ago and someone commented that these debates have been going on for a long time.

Mama Stokes said...

http://mamastokes.blogspot.com/2011/03/breast-feeding-is-hard-fact.html

I TOTALLY GET WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM!!!!!!

Seriously, go with your own instinct. I really really regret not listening to mine. I persevered with breast for 3 months and was so much happier once I jacked it in.

If breast feeding works, fab! But your baby will not be harmed by formula. If you manage to breast feed for any degree of time, then you are a hero I reckon!

h xxxx

Anonymous said...

There is just so nothing wrong with formula, really. I do think that if possible it is very beneficial for the baby to at least have colostrum but apart from that, like you say, you can't tell the difference between bottle and breast fed adults. Breast may be best in terms of being unprocessed but formula is food just the same and it's food/calories that are most important at this age, whether they be from breast or formula.
I felt very similarly to you with my first baby and really didn't enjoy breastfeeding, but for my second, I very happily mixed fed from 3 weeks old, my supply adjusted accordingly, as did my baby! I used bottles for out and about and breastfed more at home or night time.
Both my babies have turned out absolutely more than fine, as have I, also bottle fed, but have a degree, excellent health (touch wood), am fit, slim and happy. My husband also bottle fed and similarly has degree (Oxford), very successful in business etc, sporty, slim, great health. It'll all be ok!

Sara said...

I was never expecting to breast feed because of medication I'm on but I had random strangers who don't even have their own children saying. 'Well you're going to breast feed aren't you?'

What bloody business is it of their's? Grrrrr Like mothers don't have enough guilt to contend with.

Anyway it's been found that once you take into account socioeconomic backgrounds, there's little to no difference in how babies develop. The vast majority of babies in the late 70s and eighties were formula fed and we all turned out fine.

Hope you feel better after your post.

xx

Annie said...

Positive support really is needed! Not just a "your baby doesnt fit the profile" attitude. Sorry you feel like this xxxx

Anonymous said...

Actually, many babies formula fed are not fine. Incidence of SIDS is threefold for formula fed infants. Incidence of any type of cancer is tenfold. Incidence of mental health issues (both in childhood and adulthood) are tenfold. That's just naming the first three health issues that spring to mind.

The person above stating that socio-economic background, when taken into account, shows very little difference is sorely mistatken! ALL respected research studies make heavy (many would argue TOO heavy) adjustments for socio-economic background and yet the findings are all pretty conclusive! Every single study that I have come across that doesn't highlight formula feeding as risky has some sort of formula company finance attached to it - no joke!

And another thing that is MASSIVELY significant for anyone with a basic understanding of statistics is that NO study has EVER found formula to be advantageous!

It amazes me that people can be so ignorant. If you ask someone if eating processed food is good for them, almost EVERYONE knows that it's not and processed food should be limited or even avoided, yet formula is the most processed food stuff on this planet and yet people find it difficult to believe that there could be any ill effects from feeding it to their child for EVERY single meal...

Having said all that, I am not against a mother choosing to formula feed - there is often far more at play than simply what is purely in the best interest of the child - often psychological issues, external pressure or significant body image issues. I do really wish there was more support for mothers who WANT to breastfeed but find it hard, but for anyone simply wanting to formula feed, that's their choice. And we as a society should bloody well support ALL mothers and their babies. All I ask is that the facts aren't watered down, or blatantly ignored and those maternal choices are EDUCATED choices!

Fact is, the majority of children, regardless of feeding method turn out to be healthy individuals. BUT there IS an elevated risk with using formula - it's about risk assessment and choosing the path you are most comfortable with.

Jon said...

@Anonymous on the 15th Dec, 10:25

Would you mind pointing us in the direction of the scientific studies you refer to in your comment (SIDS three-fold, Cancer ten-fold and mental-health issues ten-fold) for educating mothers about the statistical risk concerning formula feeding, so that we and others may also read them in order to draw our own conclusions?

In the name of public education, that would be very helpful and appreciated. Ta.

Caz said...

Thank you Anonymous 10:53, your argument at least seems balanced and you see both sides and I appreciate that.

There is a lot to think about in what you have posted. FF being attributed to SIDS, cancer and mental health seems very black and white. Surely there are a multitude of factors at play and it be very difficult to attribute an accurate weight to any given factor? I'm especially struggling with mental health - if I develop an issue in the future can Dr's realistically site how I was fed as a baby as a/the cause? Or would it more likely the hugely traumatic thing that happened to me as an adult and lived with throughout my adult life to be the biggest player?

Ah so much stress over contemplating introducing one bottle a day and all these things that *might* happen.

I agree with my husband and would be very interested to read these studies and draw my own conclusions (and no doubt add to my guilt if we stop breastfeeding before 6 months or indeed 2 years as in the WHO guidelines!)

Links would be appreciated.

Susan said...

Have to say, I pretty much agree with anonymous above.

Jon/Cas - for research evidence, the UNICEF Baby Friendly site is fairly comprehensive, and helpfuly links research reports to specific risks. With regard to the SIDS risk, you might like a look at this study, which says:
"The authors say this study shows that breastfeeding reduced the risk of sudden infant death syndrome by around 50% at all ages throughout infancy and for as long as the infant is breastfed."
. http://www.unicef.org.uk/BabyFriendly/News-and-Research/Research/Cot-death/Does-breastfeeding-reduce-the-risk-of-Sudden-Infant-Death-Syndrome/

Cas - Popped by to see if you had had your baby yet - and he is absolutely delightful. Congratulations to you both.

Please try not to beat yourself up over all this. Being a new mother is hard, and being a bereaved parent is hard too. You're having to do both, and just because your baby was very, very wanted, it doesn't change that. Losing Annabelle first has made your task harder, not easier.

I know you said - don't give me bf-ing counselling - but..... sorry, I can't resist!

First, you are doing really well, despite your crap bf-ing support. How dare they make you feel so bad!! Second, (take it from me - I bf C for a long, long time and am feeding M now) the most difficult bit is the early months - please don't imagine that month 5 will be as difficult as month 1!

Formula is not poison - the risks are raised - but it is certainly not the end of the world to give him a bottle. But do take time to make sure you are comfortable with the decision, as if you switch to formula it is hard to go back. You might find it beneficial to get some better support for yourself too - local La Leche league meeting perhaps?

Enjoy Alexander - he is gorgeous!

Anonymous said...

Apologies, I'm running REALLY short on time right now. A quick google came up with : http://thebabybond.com/InfantDeaths.html - they have referenced their piece. This states a double risk but many of the studies funded by the WHO have found the increased risk to actually be just above three times. What you have to remember though is that SIDS is still extremely rare. I always warn people of this elevated risk because I can't think of much more devastating an event than loosing a baby to SIDS, but I don't mean to scare people - it's still pretty damn unlikely to happen!

As for the others, I really am so short on time right now. I've got stack loads of Christmas presents to wrap, a homemade table runner to finish and jam to make - that's all before going bed! I'd just popped on for five minutes while waiting for the kettle to boil for a much needed cuppa!

I've spent literally YEARS researching this issue. I've trained as a peer supporter, then a breastfeeding counsellor and am currently trying to go the whole hog and become a certified lactation consultant.

I've got four children and have formula fed one, mix fed one and since starting my road to discovery before the birth of my third, I can now say with utter sincerity that NO child of mine will EVER receive formula. It's just not worth the risk imo. Personally, if for whatever reason I was unable to lactate, I would source donated milk and feed via an SNS.

The mental health issue is primarily to do with the bottle and not the actual formula. When a baby nurses from a breast, their brain chemistry is totally different from that of their bottle fed counterpart. This discrepancy of hormones present is very clear and a logical scientific explanation for the stats is pretty straightforward.

As for cancer, there's actually something in breastmilk which current experts believe may actually be the key to curing cancer - they are just desperately trying to figure out a way of using it as a med. At the moment, the substance itself (again, short on time and haven't got the time to look it up - try googling "breastmilk cancer cure" and that'll likely bring it up) has a 100% success rate at killing cancer cells. Interestingly enough, the environment of the infant gut has to be recreated in order for this substance to do it's thing!

I really do need to dash - I didn't want to upset anyone and certainly would never judge - I just really do believe in education. I think it's vital that mothers are given ALL the facts in order to make truly educated decisions for themselves and their family.

Just a quickie, breastfeeding also offers protective measures against breastcancer (for both mother and child), ovarian cancer and osteoperosis to name but a few - again, a google search will no doubt highlight the accuracy of this - the longer you breastfeed, the better the protection.

I feel quite guilty for not being more useful BUT, one thing I always say to mums at group is that your own research is far more likely to stick and make a lasting impression than anything someone else tells you!

freeyourparenting.com said...

:( Not sure what the point is of telling a mother all the benefits of breastfeeding when she so clearly is unhappy doing it? I don't feel that forcing yourself to breastfeed is going to do anything at all for a mother's relationship with her child, which surely has to be the priority?

Caz - I wrote the article that MmeLindor links to in the post you linked to. I also wrote this about genuineness in parenting on Wednesday this week: http://freeyourparenting.com/2011/12/14/the-importance-of-genuineness-in-parenting/

I hope you find it helpful. I'm sorry to hear you've had such a stressful time. I can really recommend the book Breastfeeding Take Two by Stephanie Casemore if you want some non-judgemental, compassionate help in understanding what happened with your breastfeeding and why you're feeling so awful about it.

Please feel free to get in touch if you want any more help

Clare
xx

Caz said...

Thanks Susan, he is fab and I'm totally in love with him. M looks very cute in her elf costume btw! I do hope you have find some joy in Christmas this year amongst the ongoing pain. It all very odd isn't it.

Susan and Anonymous I will look at the links when I have 5 minutes to read them properly. One handed typing again at the moment while he sleeps on me!

Thanks Clare - I had a look at your blog last night and thought it was great. Reading some of your posts made me feel a lot better about feeling the way I do, like its ok to feel like this, while still advocating breast-feeding you seem to have a very realistic approach.

I'm not feeling very coherent today but this was one of those posts I nearly didn't publish, because I know it is an inflammatory subject for many.

I didn't mean for it to come across as I totally hate breastfeeding, because that isn't the case - I don't love it, or hate it, I'm somewhere in the middle. I just don't always enjoy it like I thought I might do, or think the message is I should do. I think its very difficult for women to admit that today because we're programmed to put our own feelings last.

I also guess I was feeling frustrated yesterday and just needed to get out of my system where I'm perceiving the source of all my guilt. I think you make total sense on your blog Clare where you say we're comfortable taking responsibility for ourselves but its a lot harder making decisions that might or might not impact on our children. I love the post on genuine parenting.

Caz said...

I'm not saying I'm about to jack it in. I certainly wouldn't rush a decision to stop, and certainly not about to stop feeing suddenly. If we stop I will wean him onto something else slowly, but for now we're sticking with it for as long as we can. I want to do that for him more than myself but that is ok, yes?

I'm not disputing the evidence that 'Breast is Best' but one day I will have to draw the line somewhere and formula will be absolutely the next best thing. I just don't know what "as long as we can" means for us. It might be the next few weeks, it might be next month, it might be when he's 6 months, it might (although I cannot imagine wanting to keep going that long at all because the thought of still doing this then fills me with dread) the full year. I can't imagine us long-term breast-feeding, I know it is supposed to get easier, length of feeds shorter but I'm still not sure the bits I don't like are going to change. So I guess I can only look ahead a week/few weeks at a time.

I guess my biggest worry at the moment is expressing enough for the one bottle he has in the evening. Maybe selfish, but I NEED him to have that one bottle a day - its working well for us all as a family. He gets some Daddy time without me, Jon gets some son time without me and I get an hour 'off duty' - I need that, especially if I've had one of my 'feeling claustrophobic' days. I'm much more likely to give up completely without that break every day. And this is the only area of parenting I’m finding remotely conflicting at the moment. Maybe being a bereaved parent I shouldn't want the break, I know I'm lucky, I certainly shouldn't be complaining or feeling negativity - but I'm also only human - hence it being a really big deal to me to have admitted these feelings.

Some days we really struggle to express enough, he wants 6 fl oz now. Finding the time wise and supply wise is getting increasingly difficult and I guess what I need is for somebody to 'give me permission' to introduce formula for the one feed he has by bottle if it comes down to it and expressing enough becomes impossible and tell me that decision is ok. Because even from the comments here the message is that formula *might* damage him at best or *might* kill him at worst. Although it might not do anything at all either.

And to be honest, however well intentioned (and I do believe you are trying to be supportive and informative) , the mention of SIDS and formula has had me in an even bigger turmoil today because after burying my daughter and the absolute relief that Alexander survived his pregnancy, SIDS is my number one sickening fear now he is here. You wouldn't believe how many times in 24 hours I check he is breathing.

It is evident though I'm not ready to give myself permission to do that either otherwise I wouldn't be torturing myself with this. For now we're carrying on as we are.

Who knew that one feed a day could cause so much stress.

Thank you for all your replies. X

Susan said...

I would definitely believe how many times a day you check he's breathing. Probably about as often as I do.. It is totally normal for a bereaved mother. SIDs is the riskiest thing we face, after the pregnancy and birth - and it scares me senseless too. I for one, will be very relieved when (I'm going to say WHEN) M passes the danger points - but I suppose the reality is we both have a big emotional task ahead in being proportionate about our children. We can't eliminate every risk - we know that really. But on the other hand, I don't want to hide my head in the sand, and pretend that there are no risks, and that everything is hunky dory. Devil and the deep blue sea I suppose - but I do sympathise....

I think the guilt thing is pretty standard for bereaved mums too. My friend recently blogged:
" I feel guilty, like these annoyances should not even enter my mind because I lost a child, a toddler. I said I would give anything to have her here, puking on me, crying on me. Guilt, it is never going to end is it?"
Maybe go and have a look at her blog: http://mamajamajenny.blogspot.com/2011/11/two-worlds.html

BF-ing is one of those topics that get people all uppity... do what's best for you. You will find a soltion that you're happy with - if it's any consolation, I reckon yo're doing super well, epseically considering your birth!!! Lots of women don't enjoy bf-ing at this stage - stuck in a chair all day with sore nipples - who would!!

Caz said...

Thanks for that link Susan, its sums up the conflict of our two parenting worlds colliding doesn't it.

Anonymous said...

Happy Mum=Happy bub in my opinion. You do what feels right for you. Babies are perceptive little critters and will pick up if you are not happy. Nobody has the right to undermine your decisions as a mother. My issue falls with tge education of motgers about the issue. I respect the need to know the facts; but why must it be done in such a patronising manner? It is frowned upon to force religion down one's throat...yes this issue is just as controversial and thrust in mothers faces from the minute the minute tge positive line appears on the pregnancy test. Why are mothers made to feel like second rate citizens if tgey make an informed decision? Why can't we respect the choices of others? When it comes to this issue does common decency, respect and courtesy not apply?

Anonymous said...

Caz, i'm not sure how i stumbled across your blog but i often look to see your latest update. I know exactly how you feel. my little girl was born a couple of weeks after xander (she turns 8 weeks this week) and like you had a if i can do it i will but if i cant i cant. The first couple of weeks were hard and t got the point i'd dread her waking for the next feed as it would mean pain! However we perserved and seem to be doing well. And then we went for a weigh in - and she hadnt put on what they consider acceptable. So then i got ushered into a side room and a health visitor came in and said i must get her weight up otherwise they'd have to refer me to a gp who would tell me to put her on the bottle. Now isnt that helpful from a breats is best society?! They couldve refered me to a breastfeeding support group - now that wouldve been more helpful!I honestly felt like i was being told off and not supported what so ever. I then went to see the gp the next day about another issue who told me not to get to worked up on tne whole weight gain issue. My baby was happy and healthy and developing as she should and that breastfed babies tend to put weight on slower. He also said that healyth visitors get so concerned about sticking to the lines and percentiles they actually dont take any other accounts into account.

I also wanted to let you know that i also give her one bottle of formula a day. Similar to your husband she has a half 11pm bottle given to her by my husband. It means i get solid sleep from about ten until three am making the days easier to get through. The rest of the time she has breast.My milk supply seems to be ok. I tried expressing but nothing came out. I sat on the machine for an hour and only got an ounce! And like you i dont love breastfeeding but i dont hate it either. I like the factthat i dont have to get out of bed to feed her at night and its suppoedly best for her and the benefits of weight loss but i dont feel comfortable in public although i do it, i hate having to think about what to wear thats easy to breastfeed, i hate getting full breasts as its uncomfortable and i hate leaking! As time goes on i'm contemplating switching to formula full time but there's something stopping me which is the guilt. I'm not sure whether i'm putting this guilt on myself or whether i'm trying to live up to other peopls expectations. Either way its there. For now im going to continue as we are..in my head i want to get to 12 weeks but when we get there who knows how i'll feel.... The guilt is horrible though...

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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