After Anabelle

Anxiety is peaking, as it always does this time of year.  

I've been reacting as violently to her birthday as I always do. 

This year it seems to be a sense of panic and constant nausea and sickness is how the physical aspect of grief is manifesting itself. I feel ill in waves, exhausted and drained in waves. I'm starting the day feeling ok, and by the evening I'm done in. Totally done in. 

I'm struggling to separate what is pregnancy related, being that amount of pregnant again, being that amount of pregnant again at the same time of the year as I was with Belle, and what is purely her birthday related. Realistically I know it is all inter-related. Feeling ill, exhausted and drained is as typical of an increasingly heavily pregnant woman as it is symptomatic of grief. 

June is always so hard and I feel like I'm stuck on repeat.  

The usual downward spiral to these few days. The days between the day she died and the day she was born. Limbo days. 

Anabelle's remember day last week was especially hard for some reason this year. I don't remember feeling so utterly drowned by it last year. Maybe I was. Thursday there was lots of lying down, feeling so unwell, and violently vomiting by tea time. Drained. An evening spent with constant palpitations and an ever rising panic in my chest. Tighter. Tighter. 

Six years on and a date remains so so powerful. 

These few days I'm struggling to calm myself down. A sensation of on the verge of panic has remained there is waves. 

Today I've been at my best for days. Tonight I feel ok. 

Tomorrow is the day before her day. 

As usual the build up to Anabelle's birthday feels too much. Just too much. 

And this year I'm 32 weeks pregnant at the same time. 

Just as I was six years ago. 

Six years. 

And he really is still our Small! At two and a half Zachary is the same height and the same weight that Alexander was at 18 months - a whole year of difference! Alexander never felt big; but it is getting pretty clear that Zachary has picked up a whole lot of Villars genes from my side when it comes to growth! So at two and a half he is still more than comfortable in 18-24 months clothes, some are even a touch on the big side on him! Currently I'm hoping he has a growth spurt into 2-3 clothes before January at least, so I can find some school uniform that doesn't look too ridiculously enormous on him!

Yes, come January, after his birthday, this Small boy, who still seems far far too little, will be start Nursery in school as a rising 3 and the application form process will soon be upon us. How quickly it all seems to be coming around. But Zachary is a little boy who loves his Wednesday's in private nursery and playing with his friends there, and would quite happily already follow Alexander into school each morning at drop off if he could and so I think he will thrive in school just as his brother has done. 

Zachary is as cheeky and wonderful as he ever has been. He is the absolute definition of cute and certainly knows how to get you on side with a quick flash of those eyes, a smile or a giggle. Definitely a charmer in the making!  The other side of him is decidedly feisty and determined, he cannot be persuaded from his plan of action and he has certainly been giving us a fresh experience of the 'terrible twos' - absolutely reminding us that no two children are the same!

My beautiful happy boy, you are already two and a half. 

Although sometimes I forget how quickly you are growing up, and forget you are not really my Small baby anymore when you are most definitely 'the baby' to me. You have no idea how suddenly big you will feel in just a few weeks when your new baby brother arrives. I'm so aware you have no idea what a massive change is just so hopefully around the corner now.  I'm treasuring these last few weeks where we get the mornings to ourselves, soaking you as my baby up. 

You know there is 'Baby Luc' in my tummy, but mostly that means so little to you doesn't it? You cannot really comprehend that it is a baby that is hopefully coming to live with us soon. I'm so anxious how you will adjust to a new baby when you're used to being the smallest in our family.  But I also know how anxious I felt for the change for Alexander when it was his turn for you to arrive, and I know how much you both love being brothers. Lucas will only add to this beautiful mix of boys.  I've so enjoyed you being my Small, and the baby. And you will still always be my Small, Xander will still be my Big and Lucas will be my Little. But even though you will still be Small I know so suddenly you'll feel so big too!  


Talking of brothers, you are Xander have a beautiful bedtime ritual at the moment. The must be done thing every night. After story time in Mummy and Daddy's bed you both run into your room and you laugh in delight as you climb into the 'wrong bed' - both of your snuggle down in Xander's bed, arms wrapped around each other and squeezing each other a big goodnight. Then you wait to be told and asked 'Oh Zachy, you're in the wrong bed, where do you sleep?' And you laugh and point and say 'my cot'.  It has become such a lovely part of bedtime routine. What beautiful brothers you are.   Although I think we're going to have trouble when your bedroom is transformed into a big boy room in the coming months; I predict finding you snuggled in with Xander on his top bunk most nights when we go to bed! 

I know your pet-name is Small, but at two and a half you really are still quite tiny! You're only around 86cm tall and weighing in at 26lb. 

Your favourite things are your shoes, and Xander's shoes, stories, stickers and colouring, going to the park, playing in the garden and most notably anything Elsa and Frozen! 


My goodness you really are Elsa obsessed at the moment. As soon as we're in the car you are asking me to put on 'Elsa songs Mummy' - you love the soundtrack, you're nearly singing along to all the words, with some pretty dynamic waving of your arms in accompaniment! Its is gorgeous to watch and no sooner has one of your favourite songs finished (Let It Go, or First Time in Forever) you're saying 'again, again'.  You love Elsa so much that we bought you a little soft Elsa doll for your half birthday which has pretty much travelled everywhere with us since! 

You are so active and busy. You love being outside and you love to run, bounce, leap and climb.  Boinging (as you call it) on the bed is a favourite getting ready for bed activity. No longer content with having a ride in the buggy, and refusing to be contained unless you're tired (or bribed! haha), you're starting to want to walk more and more when we're out and about now, although you cannot be trusted not to wander and need a close eye at all times. You seem to have a real sense of adventure, no fear at all and so desperate to be as big as your big brother. I'm sure you're going to give me my first grey hairs my boy!  

But equally you can still be fairly lazy when you want to be! You love to have a cuddled and be carried too. Which means in my current pregnant state a buggy is still a necessary item to take out with us because I cannot carry you that far anymore. (It does mean you recently got yourself a lovely new bright yellow light-weight stroller though as I was struggling with the pram in and out of the boot.) I hope you realise you'll have to transition to a buggy board soon!  I'm sure you'll find it a great novelty. 

You love putting your shoes on and are especially proud of your new 'star shoes' (Clarks Doddles with lolipops on the top and a star print on the soles) at the moment. You love them - as soon as you tried them on in the shop you were sold and wouldn't entertain looking at any other style or design. Just one of the examples of you having such clear ideas of your own and exerting yourself. I think one day you may be manager material! Still every day you are excited about putting your shoes on. Welly boots are another treat! You put Xander's shoes on nearly every day too, and even try walking around the house in mine or Daddy's too!

You've had a massive burst in your speech and vocabulary these last few months.  Which has only helped to make you even more cheeky! Go away, shush, don't like it and it's stinky all now feature in your ever expanding language! 


You know all of your colours now. It took a while; for a long time absolutely everything was 'blue' - but then all of a sudden I realised you were making observations about what you could see around you and telling me what colours you could see. Now you name each colour without a thought. 

You're developing more and more interest in numbers now and love to mimic counting, often counting during your play. You can just about count to 10 now, and understand about pointing to each object as you count - sometimes you forget a number or get muddled around five - but with a tiny prompt you are back on track. You love bedtime stories where you get to count; Ten terrible dinosaurs has been a favourite pick recently!  You know what a number looks like, and what a letter looks like. You can find number 2 and number 8 but you don't know any of your letter sounds just yet. I think this will be your next area for a burst of development very soon. 




I'm totally adoring your toddler time and the gorgeous little boy you are.  You are our absolute delight and you light up all of our days baby Small. 

We love you more than you know, always. 

Today I am 27+2 weeks pregnant with our little Lucas Elias Morgan.

Yes, our little rainbow the third and last is indeed another little boy and I'm feeling increasingly excited about the prospect of our little trio of little boys. Excited and already exhausted at the thought of it! What a marvellous team they're going to make; the three Morgan musketeers as it were.  Xander, Zac and Luc. 

Lucas has taken us the longest to name out of all of the children. It turns out naming a third boy is pretty tricky and in the end we gave Alexander the choice between two names to decide what he would like to name his new brother, because we couldn't decide! Lucas or Elias with Henry originally planned to be his middle name. 

But Xander has other ideas. He was pretty adamant instantly that Elias was not in the running for a first name; as whichever way we asked him Lucas, and Luc for short was his answer. But then, he said, 'but Elias as well Mummy' - and that is where Henry was dropped and Elias was promoted to middle name. We think it has a lovely ring to it and we can't wait for Little Luc to join us on the outside now as soon as he is big and ready enough. 

After that week of feeling pushed over the edge after the gender mix up and not really knowing if we were coming or going with girl vs. boy, at the moment I'm feeling settled and really genuinely happy, especially since giving our son his identity. Our little very much loved Luc.  And thankfully so far, I've not been met with any ridiculous comments regarding our 'single' gender children family.  I'm looking forward to pulling little outfits out again that Alexander and Zachary wore when they were tiny and buying a few little summer outfits for Luc of his very own; after all the older boys were late autumn/winter babies and if we're lucky Lucas will arrive in the midst of a warm summer.

I'm not sure my last post about it all was very clear. Whilst I can't pretend there wasn't any element of 'gender preference' when we embarked on our last pregnancy, my reaction surrounding that week of mix  up was so much more to do with Anabelle and grief and loss than it was to do with who this little baby was.  And for a few days it was violent and ugly, again. We had a girl once upon time, and part of me had started to process, believe, that we were going to get that again. For a few days, when the 'girl' became a boy, all my grief for Belle was ripped to the forefront again, because the other 'girl' had never really existed in the first place, only Anabelle.

Believe me there have been many times I've questioned why we were putting ourselves through this again.  Jon certainly has. But after Zachary I didn't feel 'done'. I wanted another baby, boy or girl. I always wanted three children; and we had three children of course, but we didn't all at the same time. 

I wanted my three earth babies. I wanted three earth babies and we're still not there yet. But now I really do feel done. I don't want anymore babies and Little Luc, regardless of outcome, will be our last. Lucas is almost within touching distance now; but we're also hitting that time, in my pregnancies where everything gets more and more scary, where I'm likely to start unravelling, where anxiety that he might die is going to get the better of me time and time again. The longest of home stretches. 

Coupled with that his due-date is just days different to Anabelle's, so all those June milestones, the week she threatened prem labour, the week she died, the day she was born etc. They're all coming when I'll almost be exactly that amount of pregnant this time with Lucas. 

June is going to be, um, interesting. 

The pregnancy on the whole has been interesting though I guess! 

This is the last week of my second trimester. 

During the last 14 weeks I've had a surprise hospital stay in London because of pneumonia. Pneumonia took six weeks to really feel totally recovered from and a couple of courses of antibiotics to really see off the infection. We discovered at the end of my pregnancy with Zachary we had the beginnings of a small tear which has increased my tear and rupture risk for this pregnancy. The care plan changed for a slightly earlier birth for Lucas again.  

Nausea has been more or less continually ongoing - vomiting also - although I'm only sick maybe twice or thrice a week now, compared to daily, and nausea and sometimes resulting sickness is often a result of my stomach being too empty.  It is however the latest into a pregnancy I've continued being this sick. Thankfully, so far, heartburn has been mild and infrequent compared to the daily yuckiness  of it all from 13 weeks with Zac. 

Fatigue and tiredness has felt worse in this pregnancy that ever before; I can't decide whether it is because I'm in my 30s and 'older'  this time around (haha), my bout of being really poorly or being a busy Mother of two little boys already. It is probably a mixture of it all but have definitely been feeling the strain, especially on the days I've been working too. I'm a hopeless sack of sofa potatoes in the evenings! 

I think the biggest notable change in this pregnancy is the uncontrollable mood swings I've been experiencing the last couple of weeks. I have these moments of feeling completely overwhelmed by something and appear to be dealing with it in rage instead of a like a rational person!  I think Jon is feeling particularly long-suffering at the moment with it all. 

Otherwise Braxton Hicks have already started these last few weeks as well and boobs already leaking colostrum. Maybe everything starts earlier and earlier with each pregnancy?! 

Today I'm home from work following the sudden onset of pretty severe pelvic pain yesterday. It was shocking - one minute I felt totally fine and the next I could barely move my legs or walk for pain. It felt like it literally came out of nowhere. It was bad enough to reduce me to tears three times during the afternoon, including calling Jon home from work early. By the time the lower part of my bump started to feel uncomfortable in the later part of the afternoon too - yesterday evening we went in for a check up to be on the safe side considering the rupture risks too. (That we're becoming increasingly aware and anxious of as we hit third trimester now.) 

It was a relief that there doesn't appear to be any scar or tear issues but the Dr last night said it looks like I've been unlucky enough to get pelvic girdle pain this time around after never having it before. (Or maybe I've been incredibly lucky to escape pain like this until pregnancy number four?!) Of course I've had achy and uncomfortable pelvis, hips and legs in the evenings after busy days on all of them, but nothing like this. So today I'm resting, still finding it painful to move and hoping the flair up settles down. It will be a long 8-9 remaining weeks if it doesn't go away! 

But despite the aches, pains and worries I'm enjoying my growing bump. It is all out front and Jon tells me you still cannot tell I am pregnant from the back. Lucas is growing very well and is currently tracking around the 75th centile for fetal growth, estimated to be 2lb 5oz already at my scan last week. Which is good for him with an early birth planned. Unbelievably, despite what feels like my ample size, bump is measuring the 27 weeks it 'should' be. 

I really need to take more photographs before it is all over for the very last time. Even though I feel done and can't imagine putting us through this again I also can't believe this is the last time I'll carry and grow a baby, the last time I'll have a bump.  It seems to be going by so much more quickly so far this time, although I fully expect that to slow down during these critical last few months and weeks. 

Here we go then. 

Another six months on from his last update. This year of being four is absolutely flying - probably not helped by the fact that mere days after turning four Alexander was telling us he was nearly five now... and has continued to do so since! He is definitely fairly obsessed with ages now and seems in such a rush to grow up and be bigger, to be older; "I will be five next Mummy, then six, then seven, then eight, then nine, then ten, and that is very big Mummy..." and so on. 

But right now he is four and a half and full of attitude and confidence. He is totally sure of himself now and becoming increasingly assertive in all situations. Sometimes too much so; driving us to distraction with his stream of demands, challenging our requests of him alongside all of his "whhhhyyyys" and whats!   I can see so much of myself in him now - we're not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, but he is definitely his mother's mini-me when it comes to attitude!  

Four years olds are definitely hard work, but we wouldn't have it any other way! 

My beautiful four and a half year old Big. You are around 104cm tall and 39 pounds heavy. You are cheeky and determined and absolutely never stop talking! You are so obsessed with being big and getting bigger - constantly asking about your next birthday and telling us how old you will be, and then how old you will be on the birthday after even that!  I think you are quite big enough for now! 

This last few months we've realised more than ever how sensitive you can be to change or big events. On New Years Day your school burnt down; four months on it still affects you, you still mention the 'naughty men' that burnt your school down, you still talk about the fire, you still worry about other places being burnt down, you still say you miss your old school (and by that you mean classroom - you are still in the same school, with the same teacher, just in a demountable now), you mention often about the naughty men getting out of prison. We've seen it all in your play too. You've needed lots of gentle reassurance that nothing else will burn down. I hope the boys and men who did it one day realise the impact it had on so many small children.   On the lesser end of the scale we've recently changed the car, and two months on you're still telling us you miss your green car! I think it is fair to say you kind of like it when things are staying the same. 

But by the time you are five your world will have gone through enormous change once again. You will be an even bigger brother, the biggest of all the brothers with your new baby brother due to join us before you finish your nursery year.  I know at the moment you are beginning to feel the flutters of worry about having a new baby; wondering how you'll fit in with an extra brother, but we absolutely promise you that you will fit in just as always, just as before.  We already know you are really good at being a big brother and you will be fabulous; after all, you decided what name he should have! We can't wait to see you looking after the littlest of the Morgan boys too. 

At four and a half your favourite things are: Transformers Rescue Bots,  Lego and the iPad. 

Daddy loves that you love Transformers. They were his favourite when he was a little boy too! I think he secretly loves playing with the little robot transforming toys as much as you do! 

We love your imagination and creativity with your Lego Duplo now - you build the most fabulous creations - enormous and detailed houses, towers, farms and rockets amongst other things. You absolutely love visiting the Lego shop and ask to go as soon as you realise we're in Cardiff! When we're there you instantly go to find the miniature Lego people figures and 'little Lego' play boxes. But the trouble I have getting you, Daddy and Zachy out of the shop (!!) - you all have a shared love of Lego! I think you're almost ready for your own first set of 'little Lego' - maybe for your next birthday. 

You really do love technology aka. the iPad and we've found ourselves putting restrictions on screen time. Now mostly limited to weekend afternoons because of a) the more you have the iPad the more you seem to want it, b) the strops when we say iPad time is finished and c) the arguments it already causes between you and your brother when you are only 4 and 2! 

Oh and you also went through a youtube phase watching ridiculous Playdough or Kinder Egg toy videos - I totally do not get the fascination at all, but from what I can gather lots of children your age are fascinated with them! 

It has been wonderful recently to see you come on leaps and bounds at school. Your sudden interest in spelling your name and your family names - being able to write them down all by yourself. Becoming so interested in what sounds words begin with - randomly picking words off street signs and telling us what sound the word starts with. Beginning to blend your letter sounds to read your first sets of words.  You are becoming more and more interested in colouring and drawing - beginning to take your time over your mark-making and your drawings becoming more and more recognisable - just this week you've drawn your best creation yet - a beautiful dinosaur that Mummy is going to put on our art wall in the kitchen! 

You are totally starting to click recognising your numbers to 100, telling me what numbers you can see on buses when we're in the car or how much petrol I have left from the numbers on the dash. This week you have been learning about symmetry and pictograms in school and have loved telling me all about it on the way home in the car. 

You still love Welsh and often slip Welsh vocabulary into general conversation, for example asking us how we're feeling, or counting in Welsh, or referring to the colour of something in Welsh, and even starting to learn what your body parts are called in Welsh. 

You are blowing us away and seem more than ready for the challenges of full time school and starting Reception in September.  We love that you love school and love learning! 

You are still learning to swim - you've even graduated to the Wave 1 swimming class now, which means no Mummy in the pool with you. The class time changed for Aquatots meaning we couldn't get there in time, but your swimming teacher thought you were ready to have a go at Wave 1 class, even though you were still a whole year too young really and should've been five. You're doing brilliantly. It is what I call 'watch week' tomorrow - where parents can watch your lesson through the windows - and I can't wait to see what you can do since the last 'watch week' - I know your swimming teacher is really pleased with you at the moment because every week when we collect you she tells us how hard you are trying, especially re-finding the confidence to swim on your back again.  

We're in for a BIG time the next six months my boy; our family is growing and you're starting big all day school. Such enormous milestones for you and we couldn't be more proud of you, every day and always.   For now I will sign off, until you are five. 

We love you so much, our Rainbow Big. 

A week ago they told us baby looked like it was a girl. You can imagine that there was a day or two of denial, disbelief that we would actually get that chance to have another girl; just wanting to wait until it had been definitely confirmed by a consistent answer a week later at my next scan. 

And then inevitable excitement kicked in, allowing myself to build my hopes up, imagine all the things that have been missing from my life for nearly six years, girly things. Knowing what we would name her. Thinking about what I would do to the nursery. Tentatively dipping my toe into a bit of online window shopping and allowing myself to look at the girls clothes that I haven't been able to do for all these years. 

Then we didn't get that consistent answer. 

This week they told us baby looks like it is a boy. 

It has been a very turbulent few days for me. 

Mostly it has felt like an extremely cruel joke has been played at my very fragile expense.   

The over-riding emotion being anger. So angry. 

Angry that Belle was taken from us. Absolutely grief-stricken again for her, the girl, the daughter I had already had once upon a time and robbed from me. Deep and raw reopened wounds. Nearly six years already that wasn't supposed to be like this. Hurting beyond hurting. Once again thrown back to 2010. The year that ruined me and broke me in so many immeasurable ways.

Then so guilty, because believe me, more than anyone I know this gender malarky isn't really what is important. 

And feeling so foolish and stupid for entertaining the thought of a girl. I've never really believed we would get another one, I never thought it would work out like that for us and I should have known better than to get so sucked in to a hope and a wish again so quickly. 

I did know better before that scan nearly two weeks ago. I was totally ready and prepared for the answer to be another boy, despite everything else that meant. I could've managed the emotion around that, because before we tried to conceive this baby I of course knew neither gender was a guarantee and who it would be is who it would be. 

Then they said girl.

Then they didn't. 

And what I couldn't manage this week was the swing from one to another. I was totally unprepared for the answer to change after a week of making space in my head, anxiety increasing about a girl pregnancy and then building another imaginary life for a girl.  

So it has taken me a few days to adjust again. To settle again. To let all that hurt, emotion and anger out; wishing no-one had ever dangled the carrot of pink in-front of me, wishing the only answer I had ever heard was a boy. 

Because hearing only boy would've been ok. Wonderful. All the things I said in my previous post.  

To hear girl first, and then not, was cruel. I hadn't prepared for that. 

So right now we're still waiting on another scan for some sort of consistent answer. 

My gut tells me it will be a boy, of course, after all that is harder to mis-identify on a scan. But who knows, it was clearly hiding the week before and after this week of old wounds being well and truly being reopened I need another scan to tell me again to be sure.  

At least this week my husband finally gave some boy names some serious consideration and therefore either way now, this baby will have a name ready when we once and for all know who it is. A possible name has helped my head and heart calm down tremendously and today I can totally imagine my little trio of three wonderful boys, if that is indeed who it is. 

Watch this space. 

It seems pertinent tonight, the night before we hopefully find out the gender of our little baby, to re-share this post (please click the link).  

Pertinent because FB reminded me today that six years ago, on this day, that we found out that our first child was a daughter. Six years and a day later we're might find out who our final child is. 

And of course our feelings surrounding finding out feel somewhat chaotic - trying to determine what our emotional response will feel like either way. 

Knowing this baby is already who they were always meant to be, that they are who they are; explicitly already a huge part of this family. I'm left in no doubt that either way - a little boy or a little girl - will feel like they were always a part of us as soon as they arrive, just like Zachary did. Ours. Loved beyond measure and completing our family in its incompleteness. 

But tomorrow I could very well be facing the reality of all of my 'what ifs' in my post in October. If I am - I'm still none the wiser how I go about finally finding peace with it, grieving it and putting it to bed. Acceptance. 

I do know that regardless I will continue to love my life of raising boys. My wonderful boys. 

I do know I'll continue to feel robbed of my girl. Because I am robbed of my girl - even if we have another one. Robbed of Anabelle doesn't change.  There was a life with a daughter that was supposed to be. 

Tomorrow we hope we'll be announcing who our baby is.  Either way, boy or girl, please be mindful that each and either comes with all the complexities of grief attached too. 

A boy means we're never having a girl. We won't deny there won't be sadness attached to never having an earth girl. But we will also be excited! We'll have our little trio of boys - and I can really imagine Alexander and Zachary as a three!  A real band of brothers. It will be beautiful, even if I will be well and truly outnumbered.  (However for the first time ever we don't have a name ready at this stage if it is a boy, Jon is completely uninspired and vetoing all of my suggestions - this is making me twitch that we might have an unnamed child at this point in our pregnancy!) 

A girl is a whole other can of worms.  We will be undoubtedly excited. Another chance of pink in this family, another chance to experience raising a girl.  A biggest brother who is adamant he is getting a sister and that he wants a sister. Along with a whole concoction of emotion around girls in general,  the girl we should already have had. A daughter after a dead daughter - I'm not really sure how I go about those potential feelings yet either - how much I still have to deal with. We will be terrified in equal measure. After all my track record of successful girl pregnancies is zero.  (We do have a girls name though, so pleased to be at least sorted there if it is pink.) 

Tomorrow is a big important exciting day, either way, but please be mindful I might also feel over-sensitive to some things, whatever the gender for a while.