Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

I Dreamed a Dream

Last night one of our friends text me to say she had been listening to the song "I dreamed a dream" and that the song had made her think of me, Jon and Belle. I can certainly see why and relate to the end of the song. Infact it sums it up perfectly; 

"I had a dream my life would be, so different from this hell I'm living, 
so different now from what it seemed, now life has killed the dream I dreamed." 

Today is one of those hellish days. Another significant date to get through; Mother's Day. Whilst the majority of Mother's spend today with their precious children, I am apart from mine. 

Last year on Mother's Day Jon bought me a 'Mother-to-be' card and some Lindt chocolates; Anabelle was 19 weeks grown and we didn't quite know she was a girl yet. We were so full of excitement and anticipation about finding out what flavour our baby was, reaching the half way mark of our pregnancy, our babies ever fast coming arrival and excited that the next time Mother's Day rolled around our baby would be here. I remember us talking of all the things we could do together on Mother's Day next year.  That was our dream; we believed it was our reality. 

But now we know our reality is very different from what we dreamed; from the excitement of my pregnant Mother's Day, by (and on) Father's Day I was in labour and waiting for our sleeping daughter to arrive.  

It is now next year and Mother's Day again, and everything we wanted to do together will never be.  Anabelle is not here to celebrate our first proper Mother's Day; instead her Daddy tries his absolute best to make today as special as it can be regardless and celebrate my motherhood. Despite it all, I'm as much of a Mummy this year, as I was last year. 

Later on today we're going to the hotel where we got married overnight, our special and happy place that signifies so much in our relationship. Before that I'll go and spend some time with my girl in her garden. This is our plan for today; it will see us through. 

We had just dreamed it was going to be so different. 

3 comments:

Thomas said...

Not sure what I can say that will help - because I know that the 'right' words dont exist. Sending my love and thoughts to you and your hubby today. Anabelle will always be your daughter and you will always be her Mummy xxx

Shabbs xxx

Sam H said...

Regardless of circumstances, you are still a mummy to the most beautiful little girl. Anabelle means that you will always be a mummy, regardless of whether you have more children or no. Hugs to you and Jon on this your first Mothers Day. xx

T said...

I dreamed a dream in times gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

And still I dreamed she'll come to me
That we would live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed


It was this version of the song i was listening to
(From Glee)

My intention wasnt to cause you more hurt hun, but to offer you a lttle comfort in knowing how all your friends and family are, and always will be there for you and Jon!!
Love and Hugs,
x x x

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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