Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 5 January 2012


So the third series on One Born Every Minute started last night. I know this because of the multitude of facebook status updates about it; women being kick-started into full on broody mode and apparently a boy called Kurt who no-one seems to be very impressed with. 

I didn't watch it. 

Series 1. aired while I was pregnant with Anabelle. It was my TV viewing highlight of the week. I got really involved with it all; I especially remember a really young couple who's maturity far out-weighed their years. That young boy was a far better support to his girlfriend than many of the other grown men taking part in the series from what I recall. 

I watched it and freaked myself out about birth, but was so mesmerised I could not stop watching. There is a fine line between wonderment and fear! 

Their babies will be two now, maybe even two and a half.  

Series 2. along with the live Christmas specials last year I couldn't watch. I didn't want to watch. Why would I?   Six months after Anabelle. Happy ending births with babies crying. I didn't have that; I couldn't watch anyone else who did.  Of course  I wouldn't wish the alternative on them, but it hurt too much. I didn't need to do it to myself. So despite the craze sweeping the rest of the nation it was a no OBEM zone here. 

I thought I'd feel differently about the programme this year. I thought maybe I would even try watching it. Jon thinks I should, even said he would watch it with me. Maybe he thinks it would be some sort of good moving on therapy. 

But the idea fills me with dread and infact the thought of turning it on had me feeling anxious, panicky almost. So instead of watching it we were all in bed already last night. 

Surely I should be feeling stronger about this now? After all I've had my screaming baby; I've had a happy ending birth. What is there to be scared of?

Despite it all coming good for Alexander and me I still can't put myself in the position of watching other people's happy endings. Not in a real life documentary type sense anyway. 

Ironically I want to watch Call the Midwife when it starts on BBC1; I can only assume the fictional acting not real aspect puts me in an emotionally better place for this. Although as Jon pointed out because of the period setting for the programme it is likely babies will die. Even in storyland I find baby death difficult to sit through. 

But Call the Midwife I am willing to give a go, even if I end up turning it off. 

OBEM I can't bring myself to try again, not this year. It reminds me to much of watching in anticipation of Anabelle's birth. The rawness of my deafening silent room is still too much. 


My New Normal said...

I don't watch it either.

Weezer said...

I couldnt watch it either well the only time I did watch was when a sands lady had a c-section after 2 angels that was wonderful as I felt it was filled with the hope of a rainbow, but the everyday births still leave me distraught as it feels like my heart is being torn with the memory of our silent birth with Esmée :( xxx

Janette said...

Just want to send you hugs xx

Ava's mummy said...

I can't watch it either and had my rainbow just before you. The happy endings are too much for me also. xx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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