Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

One More Step

Time keeps galloping on by, fast. We're approaching the last time we saw Anabelle, two years ago tomorrow, in the chapel of rest, the evening before her funeral.  But you know what really frightens me, is that as time moves on, the real clarity ever begins to fade. Not of the details about what happened and when but the clarity of her. Surely I should as her mother be able to remember forever? It scares me that I could really forget what she felt like to hold in my arms, what she really looked like beyond her photographs, what she felt like to touch, how heavy she felt.  

Sometimes, how tiny she really was feels like it is beginning to escape me. Just as it does with any newborn. It has only been 8 months since I held a newborn Alexander in my arms, but already I marvel at how tiny he used to be. This must be why you can never get over how tiny newborn clothes look when they are unpacked. You simply forget how small your children were in the beginning with the passing of time. He still feels tiny to me now but he is enormous in comparison to 8 months ago, and a complete giant compared to his sister.  The difference in their hand and footprints on the fridge now is staggering. Both my babies; one grows the other doesn't. 

Anabelle was 44cm born and 4lb 5oz, Alexander was 57cm born and 8lb 13oz.   Now he is 70cm tall and 20lb and I already cannot really remember how small he was on me in those tiny baby days. If I can't really remember with Alexander is is any wonder the clarity is fading for Anabelle too?  See, with Alexander it has been even easier to forget, he has been growing all the time, I hold him every day, he is always my small baby in my arms, but his sisters memories I try and cling to because they are the only ones I've got.  But memory is failing me, time and distance tug away and it can only get worse year on year.

What scares me the most is that one day, without her photographs I won't even remember what she looks like. But for now, although much bigger than her, her brother still looks like her when he sleeps. Although this is something that still manages to catch my breath and my tears every now and again I hope it is a resemblance he doesn't lose any time soon. It helps keep a tiny piece of her with us. 

Someone earlier on today said to me to look at it like this; every day that passes, even though you think it is separating you further from her memories, is actually a day closer to her...

and they are right. Each day, all those of happiness, joy and those full of sadness and despair are days of life closer to being reunited with my baby girl. If time and age stop me clinging to the clarity of memories, it cannot take away clinging to the hope of an eternal lifetime with her in heaven. 

One more step along the world I go, 

one more step along the world I go;

from the old things to the new 
keep me traveling along with you:
And it's from the old I travel to the new; 
keep me traveling along with you.

Round the corner of the world I turn, 
more and more about the world I learn;
all the new things that I see 
you'll be looking at along with me
And it's from the old I travel to the new; 

keep me traveling along with you. 

As I travel through the bad and good, 
keep me traveling the way I should;
where I see no way to go 
you'll be telling me the way, I know: 
And it's from the old I travel to the new; 

keep me traveling along with you. 

Give me courage when the world is rough, 
keep me loving though the world is tough;
leap and sing in all I do, 
keep me traveling along with you: 
And it's from the old I travel to the new; 

keep me traveling along with you. 

You are older than the world can be, 
you are younger than the life in me;
ever old and ever new, 
keep me traveling along with you
And it's from the old I travel to the new; 

keep me traveling along with you.


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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