Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 21 July 2013

A Nightmare Night

After a quieter, more settled few weeks, last night was a nightmare night again. 

Vivid and horrible. Alexander died. Vividly and before my eyes, my beautiful boy died. I could feel it, it was real, the sickening gut feeling, my chest exploding, panic rising, holding my floppy lifeless toddler in my arms and knowing there was nothing I could do to bring him back. 

We were at some sort of indoor seaside, with proper waves and a weird underwater current. We were paddling and Xander was pulled away from us by the current and under the water. The water was murky, so we couldn't see him. We dived under to find him, again and again and again, but we didn't find him until it was too late and he had drowned. Reviving him futile and I could feel it as if it was real and the realisation that my second child had died too was washing over me. I wanted to die, I couldn't do this again. 

Then I woke up. 1.30am. Flying out of bed, tears nearly there just to go to his room and listen to him breathing. 

My chest was pounding and barely able to breathe. I felt sick. I was panicking, even though I knew it wasn't real. 

Eventually I went back to sleep, but I still felt very panicky and unwell this morning. 9.00am and I was still having strong palpitations. It was nearing dinner time before I felt better, but if I'm honest my chest has felt weird all day. Deep breaths hurt a little this evening. 

I hate the effect a bad dream can have. How it eats on into the day and continues to effect your well-being long after it has passed. Its been all I can think about today. Another of my precious babies dying. I can't do it again. I won't survive again, if you can really say I survived now. Yet another dream reminding me how fragile this life is and that the lives of my children are not guaranteed.  Alexander, Blob could be taken from me just like Anabelle was. This morning, the chances of burying Alexander or Blob felt imminent. I was there, visualising Anabelle's open grave again and another tiny coffin being put next to hers. 

This morning I said to Jon I'm too scared to take Xander swimming tomorrow as usual now, or to the beach next week when we are on holiday like we had planned to, because I'm genuinely terrified some freak accident will occur and he will drown. Most of my nightmares in June were flashbacks, or the reality I know is there, but this nightmare felt like a premonition. 

Tonight I've made myself pack the swimming bag ready for tomorrow. I cannot let irrational fear induced by a bad dream stop Alexander doing something he loves, something we've done nearly every week since he was three months old. I know it will be fine. But there is this part of me screaming but what if it isn't. Tomorrow I'm going to be nervous at the pool when I haven't been before. Another nightmare to recover from and try to forget.

I know regardless now, I'm going to be feeling freaked out about the beach. We'll have to go of course, its a holiday, its what you do on holiday, our child will enjoy the beach this year, he loves his sand and water table ,its only fair we take him. But I know I'm going to be on high alert and tense now and not enjoy it properly. Is it unreasonable to insist he is holding one of our hands at all times while he paddles in the very shallows of the sea? Or should I allow him to be a step or two away from me if he wants to, while I hover over the top of him but letting him enjoy a little freedom. 

It isn't easy being a parent with a dead child. It colours all rational and irrational thought into hysterical thoughts.  And blimey after last night its been on the hysterical end of thought today. 

Now I better go and think about the list of worries and events to start exploring with my counsellor tomorrow. Nightmares and the engulfing fear my living children will die too are right up there then I guess.... 

Hoping for a quieter nights sleep tonight at least.  

1 comments:

Nessie Hill said...

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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