Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

Why We're Having Another Baby

I've been asked a few times recently if I'm feeling as scared this time... The answer is yes. I'm utterly terrified this baby will die before it is born and we'll be burying another baby in another coffin again. Even though we have Alexander, and he lived, death still feels the overwhelming factor for our pregnancies. A very real risk. It happened before, why wouldn't it happen again? 

This time I spent the first trimester mildly obsessing about miscarrying. Almost convincing myself for a while we wouldn't get past the early stage this time. I had no reason to think we wouldn't, the end of pregnancy has been our problem area, not the beginning. But somehow it felt a real possibility this time.  With Anabelle, miscarriage was something I of course knew was a risk but didn't let myself really think about it, it wasn't a conern. With Alexander, I strangely didn't think about early loss too much either, all my effort and concern was fixating on how we were going to get through at the end. I let the first trimester wash over me a little because 12 weeks meant very little anyway. It still means very little. 

This time I seem to be winding myself up a little all the way through, at each stage. I suppose I did exactly that last time too, but maybe in a slightly different way.  There is no rest, I'm just as scared. I'm winding myself up there'll be no heartbeat at next weeks scan, even though I can already feel baby Blob moving around quite clearly. I love and dread scans with equal measure. I can't wait to see Blob again on the screen, I can't wait to find out who Blob is in two weeks, but the build up to scans is still immense. I'm feeling more than wobbly on the way in and only the flickering on the screen calms me, for a time again at least. I fear those words more than I can describe. 

Three years ago death violated me and this is what will live with me most forever. I led on a scan table and was told my 32 week grown baby daughter had no heartbeat. The third trimester, 8 weeks off due date. At a time when we're led to assume our babies are safe and coming home, my baby died. Three years on I still don't really know where to begin with processing it. There is no naive assuming for us now. 

I wasn't the one who was dead, my daughter was. My tiny baby daughter. Inside me. I carried death inside me for five days.  I managed to live and breathe, while she had gone within. Ironic as it almost is; I gave birth to death. 

There is a difference this time though. It seems to be going by more quickly! I think this is mostly a good thing, even though it feels I'm being hurtled towards the scariest bit. Those last few weeks with Alexander when I stopped coping are coming ever closer. This time I need to try and keep it together a bit more. Last time every moment dragged, I guess I'm so busy with Alexander this time it mostly hasn't had time to drag yet.  Xander is going to be my refuge as he always is. My precious boy. Tomorrow I'm already 18 weeks pregnant. Already more or less reaching my half way point. I'm breaking this pregnancy down into milestones. The next is the 25th July and naming Blob properly. 

I wonder if people question why we're having another baby, why we're putting ourselves through this again when we have a living baby already now? Are we pushing our luck?

We planned to have another baby, because mostly, we want to; we love being parents, we adore our children. Our family doesn't feel complete; although I realise it never will because we'll never have Anabelle, we need to find our version of 'complete'. We need to be brave for our 'complete'. We're being brave and adding another child to our family, another hopeful rainbow like Alexander. We're having another baby because we want Alexander to have a chance at some normality. To have a sibling he can really know. To experience play and love, not just waving and blowing kisses at a photograph of his sister and playing around her graveside. As much as he seems to be forming some sort of remarkable bond with his sister, seeming to grasp her importance in his absolute innocence, seeming to know the little girl on the mantlepiece is part of his family; that kind of siblinghood shouldn't be the only experience of having a brother or sister our beautiful boy should have. In part, we're doing this for him. 

We're having another baby because I love being a Mummy. I've got so much more out of being a mother than I do anything else in life. It fulfills me. My babies, all three of them are my life. I'm happiest when I'm with my baby boy, happiest when we're having our Mummy days and our family days. Our little family is all that really matters to me. I want our hands full. So we're being brave, even though we are very scared. We dare to hope. We dare to believe, because we have too; because Alexander came home we have to dare to trust Blob will too. 


honest diaper said...
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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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