Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Another Pile Of What Ifs. Girl. Boy.

This is a post I'm almost too scared to vocalise. Too scared to face. Scared of being judged. I guess this needs to be on the counselling list. 

What if we never have another daughter? 

What if, as well as grieving for Anabelle I will have to accept pink, dresses and girly things are not going to be part of our lives; at least not in the way I would love them to be or they should've been. What a new can of worms to come to terms with that would be, a new kind of grief all over again.

Our loss was two-fold that day. First and foremost we lost Anabelle, her unique little being and the beautiful child she was going to be. Then we lost the dreams and a life we had built in our imaginations with a daughter in it. A daughter we no longer have, a life and dreams that were snatched away and we're still yet to experience. Instead dreams were replaced with pain. A living nightmare.

We bought beautiful girly clothes, delicate pink and flowery bedding, cliche girly decorations for her room. Things for Anabelle, but things for a daughter. Things that are still in our roof, unused. Boxes and boxes of baby girls clothes and things. Yes I know lots of people hate the pink for a girl, blue for a boy thing but I didn't. I don't. Having Alexander was new dreams, boy dreams, a different kind of life, new different things, boy things. 

Even if this baby is a girl I'm not sure I could use Anabelle's things, not all of them, they are hers. Regardless of what this baby is it will be getting plenty of things bought just for them. Their things; not just all hand-me-downs from their brother or sister. It isn't really about using her things. It isn't about trying to replace a life we had taken away, it can't be fixed, nothing will fix my firstborn daughter being snatched away. But I'm not ready to accept a life never raising a daughter at all. Maybe because I still can't accept that the daughter I have, I had, was taken away. I don't want to face a whole new set of potential grief that the only daughter I ever had was taken away. I can barely cope with grieving for her without grieving for another girl that might never even have existed. I really don't like myself for admitting that. 

It is different to a boy isn't it.  

I don't think I'm expressing myself very well. I must sound beyond awful. Thank goodness for Beth Morey who expressed these fears much better than I have done! 

I, more than most people, know that gender is not the most important thing. It really isn't and above all else all I care about is that this little baby comes home.  But what if this is our last baby? I don't know that it is, but what if this is our 'last chance' to have a daughter that stays and comes home? People keep asking me what I want this time. I still want a living baby that is all; but I can't deny a girl, if this is our last baby, wouldn't be a bonus of sorts. On one hand at least; another chance of raising pink. Not raising Belle. 

On the other hand there is so much fear either way. 

But I'm terrified I'm not going to react well if we're told at the scan next week that this baby is a boy. I had a dream a few nights ago that it was a boy and my reaction wasn't pretty. I know it was only a dream, but what if that dream is my subconscious telling me something; I hate myself for it. I don't want to be that mother, that terrible person. I didn't want this to be an issue. So now I'm scared this beautiful bond I'm developing with my unborn child will be severed if I react badly to a boy. To a boy that already has a name if he is indeed a boy this time. How could I be like this? 

Equally I'm terrified this baby might be a girl. 

What a turmoil to deal with. Another set of emotions. As much as I don't want to face never raising a girl, I'm not sure I'm ready to face having a girl.  I'm scared its a girl. I'm scared that I can't carry girls to term and that is why Anabelle died. Mostly I'm scared that if we're told this baby is a girl there is an even bigger risk that it will be another death sentence waiting to happen and we'll be burying another daughter. Scared. 

I'm scared I would somehow compare her to Belle, or reinvent the life we were supposed to have three years ago. I don't want to do that. I would want her to know how special she was in her own right. Have dreams for her in her own right. Just as I would want another son to know how precious he was too. I would hate for this baby to be a boy then him find this post one day for example, to see never having another girl has even crossed my mind. I wouldn't want him to think he was unwanted because of his gender. That simply isn't true. I love this child so much already and I don't know who they are. 

Secretly (or not so secretly I guess!) I would love another baby after this one; another boy, another girl. A life where I had two of each maybe. But life doesn't work like that, and whatever happens I have to accept and love the children we've been given or will be given as much as I love the one that was taken away. And I will, because I adore my children, and I know, just because of Anabelle and Alexander that gender is irrelevant to love. 

Anabelle was perfect and wonderful, my world and so would another daughter be.
Alexander is perfect and wonderful, my world and so would another son be.

I know this. So why am I so scared about how I will react to finding out this time? 

But we need to find out. This child needs their identity incase the worst happens. Anabelle being Belle for 12 weeks before she died is great comfort. To us, she died a person. We need to bond with a person, not just a 'baby' just as we did with Anabelle and Alexander. And I need to know, to face my fear on both sides and sort my head out either way. 

This child currently has two names and we're just waiting to find out which one belongs to them. Please let me be a good mother and react as well as I can, with all my fears, for either one. 

Regardless of what you think of me for admitting these fears and thoughts, please be gentle in your responses to this post. 


Sam H said...

Big hugs lovely xx

Anonymous said...

It's not awful to feel a strong preference for a girl (or a boy). It's a lot more common than most people think. I have three boys and recognise a lot of what you are saying. You are brave for being so honest about it, it's not an easy topic to tackle. I do hope you get the result you want. Thinking of you x

Anonymous said...

I have five living children, 3 boys and 2 girls and a little boy Joshua that I lost in pregnancy. I was relieved when my pregnancy after Joshua was a girl (my first one) but I was delighted that my next pregnancy was a boy.
I can so relate to what you write because I felt just like you do. Please don't feel bad because of this.
I know that whatever sex this baby is it will be loved and cherished just like Belle and Xander so obviously are.
Will be thinking of you x

Anonymous said...

This can't have been an easy post to write, let alone to be having these thoughts and feelings. You needed to say this Caz and, as usual, you've done so eloquently and honestly.

Liz x x x

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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