After Anabelle

My first counselling appointment in two years has been arranged. Next Monday. Yesterday it sounded like I was in for a bit of a wait for a space to become available. Today I've been emailed with an appointment for next week. Suddenly I'm very nervous and don't have a clue where to begin. 

What am I hoping to get out of this? I'm not really sure.  Maybe to feel stronger again, put the fragile part away for a while again, maybe not to let other people and the times they are insensitive bother and break me so much, maybe to mentally pack away the June just gone. Why was year three so much harder than year two? Maybe to prepare me for becoming a family of five while only really being a family of four, if we're lucky. Always so bittersweet. What elements need exploring as a priority? I don't know. My mind feels very jumbled. Somehow I know I need to pick it apart and write it down before I get there. 

What can they really fix for me? I'm not fixable. No amount of talking can bring my baby girl back, they can't put me back together. Somehow I just need to figure out how to cope with the foreverness of our grief. 

Blimey 2013 is a big year. I'm made enormous leaps recently but I've also taken a huge knock backwards. So much has happened, so much is happening. I guess this is the first step to trying to figure out the way forward from here.