Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

Back At The Beginning

I made the list for the counsellor. Every event, every worry that seems significant at the moment. It came to at least eighteen items long... so much to deal with, a little overwhelming seeing it all written down on paper. 

It was last December when I first mentioned my nearest and dearest were suggesting accessing counselling to me again. Late last year, seven months ago when it was clear that not everything was well and I was struggling with an evolving grief and time moving on. Maybe if I had accessed it then, and not put it off, the ultimate meltdown in June wouldn't have happened. Looking back this all feels a long time coming. 

So I went last night for the first time in two years. The same place but a new counsellor because the lady I previously saw had moved on. It was all very overwhelming and I left beyond exhausted and drained. Ill even. 

Last night we talked about all my background, not in huge amounts of detail but enough for her to get a grasp of why I was there. We went back to the beginning quite literally and then I had the realisation that is where I've always been really, just below the surface. I knew my grief was still raw, still consuming, but I thought I was dealing with Anabelle's death in my own way. But maybe I haven't at all. I've talked and blogged endlessly but I've become stuck on the 'Journey' as my counsellor described it, somewhere along the way. I haven't emotionally dealt at all with what happened to our family, to our daughter. The counsellor thought a form of PTSD was entirely possible. Because as she said 'what is more traumatic than burying your child'. 

Of course, session one and I cried.

So we're starting back at the beginning and starting grief counselling again as if I never had it before. 

She talked a lot about letting Anabelle go. Not forgetting her, but letting her go to a place where I don't feel raw and longing every time I think of her. She talked about a scar then never goes away but doesn't hurt anymore. That seems impossible and something I don't even think I'm ready for. I guess she means letting go of my grief, rather than her but I'm really struggling to disentangle Belle from grief. They've always gone hand in hand and its frankly overwhelming and scary to accept there being one without the other.

I'm scared not to grieve for her. The idea of feeling no grief when I think of my daughter makes me feel very guilty, because doesn't she deserve that of me? Isn't this part of what gives her her place in our family? If the grief gets less prominent doesn't she get less prominent? The fear of her being forgotten is already too much without her fading into the background of my family too. I need her to be as included as Alexander is, and Blob hopefully will be.

She is one of them. One of us.

I don't know how I possibly begin to move past this. I'm so utterly heartbroken without her and part of me thinks I need to feel this pain.  

Just one session has already opened up so much more reality and I don't know if I'm ready to do this at all. 

Here's for some more turbulence then I guess.

Hand holding and reassurance appreciated. 


nanny mcreed said...

Sweet Belle will never be less prominent in your family. How can she be, she is Jon and yours first child, first daughter, the older sister of Xander and blob...nothing changes that....not a single thing

Grief is utterly terrifying, as you know, it consumes every single part of you but allowing your beautiful daughter to untangle herself from it and to be separate from it...to be Belle like Xander is Xander and Blob is Blob is ok...she will forever be a part of you

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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