Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

V Day

Today is "V" day. Today I'm 24 weeks pregnant. Today Alexander is viable. 

I'm not greatly enamored by the word viable. I think it is slightly distasteful, another one of those words that doesn't do a whole group of babies justice, because I think the opposite word, unviable, anything before 24 weeks makes those tiny people sound less significant; when nothing could be further from the truth. 

I don't for one minute think my baby is anymore important today than babies who are a few weeks behind him. That losing Alexander before today would've been any less devastating than it will be from now on in.  

But in the eyes of the law; today my son becomes a legal little person!

If he was to die and be born today, or in the weeks to come, he would now be entitled to the same rights, and certificates as his sister. 

When we were pregnant with Anabelle I remember briefly commenting that 24 weeks meant she 'could' survive outside of me now, but the date held little to no significance for us. After all, in my naivety it hadn't occurred to me she would do anything by come home anyway. Prem-babies, dead babies; always the sort of thing that 'happens to other people' - not something to think about when you're pregnant, always to keep the rose tinted glasses on. 

Today this moment feels very different, because the possibility that Alexander may not survive is all I can think about.  Today is important. My son has become a 'real' recognised person by the law, and not just by us.  24 weeks is another milestone I've been aiming for. Breaking this pregnancy down into milestones is keeping me sane and today is one of those moments. 

Alexander celebrated at just gone midnight by having an almighty kick around; its almost like he knew we'd entered a special day! Rolling and kicking so hard we could see him moving as well as feel him. One of those beautiful Mummy, Daddy and baby moments we cherish every time they happen. 

So for my next milestone; 28 weeks and beyond. Because 28 weeks marks the point when each week onwards and upwards from there, the survival and prognosis of a baby if born prematurely gets better and stronger. Although I'm not naive anymore, I know better than most that nothing is guaranteed in pregnancy, no life of a baby is guaranteed at any stage. I'm just clutching at some sort of hope for Alexander if I threaten premature labour again like I did with Anabelle.  

Then the hardest milestone of all; getting through 31 and 32 weeks when our world broke with Anabelle.   Praying that he'll still be with me and I'll be more pregnant than I've ever been before. Then the only milestone left after that will be his birthday and the hope of bringing him home and being an earth Mummy and Daddy too. 

It feels such a long way away.


Anonymous said...

Sending my love and thoughts. Searching for the 'right words' that will help your anxiety and worries - but, once again, there are no 'right words' only to say although we are many miles apart I will be walking beside you in spirit xxxx

Love Shabs xxx

Geves Lafosse said...

A milestone of a day. Thinking of you and sending good vibes for Alexander, and you both too.

Geves x

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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