After Anabelle

I had so many dreams for Anabelle, so many things I wanted to take her to and enjoy with her.  Water babies, music and rhyme time, ballet classes, gymnastics, piano/instrument lessons, rainbows, brownies. I had it all planned. Her life was going be rich and full of lovely experiences.  

Today we are expecting Alexander. I'm struggling to conjure up the same long term dreams for him as I had for Anabelle. I know I want to take him to water babies and rhyme time, I know I'd love him to play an instrument, maybe we can explore beavers and cubs. But beyond that I haven't got a clue, neither of us really do sport and I wouldn't be surprised if that rubs off on him. Daddy is a geek after all, not a footballer!

Jon wants him to be into science and experiments, or a petrol head; he's even boasted of his aspirations of Alexander being a F1 driver and wants to encourage him into motor sport from a young age. (Yes I'm rolling my eyes too!!) 

I knew how to be a little girl; I've no clue how to be a little boy! So what do your little boys enjoy? I want to fill Xander's life with lots of lovely experiences too.

It's time for new hopes and dreams, different to Anabelle, unique for him.  Bittersweet as always; letting go of my beautiful girls dreams and creating a little life for my son. 

We've been taking bump photographs again. This time taking the opportunity to celebrate our little boys name!  

The first thing we bought for Alexander after we found out he was a boy was this blue letter A.  Just like Jon had done in his lunch hour for Anabelle (only hers of course is pink!)  I love it. To me, their letter A's instantly celebrate their names, instantly identifies the little person inside my bump.  

I'm sure I've written in other posts that Alexander was so named because we wanted to find a new letter "A" name for our second child, giving them another special connection to their sister by sharing the same AM initials.  Alexander was also the only boys A name that we both loved enough to see ourselves with a little boy called it! 

Jon and I in both of our pregnancies have been notoriously bad at agreeing on boys names.  Girls names; not a problem, lots of agreeable ideas. Boys names; we have very different ideas. Or more to the point, I have lots of ideas, Jon says no to nearly them all but doesn't come up with any of his own!   

I've always enjoyed looking at the meanings of names. According to Gurgle the meaning and description of my name is 'Song of Happiness', Jon is 'Gift from God' (he'll love that!), Anabelle is 'Beautiful' (of course!) and Alexander is 'Protector of Mankind'. I've also read other places that his name means brave.  I'm sure he'll live up to the meanings of his name, I'm imagining him being a strong man, our Xander-Man, and after all his sister lives up to the meaning of hers! 

I wonder how many variations in spelling of Alexander/Xander we'll see over his journey?  

We've seen many for Anabelle. I knew as soon as she was named we'd chosen an unusual spelling. We actually carefully chose the spelling of her name because we wanted the focus of a short name to be Belle. Two 'n's looked too long and felt it took away from Belle then, and the other alternative spelling didn't leave us with the spelling Belle in the name at all, rather Bel which to us didn't look right either. 

So Anabelle she is. Frequently I see her name written with that extra 'n' though, and frequently I've heard myself spelling out her name as a matter of course when I've needed too. Our poor girl, if she was here, would've spent her life saying "Anabelle, that's one 'n', two 'l's and an 'e'! It's quite nice that I've been able to do that for her. (And something I've been used to doing my whole life with my maiden name; "that's Villars, V, I double L, A, R, S!") 

So far for Xander I've seen his short name spelt with a 'Z' instead of an 'X'.  I wonder how many other alternatives there will be?! 

Anyway, we've taken lots of photographs now. Already a beautiful collection of bump shots to remember this time with him and with 14 weeks still to go until I'm induced I'm sure there'll be plenty more yet.  And what I think is extra special about all these photographs; they've been taken by his Daddy. Next time, somehow, we'll try getting Daddy in some of them too! 

If and hopefully are two words that are frequent in my vocabulary at the moment. Usually contained in a sentence when talking about our growing little boy.  "If we bring Alexander home... when Xander is hopefully here... If Alexander doesn't die..."    

I've decided somehow I need to work on my PMA and at least pretend I believe he will come home, even if the constant anxieties and doubt are there, somehow the faith has to start shining through and I have to introduce when into my vocabulary. Because Alexander deserves this much from me.  

So this weekend it has been all about him. 

We've enjoyed a weekend full of progress. I intended to start the weekend with baby steps; to continue planning the redecoration of the nursery and his sleeping arrangements, but we've finished the weekend with a moses basket. Baby steps to a leap - our first 'big' purchase for him. 

I'm proud of us. Especially me, because I'm allowing myself to imagine the nursery as something different. I'm imagining and even daring to be a little bit excited for Alexander's beautiful room. We've picked the theme and I've been looking on ebay for ideas for those special finishing touches.  For those who know Jon, the theme is as you'd expect... Transport! Cars, trains, planes, boats. He wants his son to be a petrol head like him is appears!

The nursery is coming together in my head, I'm beginning to think of the details; blues and yellows with our white furniture. Transport decorations, fabrics and accessories. We're going to put a rainbow wall sticker above the cot, to celebrate our rainbow baby along with his beautiful name bunting. We've bought a star nightlight for the wall and plan the words "Love, like starlight, never dies" to be printed to go next to it, linking to his first book and hoping it will become as treasured to him as its become meaningful to us. Angel wings on the wall for Anabelle with her initials painted inbetween, a cushion decorated for them each on the nursing chair. Somehow bringing both of my children together in the nursery.

Thinking in this much details is progress made I think. All that is left to do on the journey of PMA is to really turn the ifs and hopefully into when. "When Alexander comes home... When Alexander is here..." 

If only I could really make myself believe it and send the fear on its way.   

Recently I've been introduced to a beautiful children's book by a lovely Mummy.  A book which has quite profoundly impacted on me.  It is a beautiful story written by Debi Gliori called 'No Matter What'. Small asks Large would he still love him in a multitude of situations and Large always replying he'll always love him no matter what.   The story finishes with Small asking what happens to love when we die;

 Small said, 'But what about when we're dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?'

'Still they shine in the evening skies, love, like starlight, never dies.'

This one little line has stuck with me since; love, like starlight, never dies.  How appropriate for our little family. Death has made no difference to the love we feel for Anabelle.   

We've bought this book for Alexander, his first story book. It arrived yesterday. I'm not going to wait to read it to him, because never reading to Anabelle as I'd planned to do before she was born is one of my biggest regrets. Alexander is awake at the moment and moving around, so as soon as I've finished this post we're having story time.

As Anabelle's first book (Guess How Much I Love You) expressed the expanse of our love to her, his book is going to do the same. Because above all else I want my children know how much they are loved. I hope the gentle reference to death and the stars helps him place his sister in his life and our family, and he'll truely know we'll always love him, and his sister, no matter what.  That love in our family is forever.

Some may feel is it morbid that our little boys first book references death. But the truth of it is, death, like love, is a constant in our family; a very important little persons existence in this family is through her life in us even in death. If that makes any sense; it does to me.

Right from day one I want to ensure Alexander feels a connection to his big sister, that he grows up with her there, and not as someone who is just a name. I don't want the elusive 'we'll have to tell him about her one day when he is older'. I don't want him to be told, I want her to just be part of his knowing, part of his family, someone who was only missing in body, not in spirit. Like a child knows who Mummy and Daddy are, I want him to just know who Anabelle is.

I've no idea how we really begin to achieve this appropriately. It is such a delicate situation. I would never want Alexander to feel he is only here because she isn't. We have to find a way of giving Anabelle her place in gentle and constant ways but never letting her outshine Alexander.  As their Mummy I need to show love to them both. How do we make sure our dead and (hopefully) living child feels they are equally loved and important? How do you bring up a sibling alongside and including a dead one?  How do we get the balance right between the two?  

How do we do 'family'? Another thing to think about in our incompleteness.

Remembering Sterre and Mummy Hannah who shared this story with me. A little star far too soon. 

Yesterday we went to collect this years paint colour brouchers from B&Q to start thinking about eventually painting the nursery a new boy colour. After a quick glance so far my favourite colour choice is Sky by Colour by B. Of course this is all subject to change when we put testers on the wall.  It was easy to go and collect the books; actually painting on top of my beautiful girls pink walls will be far more difficult. 

Just one of the difficult parts of this new (or not so new at 22 weeks!) pregnancy. 

See its not the coping with sickness, heartburn, aches and pains that is difficult at all. It is the parts the remind me this isn't our first baby. 

The substituting girl bits for boy bits is bittersweet. I love both of my children equally, I'm excited about our little boy and all the new things I can do for him, I'm exctied about all the lovely new things I can choose because he is a boy and needs boy things and cannot share everything that belongs to his sister. Alexander being a boy adds something to this pregnancy that we wouldn't have had if he'd been another girl. Our first son, that is something just as special as Anabelle being our first daughter. 

But because we live in a two bedroom house, preparing for Alexander means erasing parts of Anabelle. Yes she is included wherever possible and will have her part in their nursery, she will be there, Alexander will 'know' her. But we have to  sort out her clothes and put them in the attic, and then the biggy; we have to paint over the pretty pink walls in our nursery. And it will be forever gone. Forever gone just like Anabelle.   

As I said the other day these are the things we have to start thinking about and building ourselves up to. 

Being pregnant again is wonderful. It is also emotionally breaking. 

I absolutely loved everything about being pregnant with Anabelle. I embraced getting bigger and loved having a bump; it filled me with a confidence I had never had before.  Now don't get me wrong, I love being pregnant now, and I love watching Alexander grow, I'm trying to embrace my changing body in the same way I did with Anabelle - but this time my bump also scares me. The bigger he gets the more scared I'm becoming that I will lose him, because being big reminds me of being pregnant with Anabelle, all the joy of growing her and still carrying her for those five days after she died. Sometimes I catch sight of myself in the mirror and think wow, look at my little man bump, but sometimes it makes me think about Anabelle and her bump. 

I miss her bump, I love Alexander's bump. Emotionally torn. I can never have both of my babies. 

Then there is my milk; and I'm finding this the hardest. To the point its made me cry. 

I started spotting drops of colostrum at around 16 weeks with Alexander, but the last 3 weeks the spotting has turned into flow. After I take my bra off in the evening and put my pyjamas on it starts, and sometimes within minutes I need to change my top because I'm soaked through. Many mornings I've woken up to enormous wet patches over my support pillow and on our sheets where my boobs have been leaking throughout the night.  When I was pregnant with Anabelle I only ever spotted, there wasn't this flow. Not until she was born. 

So this flow is a sharp painful reminder of the weeks after Anabelle was born and my milk properly came in. The wet clothes, the wet bed, the full heavy feeling, the milk and no baby to feed. It feels almost the same now. All this 'milk' and he is not here yet. 

15 weeks to go our little man. Stay safe. 

It dawned on me today that I have absolutely no recollection of anything that happened last July.  I don't remember a single thing we did or anything that happened. OK so I know my friends got engaged exactly one month after Anabelle was born, but I don't really remember being told the news, and OK I remember my cousins wedding; well sort of. I was there in body at least. But I don't really remember anything in July. Thinking back draws one big blur. 

I know I was living in a state of bewilderment and shock, but it is like my mind has blocked out the raw pain as our lives fell to absolute pieces.  I remember June vividly; everything that happened, everything we did with Anabelle and for Anabelle, but post funeral, going into July. I'm drawing a blank. Our world stopped and a haze of constant pain and tears set in. 

Last July I was supposed to be heavily pregnant, on the last four week count down to meeting our daughter. When in actual fact by July she'd been born and buried for two weeks already. 

This July I am pregnant. Not as pregnant as I should've been last July of course, but today I'm 21+5 weeks with Alexander and I want to celebrate that.  I've never been pregnant in July before! 

This July I need to start really focusing my mind to Alexander.  Up until now I've just been pregnant, I've attended multiple hospital appointments and done that side of things, I've been getting bigger, (and bigger, and bigger!) I know I have another baby on the way; but our home is not prepared for him, not even at all close.

By now with Anabelle we'd bought her lots of stuff; Alexander has been bought hardly anything.  OK he has the little white bunny we bought from Hamley's when we were in London just days after finding out I was pregnant again, he has a blue letter A, one pack of rainbow babygros, a wall height canvas bought by us, a teddy bought by his Auntie and a cot bumper bought by Grampi and Gu.   But these are all small things, decorative more than functional items. 

I guess by now with Anabelle I believed she was really coming. I'd taken for granted she was coming home and in the thrill of having a baby I literally couldn't wait to buy her everything she could possibly need and more. The nursery is literally full to bursting of everything we'd bought preparing for Belle, a princess paradise. 

Today 21+5 weeks pregnant and I still cannot bring myself to really believe Alexander will come home. We hope, we pray that in just over 15 weeks from now, we will be induced, and he'll be born screaming and crying and beautiful.  But 15 weeks is a long time to go, and plenty of time for the worst to happen.    At 21+5 last time it didn't occur to me that Anabelle would be dead in just over 10 weeks from that point. Today that is all that occurs to me.  

Today, each day is a miracle and a little celebration that Alexander is still with us. 

But I know I have to start thinking like he is coming home. We have to start preparing for him instead of just growing him. What's more I want to start creating those special times with our son, the shopping trips, the choosing cute gorgeous things, because I want to do with him what I did with his sister.   So over the coming weeks we are going to have to make ourselves sort out the nursery, sort through Anabelle's things, decide what Alexander can also use, decide what needs to be bought for our boy. We are going to have to go through the painful process of putting her pink and girly things away and turn the nursery into our little man's pad instead. A room we've avoided for the main for the last 12 months. 

I really wish we had a 3rd room we could decorate and love just for him. But in the absence of a 3rd room, Alexander deserves the equal love and attention to detail we put into preparing for his sister in the room they will share. 

So this July, I'm going to start being more attentive to our little boy...  after all 3 and a half months from now, I pray hard he will be here. 

Well we survived June; the second longest and hardest June of our lives.

Another June full of the highs of finding out Bow is Alexander, marking our beautiful Anabelle's 1st birthday with smiles as well as the tears and raising an immense amount of money and still counting for Sands. And crippling lows, the year markers, the pain, the reliving what happened and grieving for what should've been.

But here on July the 1st we are.  

June has really taken it out of us, to be honest it has felt never-ending, the longest month to survive this year. As a result both Jon and I have started July on a course of antibiotics each; Jon has had tonsillitis and has been particularly rough all week, I've got a water infection and a bladder and uterus that feels completely irritated and uncomfortable at the moment.  To be honest emotionally and physically we're both shattered.

What now then?  What is in store for us now all the "firsts" have finished?  

What will be expected of us now we've done all these all important "first" times?  I've been told time and again it is easier going through all the memories, triggers and anniversaries a second time, the worst year is the first year.  Sure I fully imagine the 'easier' aspect will be knowing what to expect from these moments and days, but then again we've learnt this year that grief hits in ways unexpected.   Maybe year two is going to set off a whole new set of triggers, yet more new moments to grieve.

Will we just be expected to cope better now because we've 'done it all before' ?

I'm feeling a massive sense of unknown tonight and a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach again; it is that 'foreverness' resurfacing once more. Another new month without Anabelle joined with the constant fear for her brother.

Here we go then year two...