After Anabelle

If and hopefully are two words that are frequent in my vocabulary at the moment. Usually contained in a sentence when talking about our growing little boy.  "If we bring Alexander home... when Xander is hopefully here... If Alexander doesn't die..."    

I've decided somehow I need to work on my PMA and at least pretend I believe he will come home, even if the constant anxieties and doubt are there, somehow the faith has to start shining through and I have to introduce when into my vocabulary. Because Alexander deserves this much from me.  

So this weekend it has been all about him. 

We've enjoyed a weekend full of progress. I intended to start the weekend with baby steps; to continue planning the redecoration of the nursery and his sleeping arrangements, but we've finished the weekend with a moses basket. Baby steps to a leap - our first 'big' purchase for him. 

I'm proud of us. Especially me, because I'm allowing myself to imagine the nursery as something different. I'm imagining and even daring to be a little bit excited for Alexander's beautiful room. We've picked the theme and I've been looking on ebay for ideas for those special finishing touches.  For those who know Jon, the theme is as you'd expect... Transport! Cars, trains, planes, boats. He wants his son to be a petrol head like him is appears!

The nursery is coming together in my head, I'm beginning to think of the details; blues and yellows with our white furniture. Transport decorations, fabrics and accessories. We're going to put a rainbow wall sticker above the cot, to celebrate our rainbow baby along with his beautiful name bunting. We've bought a star nightlight for the wall and plan the words "Love, like starlight, never dies" to be printed to go next to it, linking to his first book and hoping it will become as treasured to him as its become meaningful to us. Angel wings on the wall for Anabelle with her initials painted inbetween, a cushion decorated for them each on the nursing chair. Somehow bringing both of my children together in the nursery.

Thinking in this much details is progress made I think. All that is left to do on the journey of PMA is to really turn the ifs and hopefully into when. "When Alexander comes home... When Alexander is here..." 

If only I could really make myself believe it and send the fear on its way.