Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 3 July 2011

Haze and Days

It dawned on me today that I have absolutely no recollection of anything that happened last July.  I don't remember a single thing we did or anything that happened. OK so I know my friends got engaged exactly one month after Anabelle was born, but I don't really remember being told the news, and OK I remember my cousins wedding; well sort of. I was there in body at least. But I don't really remember anything in July. Thinking back draws one big blur. 

I know I was living in a state of bewilderment and shock, but it is like my mind has blocked out the raw pain as our lives fell to absolute pieces.  I remember June vividly; everything that happened, everything we did with Anabelle and for Anabelle, but post funeral, going into July. I'm drawing a blank. Our world stopped and a haze of constant pain and tears set in. 

Last July I was supposed to be heavily pregnant, on the last four week count down to meeting our daughter. When in actual fact by July she'd been born and buried for two weeks already. 

Mummy and not so little Xander bump!
21+5 weeks, 03.07.11
This July I am pregnant. Not as pregnant as I should've been last July of course, but today I'm 21+5 weeks with Alexander and I want to celebrate that.  I've never been pregnant in July before! 

This July I need to start really focusing my mind to Alexander.  Up until now I've just been pregnant, I've attended multiple hospital appointments and done that side of things, I've been getting bigger, (and bigger, and bigger!) I know I have another baby on the way; but our home is not prepared for him, not even at all close.

By now with Anabelle we'd bought her lots of stuff; Alexander has been bought hardly anything.  OK he has the little white bunny we bought from Hamley's when we were in London just days after finding out I was pregnant again, he has a blue letter A, one pack of rainbow babygros, a wall height canvas bought by us, a teddy bought by his Auntie and a cot bumper bought by Grampi and Gu.   But these are all small things, decorative more than functional items. 

I guess by now with Anabelle I believed she was really coming. I'd taken for granted she was coming home and in the thrill of having a baby I literally couldn't wait to buy her everything she could possibly need and more. The nursery is literally full to bursting of everything we'd bought preparing for Belle, a princess paradise. 

Today 21+5 weeks pregnant and I still cannot bring myself to really believe Alexander will come home. We hope, we pray that in just over 15 weeks from now, we will be induced, and he'll be born screaming and crying and beautiful.  But 15 weeks is a long time to go, and plenty of time for the worst to happen.    At 21+5 last time it didn't occur to me that Anabelle would be dead in just over 10 weeks from that point. Today that is all that occurs to me.  

Today, each day is a miracle and a little celebration that Alexander is still with us. 

But I know I have to start thinking like he is coming home. We have to start preparing for him instead of just growing him. What's more I want to start creating those special times with our son, the shopping trips, the choosing cute gorgeous things, because I want to do with him what I did with his sister.   So over the coming weeks we are going to have to make ourselves sort out the nursery, sort through Anabelle's things, decide what Alexander can also use, decide what needs to be bought for our boy. We are going to have to go through the painful process of putting her pink and girly things away and turn the nursery into our little man's pad instead. A room we've avoided for the main for the last 12 months. 

I really wish we had a 3rd room we could decorate and love just for him. But in the absence of a 3rd room, Alexander deserves the equal love and attention to detail we put into preparing for his sister in the room they will share. 

So this July, I'm going to start being more attentive to our little boy...  after all 3 and a half months from now, I pray hard he will be here. 


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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