Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Being Pregnant

Yesterday we went to collect this years paint colour brouchers from B&Q to start thinking about eventually painting the nursery a new boy colour. After a quick glance so far my favourite colour choice is Sky by Colour by B. Of course this is all subject to change when we put testers on the wall.  It was easy to go and collect the books; actually painting on top of my beautiful girls pink walls will be far more difficult. 

Just one of the difficult parts of this new (or not so new at 22 weeks!) pregnancy. 

See its not the coping with sickness, heartburn, aches and pains that is difficult at all. It is the parts the remind me this isn't our first baby. 

The substituting girl bits for boy bits is bittersweet. I love both of my children equally, I'm excited about our little boy and all the new things I can do for him, I'm exctied about all the lovely new things I can choose because he is a boy and needs boy things and cannot share everything that belongs to his sister. Alexander being a boy adds something to this pregnancy that we wouldn't have had if he'd been another girl. Our first son, that is something just as special as Anabelle being our first daughter. 

But because we live in a two bedroom house, preparing for Alexander means erasing parts of Anabelle. Yes she is included wherever possible and will have her part in their nursery, she will be there, Alexander will 'know' her. But we have to  sort out her clothes and put them in the attic, and then the biggy; we have to paint over the pretty pink walls in our nursery. And it will be forever gone. Forever gone just like Anabelle.   

As I said the other day these are the things we have to start thinking about and building ourselves up to. 

Being pregnant again is wonderful. It is also emotionally breaking. 

I absolutely loved everything about being pregnant with Anabelle. I embraced getting bigger and loved having a bump; it filled me with a confidence I had never had before.  Now don't get me wrong, I love being pregnant now, and I love watching Alexander grow, I'm trying to embrace my changing body in the same way I did with Anabelle - but this time my bump also scares me. The bigger he gets the more scared I'm becoming that I will lose him, because being big reminds me of being pregnant with Anabelle, all the joy of growing her and still carrying her for those five days after she died. Sometimes I catch sight of myself in the mirror and think wow, look at my little man bump, but sometimes it makes me think about Anabelle and her bump. 

I miss her bump, I love Alexander's bump. Emotionally torn. I can never have both of my babies. 

Then there is my milk; and I'm finding this the hardest. To the point its made me cry. 

I started spotting drops of colostrum at around 16 weeks with Alexander, but the last 3 weeks the spotting has turned into flow. After I take my bra off in the evening and put my pyjamas on it starts, and sometimes within minutes I need to change my top because I'm soaked through. Many mornings I've woken up to enormous wet patches over my support pillow and on our sheets where my boobs have been leaking throughout the night.  When I was pregnant with Anabelle I only ever spotted, there wasn't this flow. Not until she was born. 

So this flow is a sharp painful reminder of the weeks after Anabelle was born and my milk properly came in. The wet clothes, the wet bed, the full heavy feeling, the milk and no baby to feed. It feels almost the same now. All this 'milk' and he is not here yet. 

15 weeks to go our little man. Stay safe. 


My New Normal said...

I can understand why you feel the way you do. I don't have all the answers but I do know this. Annabelle will never feel like you're replacing her. She wants you to do all the things for Alexander that you are doing. She will welcome him into your home and you family just as much as you do. She's his big sister and she loves him.

So try and go easier on yourself,,, I know that she is.

The mum of all trades said...

This post was very moving. I hope that everything goes well for you.I have just found your blog, so off to have a good read around it now.

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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