After Anabelle

This week we celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary. Back in February we booked to stay overnight in a medieval glamping tent for part of our celebrations and so this week had to become Knights and Castles week and I have to say it has been epic! 

Monday 

Kicking the week off using our Cardiff Castle keys. (People who live or work in Cardiff can have 'keys' which allow them access to the castle for three years at only the cost of £6.00 per family member over the age of five - which is a spectacular discount considering the usual entry costs to the castle! This has been a great perk of Jon working in Cardiff!) 

We've visited the castle a number of times over the last few years now but each visit still manages to be a little bit different from the last. Today was a day doing the castle family trail, counting how many flags were flying the castle walls, being brave delving through the noisy war tunnels, picnicking on the lawn, running around the grounds chasing bird shadows, looking over the walls in the turrets, climbing the keep (which was me freaking out trying to get the three of them safely single handedly up and down the sheer almost vertical steep steps!), and exploring different areas of the castle. 

Then of course finishing the day with a visit to the Lego shop and catching the park and ride bus back to the car. 

Tuesday

A very rainy home day although not as stormy as maybe had been predicted. We spent the day being creative and turning ourselves into life-size knights. Once again Xander's memory was amazing when he announced we had done this before but had turned ourselves into pirates that time - an activity we did two years ago!  I was especially impressed with Zac's creativity as he drew different features to complete his knight. He is definitely the most carefully creative of the three with very definite ideas! 

Wednesday 

Lucas's last day in baby nursery and the last 'big boy' Wednesday as we know it! We visited Caldicot Castle and bumped into an old work friend. We ended up spending a lovely hour or so together and the boys really enjoyed playing with her little one too! The best bit was that he really knew his way around the castle so my boys loved chasing him around discovering turrets and towers.  I had no idea before this visit that Caldicot Castle is free to enter and has huge park grounds and a playground all around it too - which we didn't have time to explore today so we'll definitely be back down!

Thursday and Friday 

We've been married ten years! This anniversary feels like such a significant milestone and I'll do another blog on that at some point. In the hazy days before kids when I was much more naive I imagined that this anniversary would be spent back in St Lucia where we honeymooned, doing some sort of vow renewal and sharing it all with the kids! But of course, when I priced that up for a family of five for even just seven days the costs spiralled into the many multiple multiple thousands. So that idea was knocked on the head and instead we decided to book Warwick Castle for a medieval glamping stay! I know that is quite a contrast in holiday ideas! Haha! 

I have to say it turned into one of the more expensive overnight stays we've ever done anywhere with all the extras we ended up paying after we arrived (swords for knight school at £8.95 each, 1:1 Falconry experience at £7.50 each, the boys dressed as little princes photo, then buying our Coat of Arms as an anniversary gift to ourselves too, the cost of dinner and drinks etc) but the entire experience was totally worth it. We thoroughly enjoyed the castle, climbing to the top of what felt like a never-ending tall tower, a castle tour, the knightly experiences, battles and knight school, jousting show (Luc enjoyed it so much he asked to go and see the 'horses on the sand' on the second day too!), falconry show, princess tower stories, horrible histories maze, archery... and the medieval themed tent in the Knight's Village. I just loved it and everyone got so much out of our stay! Somewhere to go again when they're older! 

Saturday and Sunday 

The boys stayed with Nana and Bampi and we took ourselves off to London to continue anniversary celebrations. We love a London stay and it felt like a real treat of an adult weekend; afternoon tea at the Globe, spontaneously booking a show (The Book of Mormon - exceeded my expectations, lots of laughs, although not for the easily offended!) at a theatre while eating afternoon tea, spending time in Covent Garden and Leicester Square, dinner and a lie in at the hotel, then transport museum and a bit of time on Oxford Street. Such a lovely two days and actually really nice to just be the two of us for a little while. 

So knights and castle's was only a short week but definitely a jammed packed Monday to Friday kind of week! So, Week 3 (already!!!) and we're exploring Dragons - which incidentally has taken us to another castle at the request of the children today!   

It is that time of year again! 

Six weeks of summer! 

I know lots of people think I'm absolutely crazy with all my summer themes but we really do love it! Each week is new and exciting with a bank of ideas to pull from.  Would you be surprised to know I've already got ideas buzzing around for next years themes too?! Haha!  

So a little bit like a diary entry, my little space is going to be where I record the 2019 instalment of our SWOS! 

What I've already loved this year is that Xander took this first week down a completely new turn with his own ideas and I blew it up and went with it! 

But one week over already! Argh! 

Monday we were still celebrating Lucas's birthday so our Week 1 theme didn't start until Tuesday. It was quite an ironic week for Frozen Fever to be honest, because it was the hottest week of the year so  far - blistering temperatures in some parts of the country and a toasty 28-30 degrees here for us!  But the benefits of Frozen week was lots of ice and water play to cool us down! 

Tuesday started with watching Frozen Fever, just in time as it happens because just as the credits rolled our TV was collect and taken away for repair!   The boys listened to Vivaldi Winter and used Lego to create frozen winter style castles for their Anna and Elsa mini-figs.  Later on the in the day we melted Elsa's style frozen hands that I had pre-filled with sparkly treasures, glitter and frozen the night before.

Xander estimated how long he thought they would take to melt; first guess was 10 minutes, second guess was 28 minutes and his final guess was 60 minutes. It took 55 minutes of playing with the icy hands for them to melt completely so his third estimation was pretty spot on!  Then he finished by pouring the icy cold water all over his head! Haha! And we enjoyed a lovely water fight to cool down to finish our day.

The first of our two only big boy Wednesday's this year because next Wednesday is Lucas's last day at baby nursery before he starts big boy nursery in September at school.   Our friends joined us for a day of Ice Skating fun - because where else could we go for a Big Boy day out on Frozen week. 

We were all a bit apprehensive about it and we didn't really know how it was going to go! I was fully expecting it to either go one of two ways and desperately hoping that no-one was going to break any bones! Luckily for us, other than a few moments here and there when the younger boys needed a little rest, the kids totally embraced it, got their confidence and had a blast on the ice!

The day was a success and Xander and Zac even had a little go at starting to skate and stand up on the ice without holding on to anything.    We finished off our day trip with a play on the sand at Cardiff Bay Beach and some ice-cream before going home. 

A messy play tuff spot kind of day!  Shaving foam, sparkles and paint ice-cubes. It was delightful and totally deserves a before and after picture of the messy the boys created; look at those marks and patterns. Well I say boys, Lucas gave the tray a cursory poke with his hand and nudge with foot but otherwise shouted at me to get it off him everytime too much shaving foam was on his body! Haha!

Xander got stuck right in - he was covered head to toe by the time he had finished and Zachy got himself right in there too.  I love that although Xander is almost eight and on the verge of starting junior school he still gets so much joy out of sensory messy foundation play!   

Today we discovered the stories of The Snow Queen and The Snowman and the boys got create in the tuff spot. A little less messy this time but instead using playdough and other bits and pieces to create their own playdough interpretations of Olaf the snowman, the snow queen and Elsa.  

Saturday

And this is where things got really interesting! Haha! Earlier on in the week I had printed the boys some colouring sheets of their choice to do with winter, frozen life, cold countries etc. Zac chose Elsa pictures, or course. But Xander took us down a festive route because to him Winter meant Christmas. So even though celebrating Christmas in July had not been one of my original Frozen Fever week intentions, we embraced it and celebrated Christmas in July.

Our friends came over to join us and we had BBQ (Aussie style Christmas?!), with Christmas music, the boys wore Christmas clothes, they played with instant messy play snow, the mini Christmas tree was put up in the garden and I even made crackers the night before for the occasion including a mini gift, party hat and Christmas joke inside for the boys. Oh and we watched the Grinch too! 

Finished with a quiet day to end the week and a family film night watching Small Foot.  Of course over the week we have also watched lots of other winter / snow themed films including the big one of course; Frozen! 

A week where the home days have outweighed the out and about days but we've got good use out of the tuff spot. We loved it!   Exciting times ahead for Week 2 including a very exciting overnight stay number one and another overnight stay (adults only) number two! Frozen Fever finished and Knights and Castles beginning! 

Look at me being all prompt with an update! Which is totally going against my current track record of at least six weeks post age-milestone! Haha! 

It is now a week since our Little Lucas turned THREE! 

Three, mind! His babyhood totally hurtling away from us and just weeks off him starting in the Nursery class at the boys school. The littlest is going into uniform.  I don't feel very prepared for this next stage at all and to be honest I'm kind of burying my head in the sand about it for a few more weeks too; even though I should be organising what uniform he (and they all) need for the next year! 

We're almost at the complete closure of a chapter of our lives; the baby chapter.  For now I'm going to say we're at part-closure, just to soften the blow!  We can probably edge it out another 12 months, right, what with him only being part-time school?!  But after that. All three boys will be school aged children which feels quite frightening indeed! 

This Little one is just flying. Six months of achieving all kinds of milestones; no-more dummy, into a big boy bed, no-more day nappies (and to be honest he is dry at night too now so he doesn't even really need those anymore either!), becoming more and more articulate by the day with his complete sentences, exploding vocabulary and increasingly good grammatical use of language. 

It is fair, I suppose, when he shouts at us - 'I NOT a BABY, I a BIG BOY!' 

My BABY Lucas. I cannot believe you are three!   I know you completely disagree with me that you are a baby, but Mummy is going to cling onto that for just a little bit longer. Our baby one.  

At three you are 94.5cm tall which meant Mummy got her wish of you still being little enough to get into Peppa Pig World for free for our big summer adventure at the start of July! But somehow you feel so tall now.  You rarely look out of place in the thick of it with your brothers now, keeping up with them playing big boy games, playing rough and tumble or imaginary character games alongside them.  They still call you their baby, of course, but all of a sudden you are well and truly part of their games too, which must mean that they get that you are growing up!  You continue to idolise your brothers, especially Xander who has the most patience and time for you and utterly spoils you, giving in to your endless toddler demands. 

As well as demands (which have increased recently because I'm pretty sure you've decided you are going to be a Threenager and not so much a terrible two), you still have all your toddler cuteness. Until recently everything has been 'My' instead of 'I' which has been totally adorable, its quite emotional that you've started to correct yourself in the run up to three. Cuteness in making sure you are called by your proper title; full name introductions of course whenever someone asks you your name its Lucas Elias Morgan. Telling us off every time we get your name wrong because I'm often guilty of calling you Zac; "My NOT Zachy, my Luc". 

These last six months have been amazing. Full of Mummy and you adventures that I have enjoyed so very very much. You have too... trampolining, the garden centre, a train ride, the farm (more than once!), Cardiff, the cinema, the aquarium,  swimming, Gruffalo Woods, the seaside, Peppa Pig World, the zoo and more I'm sure I've forgotten to list. 

I'm so sad that this year is coming to an end and that in September I have to give you part-time to school. Yes, we'll squeeze in another two days before you start mid-week on that first week, and I'm sure we'll go on a short afternoon adventures from time to time... (might've booked Dear Zoo at the theatre for the end of September today, haha!)  But I also know that it won't quite be the same because afternoons will mean more clock-watching for the next school run and you will inevitably be tired in the afternoons after a busy morning in school.  Ah you are growing up! 

So much growing up. Six months of many milestones; you gave up your Dee-dee (not long after your half birthday infact), you stopped having your bedtime bottle in April, you moved into you Big Boy bed in May and potty-trained in June. And each step of the way you've been a superstar.   Potty training was especially impressive; I mean I had worked myself up to it, considering what a disaster Xander had been and hard-work Zac had still felt. And we played about for ten days at the start of June while Mummy felt unwell... and then we started properly... and in three days, yes three days (!) you were done! We've only had two accidents since. Your overnight pull-up is dry each morning too, so before long I'm sure we'll feel more brave to give those up as well.   You've absolutely blown me away with it all to be honest! 

Lots of growing up but still seeming so small in many ways too. The way you've got into the habit of sneaking into my bed and snuggling up so close to me and under my chin in the early morning, the way you still curl up on your tummy and tuck your arms underneath you to go to sleep, the way you are Mama's boy!  You are still so possessive over your Mama and continue to tell Xander, Zac or Daddy off if they are anywhere near me with a "My MUMMY" protest.   But I love being your Mummy. I love, that for now, I am still number one in your life.   Your Mummy, my baby. 

At three your favourite colour is orange, you love to play in the garden and be outside, you love playing with a ball, doing puzzles and playing with train tracks and little vehicles.  You have such a good kick and throw and seem pretty good at direction too, back and forth it goes; you are in your element when your Daddy plays kick the ball with you! 

You've become more and more aware of superheroes and they're pretty much some of your favourite things now too. Your favourites being Hulk and Iron Man. You've done some gorgeous Hulk Smash impressions over recent months, you pull the best Hulk face but we do sometimes need to remind you to play with gentle hands.   So it goes without saying that you enjoy watching Lego Avengers on the TV (some big brother influence right there!), along with still Peppa Pig, Hey Duggee and Little Baby Bum.  

You've even got favourite songs now; not all of which I should be proud of considering one of the ones you sing along to in the car is 'Sweet But Psycho' haha, but we've also listened to Never Smile At A Crocodile on endless repeat, Shotgun and We Will Rock You.   You can be quite insistent what you want to listen to when we are in the car and sing along beautifully from the back seat too! 

Visiting Disneyland Paris is definitely right up there of happy memories since your half birthday too. You had a blast; meeting Donald Duck, seeing the superheroes and Hulk, the rides, the fireworks. Still three months later you frequently mention Disneyland and that you went to Disneyland. The biggest adventure of this year of all! 

I'm still pretty flabbergasted you are three now. It is just so big! We've already had your settling in session at Nursery and in less than six weeks you'll go to school each morning just like your brothers. In a little uniform! Ahhh! You're going to love it, I know. You couldn't have been more excited to be allowed to play with the diggers you are ushered past each morning when we drop Xander to class. You seemed so at home already on just that visit. I'm sure you're going to thrive. But once again change is coming. Next week is your last week at Acorns Nursery where you've been for more than two years, and I've been dropping my babies off for almost seven. Then September, you'll start school nursery and our childminder friend is going to start looking after you too!  More adventures for you my boy. 

Your birthday has been extended and amazing, celebrating with an early birthday trip to the Wild Place zoo, a trip to the Lego shop with Daddy, your tea party, your day trip party to Mountain Ranch for the Gruffalo hunt, your first feature length film at the cinema watching Toy Story 4 and then completed with a day trip to Chessington World of Adventures for more Gruffalo / Julia Donaldson themed fun!  The Gruffalo ride you insisted on going on twice and would've gone on a third time if we hadn't run out of time! To say I was exhausted after all of that plus the end of the school year madness was an understatement; but I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

So much celebration for our youngest boy. Our Little. 

Now I better put on my big girl pants and get ready for you doing even more grown up boy things! Ahhhh its time for your Nursery year at school! I really do wish time would slow down, just a bit!  But first let us thoroughly enjoy this six weeks of summer and another two sneaky adventures to plan too. 

You are so completely perfect and 

complete this family so perfectly.   

You're adored by us all baby Luc.  Loved endlessly and always.

Mummy and Daddy (and your brothers) xXx 

Yet another long overdue entry. 

Zac's half birthday was actually a month and a half ago already yet once again the weeks have just flown by before I've found a moment to sit and take stock. 

Unfortunately for Zac his half birthday falls on top of report writing time, and then assessment and evidence gather time, and then in amongst all of that is of course Belle's birthday. Such an intense time of year. And here we are, mid-July, while I still feel like I'm chasing my tail to close the academic year and another birthday with Luc turning three in a week almost upon us. 

Will there ever be enough hours in the day again?! 

So tonight I've switched off from work and anything else I could also be doing and I'm going to take the time to reflect on my wonderful five and half year old Zachary. Because the years are short and I've no idea where they go. 

My Zachary. Five and a half already. 

Recently I've been having so much 'middle' child guilt. Worrying that we're so busy with all of the older child firsts that are inevitable vs. the youngest child's last firsts and slightly more demanding needs -  that somehow you just coast along in the middle.  I work so hard to treat you all equally, to shower you all in equal attention, but still I worry that you don't always feature as much. 

So tonight you're featuring! 

My beautiful boy.  Your birthday seems so long ago yet only a few days ago all at the same time. Six months (ok, if I'm honest at this stage, seven and a half months) packed full of growing up, adventures, change. 

You changing. Definitely growing. 

Still my Small, but maybe no quite so. I was surprised to measure you recently to discover you were now 106cm tall. You've grown 3.5cm since your birthday - 1.5cm of that between April to now. Catching up to your big brother at a similar age (he was 107.5cm at five and half). You've definitely been having a growth spurt.  But still so tiny really. Of slight build and petite. At five and a half you still wear many 3-4 clothes, especially tops. And for what you need 4-5 in for length poor Nana has to take in at the waist!  We're almost at the stage now where you and Lucas could share a wardrobe of tops - infact there are some 3-4 now going in to his wardrobe as there are still half in yours!  I wonder if there will be a time when he'll overtake you? 

Back in January we took you for your first eye test and we were very surprised to find out that you needed glasses. Well I say surprised, I kind of always expected one of you boys at least to need glasses - what with me being short-sighted. But what surprised me that the reason you needed glass was not because of distance vision, but because you have astigmatism in both eyes. Rugby ball shaped eyes. We don't know yet if you'll always need glasses but we're due back at the optician soon to see how you're doing. Glasses really really suite you - exceptionally cute and my little mini me. So much so you look quite strange now when you are not wearing them!

My little boy who says the funniest things. Nuggets of insisting on calling your old swimming teacher Crisp instead of Chris, laughing at Bampi on Christmas day when he asked you what your address is; replying that you didn't have a dress, your wore a t-shirt. Laughing with your great-Uncle when he pretended that he couldn't count to ten and you tried to teach him how. 

We've since moved you swimming lessons. Four months ago now, but you still tell me you miss Crisp sometimes. We thought you were ready for the structure of 'grown up' lessons in the same centre as Xander. You're into your 3rd term of Wave 1 now. My lovely boy, you take so long to settle into new situations. You are dealing with the disappointment of not achieving your medal quite yet and we're working really hard on all your Self-Believing Sam and Persevering Poppy. We know you can do it Zac, and each week now you tell me that you have had a go at swimming without a belt. Your new teacher, Sian, says you are so nearly there. I bet you'll have that Wave 1 medal before you know it. 

You are still my little wild one. Excitable and silly and loud. What a lovely infectious sense of humour you have. I love how you giggle just because you are running or jumping around. A love of pulling big wide-eyed faces at the moment and the most engaging beaming smile when you are lost in a moment you are enjoying. My Small boy who just radiates joy. 

You can still be a little bit Jekyll and Hyde sometimes. Your strong "flight" response is still there,  my sensitive one, sudden anxiety or other intense emotions bring you so quick to tears in lots of situations. Your grumpiness can still be as extreme as your happiness.  But, you've so visibly matured this year at school! Learning to navigate your own emotions in the mix of the emotions of others.  

Your end of Reception year report was glowing. "A pleasant and happy boy... coping with change and has grown in confidence throughout the year... caring and considerate to others... inquisitive and enjoys a challenge... always tries his best..."

This year at school I think one of your favourite things have been learning to read. Each week you have been so excited to bring home your next reading book and so eager to sit with me and read it through. Reading seems to be coming so easily to you. At the moment you are on Level 3, and I think soon ready for Level 4. You are already getting so independent at figuring words out for yourself and so increasingly fluent. The last few books home from school you have read cover to cover with no support at all. 

I'm just so proud of you Zachy!  I was so anxious and worried about your move into Reception,  were you really ready for the demands on school... but you have flourished at every step of the way. 

If I especially think of the difference in sports day in Nursery and sports day this year. Oh my. You participated, you enjoyed yourself, You even won a race. Ok there was a wobble towards the end, but a world away from the anxious little boy who sobbed through Nursery sports day and found the whole experience so painful. 

This year, all of Reception, you have shone my boy!

At five and a half your still favourite things are Disney Princesses, castles, drawing and Lego.  So of course you spend much of your time combining them all, building castles with Lego for your Lego Disney Princess to live in. Or drawing castles and princess. Or  just drawing. Your beautiful detailed drawings are just wonderful and your writing is so neat and careful. You've made it your mission to collect every Lego Princess set and I know you currently have your eyes on the Cinderella castle set, Jasmine's castle set and Ariels boat!  Ironically, in amongst this you decided pink is no longer your favourite colour but instead you favour red! 

I adore, that even though you are getting older now, and even though you can be so sensitive to others reactions, that you still are oblivious to gender stereotyping. You love what you love whether it be superheroes or princesses and that is one of my very favourite things about you. You are just so uninfluenced and you. 

So of course you had the time of your life at Disneyland at Easter! The beaming joy on your face as you met some of the princesses was something gorgeous. Your utter delight with your five minutes with Rapunzal after we queued for an hour and twenty minutes moved me to a tear. You totally and utterly believed they were the real thing, that Rapunzal was the real Rapunzal and it absolutely made your day!    I think these will always be some of my favourite memories with you. 

Ah Zachy. You are so keen to be six now. So desperate for your Mummy, Daddy and Zachy only trip to London that will mean. I have so many special plans for this next birthday, but my boy I'm not ready for you to be so grown up! It is unbelievable to me that you are about to go in to Year 1! Each year seems to go by faster and each birthday seems to be closer to the last. 

Now we have six weeks of summer to look forward to, more adventures and I expect much more growing up change on the way to November. Only four and half months until another update is due. 

We love you so completely and endlessly.

Our middle sized boy. 

Mummy and Daddy xXx 

I've spent this weekend feeling utterly exhausted. Bone-achingly, everything just hurts, zero energy, zero motivation, tired. I'm not feeling quite well. Nauseous. The post-birthday recovery.

The build up is long, the day feels short and then the recovery.   

Saturday I slept in to 8.30am and then was back in bed at 1.00pm. Yesterday I was up at 6.30am but back in bed at 9.00am for two more hours, and then later had another nap in the afternoon at 5.00pm for another two and a half hours. Sleeping. And I've needed it. 

That's not to say we've done nothing. The boys have played in the garden this weekend, washing has been done, we went for a walk with the boys on their bikes, we went to my parents for dinner. But there has been lots of sleeping in-between all of that. 

Today I had hoped I would be snapping out of it but the exhausted and nauseous feelings have remained. I even had to close my eyes earlier for an attempted a forty wink sofa doze earlier while the boys were watching My Little Pony all sat around me after school. Something which I rarely to never do.

I feel a bit like I'm in a daze I guess. It is like walking through treacle.  Anabelle's birthday, June, so physically takes it out of me.  If I'm totally honest I'm ready to feel better now. Its been a very long month so far.

Our baby Anabelle. On Friday you turned NINE. What a ridiculously grown up number! 

Nine. 

A few months ago we spent the day with extended friends. Their little girl is almost exactly the same age as you, although we hadn't known that before then. A passing comment that she was going to turn 9 in June led us to ask what her birthday was. The 23rd. Just two days younger than you. In all these years I don't think we have ever met another girl so close to your age. Two days apart. Two very different stories. 

It was a shocking realisation for us just how big you would be now. Tall, slender, long-limbed. Almost looking like a young lady rather than a little girl at all. Seeing her towering over your brothers, even Xander who is only 16 months younger, was surreal; I wish I could imagine. So that is what it might be like if you were here. 

But I find it so hard to picture you as anything other than the 4lb 5oz tiny baby you were. 

Nine. 

This June has been particularly rubbish weather-wise. But once again, after almost three solid weeks of rain (or so it has felt like), your birthday was glorious. Another beautiful sunny day, for your day, the longest day. 

This year, for maybe for the first time truly for the entire day, it didn't feel like your birthday was running away with me, or that I was running out of time. Maybe I've learnt what will be too much or too many things to try and complete in a day. 

Or maybe I've finally learnt to not forget to breathe on your birthday. 

To breathe and slow down, Mama. 

We saw your birthday in as we always do. 00:08. That moment stuck in time when you arrived. Oh those eight minutes after midnight seem to take so long to pass. Just as the time between the contraction a little before midnight on the 20th June 2010 and the one that saw you arrive on 21st June 2010... those minutes after midnight seemed endless too. And then that moment, 00.08, that minute gone in a blink on an eye. 


We started the day by making the beginnings of prettying up the front patch by the front door. Zac had chosen a metal 'Princess Belle' rose for your birthday and your biggest fairy of the day was given its new home on the wishing well.  This year your birthday was Fairy themed. 

Choosing a theme never gets any easier. Neither does visiting the garden centre for garden ornament style presents.  It makes me so angry. This year it was fairies and your brothers each chose a fairy for your garden for you; Xander a green one, Zac a pink one and Lucas a purple one. We bought  a beautiful pink fairy handbag house for them to live in.   




We went for breakfast after dropping Brother 1 and Brother 2 to school. As seems to have become our tradition these last couple of years. Belle's Birthday Breakfast.  Lucas enjoyed being able to open the presents you had been given by other people; thoughtful friends aware of this years theme and buying something so lovely for your brothers to play with for you... a little playmobile fairy set. Lucas has of course commandeered this as his because he was the one who got to unwrap it, much to Zachy's disgust! 

We breakfasted and bought last minute bits. More double sided tape and ribbon so I could finish the fairy wings I had made for later on in the day. We bought your balloon. We visited the garden centre again and bought some more flowers to go out the front, to go with the ones another friend had bought you for your birthday. We collected your birthday flowers from the florist.  We went home. Daddy built a bug house with Lucas and I planted your home garden flowers. 

Then we collected your brothers from school and went to your garden for your fairy party. Your garden was so overgrown when we arrived after school on Friday. It looked shocking. I couldn't decorate it like that; but neither did I have the right tools for the job with me.  Complications I know would you have sent me spiral only a year or two ago, I met with a surprising level of calmness.  I phoned your Bampi and calmly waited. Not feeling like time was running out, not panicking because there was a delay in proceedings. Being flexible with the plan and letting your brothers play with bubbles while we waited for Bampi to come with some shears. 

So the garden was sheared, we decorated it, each of your brothers helped to put flowers in the pot and give the fairies their spots on your headstone.  We threw fairy wishes dust and made it all sparkle and glittery, we blew bubbles. Your brothers played and played for nearly three hours. It is the longest time we have spent in your garden in such a long time.  




I had made fairy wings for your brothers to decorate. Cardboard cut out fairy wings with double sided tape that they could decorate with nature / flowers / leaves / grass / petals and whatever else they could find in the garden all around you. They decorated them, they wore them and they ran riot having a fairy party for you. Zac in particular took such care over his fairy wings, being so particular about what he was putting where, taking such care of making his wings look symmetrical. Xander was having a whale of a time throwing anything he could lay his hands on on to his wings and Lucas, well, he didn't like the that the wings were so sticky but he stuck bits on and loved wearing them and playing with his fairy wand when he was finished.





I'm always so aware when making these birthday choices that we don't really know at all. I'm guessing it probably wouldn't have been a fairy party in the real world. I'm guessing it would've been too babyish for a nearly Year 5 girl.  I wonder if it would've been cinema and meal, or trampolining, or  bowling, or maybe even a slime party (seems to be ever so popular at the moment and what Xander wants for his birthday party)! I always wonder what you would've chosen for yourself. 

What you would've liked for your ninth birthday. What would've been the 'in' thing for girls of your age. What are the in things for girls your age. I admit to having no idea. What would your interests have been. If having Zac who loves all things pink and pretty has taught me anything; we choose girly things for you, well because it seems like the right thing to do. But who knows, maybe you would've been into Marvel Superheroes or something totally breaking free of gender stereotyping just like Zac. Maybe it would never have been the frilly pink and girly things at all. 

We had a lovely Belle special day for your birthday my beautiful girl, but I wish beyond wish that I really knew you.


Happy birthday. Nine. 

Mummy, Daddy, Xander, Zachy and Luc love you and miss you. Endlessly. 

As transitions into June go, this year has been pretty brutal. 

I woke up in Croatia on June 1st after a much-needed and gorgeous wedding guest mini-break with Jon and some of our best friends. Child free none-the-less.   Fly home day. 

Woke up with swollen - couldn't get my shoes on - feet and not feeling quite myself. Nothing unusual about not feeling myself on June 1st, I know. But at the day went on a slightly sore tickley throat and cough got worse and by bedtime I felt pretty rubbish. 

Sunday I woke up feeling positively unwell and by the afternoon very unwell. Throat and ear pain and ill, swollen neck and face ill.  A Monday GP visit to a viral infection (isn't it always?!) and high blood pressure diagnosis. Still ill enough mid-week to need Wednesday and Thursday off work. Thankfully Thursday was turn the corner day and able to get my shoes back on my feet day. 

Now a full week on I'm feeling mostly better. Still coughing a bit and not feeling quite 100% but better. Tomorrow I have a some blood tests (unrelated to virus) and blood pressure check to make sure it was only an illness related high blood pressure last week but in the meantime, Jon and the children haven't shown any sign of catching whatever it was.

Which leaves me pretty sure this viral whatever it was, is entirely linked to my reaction to a month. Like not a real virus at all but another manifestation of grief, almost like an allergic reaction and my entire anatomy effect by a month of the year.  Ill because the month changed to June. 

This year it seems my reserves are lower than ever and last week felt like a battering. 

I feel like I've lost a week of preparing myself for the month and all of a sudden it is now the 11th tomorrow, with ten days to go to her birthday, with not enough prepared.  Tonight I'm feeling a running out of time panic. An ever familiar nauseous ball in my stomach. 

I'm glad to be feeling physically better this week though. Even on a good month I've little time (quite literally) for illness. There are never enough hours in the day to get my job and the rest of life done as it is! 

At the weekend we bought Belle's ninth birthday presents.  The annual visit to the garden centre. To buy presents for our should-be nine year old.  The. Garden. Centre.  Garden ornaments.  Even though the boys were instrumental in the choices and their input is always precious... and even though they are pretty and girly purchases, they're still not what would be buying if she were here. At least I assume it isn't what we would be buying. Unless she particularly wanted a fairy village in the garden. Fairies being the theme her Daddy decided on for this year.  

Every year I feel somewhat angry that we don't really know what girls of her age really like. Not really. We make half-educated guesses. Land on something appropriately girly. 

So presents have been chosen. 

This week flowers will be ordered if one of us can steel ourselves to go to the florist. This year I find myself avoiding it. I've never known the 11th June without flowers ordered before. Another location where birthday money shouldn't be spent. Tomorrow that needs to get done.

Then Sunday we endure 'the day, the 16th, in collaboration with Father's Day. Then those five lost days ticking up to her birthday begin. The no-mans-land days of 2010. The just waiting. I haven't got a firmed up birthday day plan yet either.  

I'm so unbelievably already distracted by next years birthday. 

NINE means we're just twelve months off Belle being TEN. A decade. Double figures.  Distracted because I remember my own tenth birthday and how grown up it felt to be in double figures. Like a rite of passage.  Distracted because I'm already awash with anxiety about next year. A super significant 2020.  I wonder every year how another year of my life has ticked by. How the date is June 20andsomethingdifferent when my mind for this month always says 2010 to me. But ten years. A decade. That is a hell of a lot of growing up and getting older time. 

I may not have firmed up a birthday plan for this year quite yet. I have ideas, I'll set a plan in motion this week.  But next year, I'm planning to do it all a bit differently.  A bit differently like we would've if she had been here for such a significant birthday. Like we will also for the boys. Traditions starting with Belle. Our children's tenth birthdays will mean a quirky get away! 

We might not even be home at all on her actual tenth birthday. Which I have no doubt will present its own anxiety and guilt ridden challenges for me. But its ok isn't it? To plan to do something different that we might have done on her tenth birthday anyway. To not be here. To not necessarily be graveside on the actual day? 

I think I want Belle's quirky tenth birthday to have a beach / mermaid theme. Something like a beach-hut stay.  I've done a bit of googling tonight. Something not too far away but still away. I want to find something magical.  Magical that also doesn't break the bank. I've been surprised by the costs of weekends away that are not a Premier Inn on the longest day of the year so far.  

So if anyone knows of somewhere magical and quirky between an hour/hour and half from Cardiff that will fit the brief please send the links my way please! 

This year I'm distracting myself by already fretting about next year. Fretting how we'll mark it with the significance it deserves, beyond a quirky weekender. 

But anyway. I need to shelve ten for another time. 

Tomorrow I need to refocus on Belle just turning nine and get my act and plan together around that. Because a plan is what always sees me through. 

The ever changing symptoms, coping mechanisms and lack thereof this time of year never cease to amaze me.  Illness and distracted thoughts are right up there this year.