Sunday, 8 May 2011
Capture a Moment...Fiz
Well it dawned on me today when I was thinking about my blog that I had completely missed my "Capture a Moment" post last Tuesday. So all be it belated I will share my moment today instead.
Below is a photograph of Fiz. Last weekend was her 4th birthday, it is amazing how quickly time goes by, to me she is still just a kitten, not 4! During this period of hot weather Fiz has taken to lying on her back with all of her paws in the air, I assume in an attempt to keep cool. Her birthday was no expection and she spent the day lazing around and chilling out. The second photograph is of Jon and Fiz earlier on today sharing a cwtch; having a snooze like a baby in his arms.
Below is a photograph of Fiz. Last weekend was her 4th birthday, it is amazing how quickly time goes by, to me she is still just a kitten, not 4! During this period of hot weather Fiz has taken to lying on her back with all of her paws in the air, I assume in an attempt to keep cool. Her birthday was no expection and she spent the day lazing around and chilling out. The second photograph is of Jon and Fiz earlier on today sharing a cwtch; having a snooze like a baby in his arms.
Spoilt much? Completely!
Friday, 6 May 2011
Tiny Development
Wednesday morning at another antenatal appointment I was given my Pregnancy Bounty pack. The parcel full of baby product vouchers, advertisements and samples. Last time I was given the Bounty pack and excitedly signed up to Pampers updates, Emma's Diary updates and various other baby product things; not this time. I cannot bear the thought of signing up for even more emails so that in the event of Bow dying too even more emails forever arrive in my inbox about babies I don't have with me.
Thats not to say I didn't look at all the vouchers and samples. I've sent off for 'free' Disney books, kept a voucher for a free pack of Huggies nappies, kept the tablets of washing powder from Fairy and tiny nappy as a sample from Pampers. I'll even collect my Mum-to-be Bounty pack from Sainsbury's at some point.
In the pack was a Bounty magazine, all about my pregnancy - telling me what my baby is doing week to week. We have an extensive pregnancy book we bought when we were pregnant with Anabelle that tells us these things in great detail, but the nuggets from the magazine are lovely to read too.
I find the development of an unborn baby fascinating. Isn't it incredible what a tiny egg and sperm turns into? That during the forty weeks of pregnancy they turn into clusters of cells and quickly into a full formed tiny baby that grows and grows. Amazing.
When Anabelle died at 32 weeks she was able to see and hear. Anabelle knew when it was light and dark, she could hear all the noises in my body, my heart, my stomach, all the movement inside and all the sounds from the world outside. Anabelle had times when she was awake and when she was alseep; when Anabelle was asleep she already had dreams. I wonder what those dreams were full of? My baby girl could already dream.
This week, at 13 weeks grown our little Bow's fingerprints are appearing on his or her tiny little fingers. I'm constantly astounded about the development of human life in the fragile state of pregnancy. Already our second child has unique fingerprints, no-one else in the world has the same fingerprints as Bow. Bow can already kick his/her legs, turn his/her head and even swallow! Wow!
"I realised then that a child who makes it into this world is indeed a miracle and has perhaps performed the greatest feat of his or her lifetime just by growing into a complete human being in nine months and being born without mishap" Marylin Hilton.
Please Father God let Bow be our miracle.
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Maternity Leave
Today should have been my last day of maternity leave. Tonight I should be fussing around getting a changing bag ready and stressing out about leaving Anabelle for the first time tomorrow. Tomorrow I should be ringing my mother at least three times during the day to check on how my baby is and counting down the minutes until I can go pick her up and bring her home.
Instead I've been back at work for six months, our daughter has been dead for over ten months, there is no-one to ring tomorrow and Anabelle will never come home.
Monday, 2 May 2011
A Name
Over the weekend we decided on Bow's proper name. Another special moment, knowing that in the next 6-8 weeks we should be able to give our baby their identity. Of course we've currently decided on two names; one pink, one blue.
We decided early on what Anabelle was going to be called as well. Maybe not quite as early as this; I think our final decisions for names were around the 16-17 week mark, but early too. With Anabelle I was happy to have a surprise, Jon on the other hand was desperate to know. So we bargained; we would find out for him for our first baby and have a surprise for me for our second.
Now, pregnant with our second, a surprise is the furtherest thing from my mind. I am desperate to know who our baby is and getting increasingly impatient waiting for the moment of reveal and introduction to a son or daughter.
When we named Anabelle at her 20 week scan many people questioned us and said that we would change our mind by the time she arrived. I knew that wouldn't be the case, we just knew that was meant to be our baby girls name. It was her identity and it was her we were bonding with and getting to know. Changing her name at birth would have made her not herself, not the her that we already knew.
Now we have a name for Bow and I cannot wait to introduce you to him or her properly in the coming weeks. Our second child almost has an identity and that is very exciting.
Along with the excitement comes fear. Yesterday we were thrilled because Bow's name had been chosen, today the fear has got me again. The disbelief that Bow will come home, the fear of myself not being able to do this, the fear of another tiny coffin, a grave reopened and another baby placed inside, another headstone to order.
I always knew there would be these fears in our next pregnancy, but the engulfment is huge. I can only imagine it getting worse and wonder just how far along I will be before I completely lose all shreds of togetherness and sanity.
Sunday, 1 May 2011
Vivid Dreams
For the last six weeks or so I've been having detailed and vivid dreams. No wonder I'm waking up tired and feeling unrested much of the time at the moment. Some mornings it feels like my brain hasn't shut off at all. I know the most obvious reason for this increase in dream activity is the multitude of anxieties surrounding Bow. I remember having more dreams in the early days of Anabelle's pregnancy, but I don't remember them being this frequent, or quite as vivid or random, or quite as scary.
Dream 1: We are driving from our house onto the motorway. There has been a huge crash, multi-car pile up and there is devastation everywhere. Smoke, suitcases and clothes strewn all over the motorway and stuck in overhead cables. Bodies piled across the carriageway.
Dream 2: We've reached our 20 week scan. Everything is black and white as on a normal scan but in super 3D. After a while I figure out the reason it is so 3D is because my head is inside my stomach having a look at the baby. Baby is a boy.
Dream 3: Me, my Mum and my sister are in Italy being chased around the country by the Italian Mafia. They are chasing us on a fire engine. We all have guns are are shooting at the men chasing us. Cue lots of balcony jumping and trying to hide in different rooms of a massive tower block.
Dream 4: My friend who works in film is killed on set. A really gruesome death.
Dream 5: Jon and me are living in what appears to be the 1950s, living in my grandparents house with people who are family, but I don't recognise any of them and they are not very nice to us. We are running away from someone but I don't know who. We have a baby boy in this dream too.
Dream 6: I paint myself from head to toe in blue paint, including my hair. I look just like a smurf. Very random dream!
Dream 7: I'm driving along and I notice the back of my car is on fire. I pull over and get out just intime before the whole car goes up in flames. Then I go to my parents house, only it isn't the house they live in now, but the one we all lived in until I was 11. The house is on fire too, only everyone is still inside and they don't seem to notice that it is on fire and are carrying on as normal, even thought the place is filled with smoke and flames. I ring 999 and the lady on the other end isn't interested at all and tells me to stop over-reacting about the fire. There is a baby boy in this dream too.
Maybe I should look into dream interpretation for a giggle.
Thursday, 28 April 2011
A Different Child
A different child,
people notice,
there's a special glow around you.
surrounded by love,
never doubting you are wanted;
only look at the pride and joy
in your mother and father's eyes.
and if sometimes,
between the smiles,
theres a trace of tears,
one day
you'll understand.
You'll understand
there was once another child.
A different child
who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night.
Infact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
except sometimes, in a silent moment,
when mother and father miss so much
that different child.
may hope and love wrap you warmly
and may you learn the lesson forever
how infinitely precious
how infinitely fragile
is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
you may see another mother's tears,
another father's silent grief.
then you, and you alone
will understand
and offer the greatest comfort.
when all hope seems lost,
you will tell them
with great compassion,
"I know how you feel. I'm only here because my mother tried again."
By: Pandora Diane Waldron
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Capture a Moment...Introducing
... Anabelle's little brother or sister. Jon and I are excited (but oh so scared) to introduce our second child. Please meet little Baby Bow - so named as in short for 'Rainbow' because we believe this little one is putting a big splash of colour in our lives through the storm.
This moment of reveal has taken a lot of building up to. This is the third time I've started to announce our pregnancy; twice before I've chickened out. I'm not sure why. Everything is so much bigger this time; emotionally we're incredibly fragile around the edges.
Today we had our second scan, our 12 week scan. (We had an early scan at 7 weeks as well - when Bow appeared like a tiny little blob). This morning was special; Bow is a very wriggly baby, arms and legs moving everywhere and rolypoly's galore. This little one barely stayed still long enough for the consultant to measure, date and take photographs of him or her! Even this our second time around I was amazed by just how much you could see from a 12 week grown baby and just how much movement little Bow can already do. Anabelle was very quiet in her dating scan, she gave us a wave but for the most part stayed still and behaved for the sonographer; Bow on the other hand appeared to be having a whale of a time - very much awake and playing around.
We've reached the stage in this pregnancy that the majority of people breathe a sigh of relief and are reassured that it means everything will be ok. For us this 12 week milestone means very little, other than we've managed to get this far. If anything it represents the very beginning of the biggest hurdles yet to come. I don't think either of us dare to believe this baby will really be coming home but we know we already love little Bow very much, just like we did already with Belle.
We found out we were expecting Bow on the 28th February. The most ironic thing of all is that morning I'd written a blog about my post baby body; hours later we discovered I was pregnant again - not so post baby body than next baby body now! I'm already sporting a little bump (or not so little!) and have broken out the maternity clothes again in the last ten days. I'm getting increasingly larger and far more rounded than I was at 12 weeks with Anabelle, and I thought I was big for 12 weeks then too!
The last two months already have been fraught with emotional ups and downs. We are of course very happy about this pregnancy, but there is a whole lot of other feelings thrown into the mix there too. Swinging between feeling euphoric to an overwhelming fear that our second baby will die too; and knowing there is nothing we can do to stop it happening. The most sickening feeling of all is that I do not trust my body to keep my baby safe. I feel immensely out of control and know this is going to be a long journey with a currently unknown ending.
All we can but do is try and hold onto the shreds of hope and faith as they appear and enjoy the special moments like today seeing our little Bow's face for the first time.
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- Caz
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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