Saturday, 28 June 2014
Her Birthday
Anabelle's birthday was stressful. Of course it was stressful, but this year, it was stressful.
It felt like everything was against us. Time was against us. The house took over. Jon went out in the morning to do jobs. The electrician decided to phone late that morning to announce off the cuff he was available that afternoon to do the safety certificates on the old house ready for the rental. So as we were leaving to decorate Anabelle's garden we ended up taking money down the old house ready to pay for the certificates.
We got almost 1.00pm, we still hadn't been to her, and I proceeded to have a meltdown. It all got too much. It felt ruined. Topped off with her balloon popping and half the day gone and us just not getting anywhere.
My irrational need to make the day 'just perfect' and full of things for her, when it can never be perfect. There wasn't enough time left to do everything I had wanted to do for her birthday, so her birthday walk got cancelled. It spiralled out of the control until I was shouting angrily at Jon in the car, with Xander getting upset in the back saying 'No Mummy' - not my finest hour by far.
But it all came together. Just about.
My favourite bit was eating KFC on a picnic blanket on top of her garden. Why have we never had a picnic up there before? It was a lovely way to spend time up there. We placed flowers, a candle, a bird house and bird seed. We placed her huge number four balloon, the boys sent their sister balloons and listened to her new story there. Sleep Little Angel.
We came home and created her home garden. Pink Dahlias, candles, windmills and gifts from our friends of a beautiful stepping stone and butterfly solar lights.
We visited the new house and named it for her and placed the bell for Belle on our front wall. She is there before we are!
We had birthday cake and Xander blew out her four candles. We finished the day sat in the garden with my family, with her pink candle lit in her huge lantern.
But despite all this I feel flat. I feel like this year her birthday hasn't been done justice, we didn't do it well enough for her, it has been and gone and now July is here.
At the moment I feel like we're making a mess of things for all the children.
Tomorrow we desperately need some time altogether. For all our sakes.
Sleep little angel, and I will sing, of summer and winter and autumn and spring.
Of stars and every quiet thing, of frost and primroses I will sing.
Friday, 20 June 2014
Numb
This year I'm feeling kind of numb.
I'm struggling to formulate my thoughts or process my feelings. Instead of the violent tramatic reaction to her birthday and everything surrounding it like last year, this year I don't know how to feel. I'm not sure where I'm at. Tonight I feel a bit lost.
Disbelief maybe. Four years.
Last year was raw and painful. I suffered nightmares, images of my baby girl in that deep cold ground. Flashbacks vivid and real of those days. I suffered, I hurt. I got hurt. I lost some more.
This year I feel numb. I feel tearful, heavy and exhausted. But I feel numb. Like I've blocked it out somehow.
We are now just minutes away from my precious Anabelle's birthday.
This week has been busy. Too busy. We've moved, we've been out late every night packing, moving and cleaning. Burning the candle at both ends and up umpteen times a night with Zachary. There is too much going on. Too much bustle, not enough time for quiet reflection. No time left to feel. So instead there is mainly numbness.
This year I fear there may be a delayed reaction.
I'm struggling to formulate my thoughts or process my feelings. Instead of the violent tramatic reaction to her birthday and everything surrounding it like last year, this year I don't know how to feel. I'm not sure where I'm at. Tonight I feel a bit lost.
Disbelief maybe. Four years.
Last year was raw and painful. I suffered nightmares, images of my baby girl in that deep cold ground. Flashbacks vivid and real of those days. I suffered, I hurt. I got hurt. I lost some more.
This year I feel numb. I feel tearful, heavy and exhausted. But I feel numb. Like I've blocked it out somehow.
We are now just minutes away from my precious Anabelle's birthday.
This week has been busy. Too busy. We've moved, we've been out late every night packing, moving and cleaning. Burning the candle at both ends and up umpteen times a night with Zachary. There is too much going on. Too much bustle, not enough time for quiet reflection. No time left to feel. So instead there is mainly numbness.
This year I fear there may be a delayed reaction.
Monday, 16 June 2014
The Date That She Died
I never quite know how to respond to the date that Anabelle died. I don't want to mark it like I do her birthday, but I know it is coming. And it arrives, and it hangs over me all day like a black cloud, getting darker and darker through the day and sets off the storm for the week.
It hangs there and the days of build up, and flashbacks to her birthday starts.
My rational self knows that this date is not my fault. I know I had seen a midwife just twelve or so hours before Anabelle died, and the midwife told me we were ok. I listened to that, I used that appointment and a heartbeat monitor to reassure myself when I was worried in that evening. I know there isn't really anyone to blame. But when the date arrives, and these few days after it, it is really hard to shift the blame from my shoulders.
Last Autumn my counsellor talked of the need to forgive myself. But I don't know how, or what it will take to forgive myself for this day. I'm not writing this to be reassured that isn't and wasn't my fault, because today, that is no comfort.
It should have been different. I should've listened to those instincts that felt something wasn't quite right. I shouldn't have foolishly and falsely reassured myself. I shouldn't have talked myself out of going to the hospital until the morning. I shouldn't have been worried about making a fuss. I shouldn't have gone to sleep, leaving it too late and letting her die.
I slept and my little girl died and I can't forgive myself for that.
I slept and my little girl died and I can't forgive myself for that.
I know getting to the hospital earlier may not have changed the outcome. But it would have been her only chance to survive. It is the biggest thing I could have done differently to give my darling baby girl a chance.
Today I've approached the date that she died by keeping busy. Too busy. Feeling manic almost. Tonight I'm exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically. Even though I don't want to mark this date, the events haunt me, the turmoil and memories, the longing for things to be different tortures me.
It is always going to haunt me. My heart aches for her so much.
Saturday, 14 June 2014
So We Are Moving
We didn't know it yet, but two days from now, four years ago we were about to be temporarily moving in with my parents while we navigated the death, birth and funeral of our baby daughter.
Tomorrow, we're temporarily moving in with my parents again. The timing feels significant somehow. Somehow some sort of circle.
This time, we're moving in while we renovate what will be our new family home. We're moving. It has been a long time coming, and much needed move for the space factor, not to mention moving back to our home town. We're of course thrilled, but tonight, our last night sleeping here, the last night putting my babies to bed in their first home too, I'm feeling overwhelmingly sad too. This is the house where we moved in together, we got engaged here - actually here in this living room, Belle died in this living room while I slept on this sofa overnight, we've had our babies here and bought our rainbows home to here. All those milestones, memories, moments. Our lives have immeasurably changed in the seven years we have lived here.
And now, although we will still own it, this little house will become somebody else's home. A tenant is moving in in a few weeks and it is time for us to go and get the house ready for them.
The new house we have bought will not be ready for some months. We were somewhat naive when we assessed the level of work that needed doing to it. We knew it was unkempt and dirty, we accounted for a fortnight of deep cleaning, decorating, and changing some floors; but, with a Vendor that made no effort to take their rubbish and many belongings with them, it has turned into more or less a full renovation as more grime and damage was discovered. So here we are; the night before the move to Mum and Dad's.
The new house will be perfect. I'm excited about transforming it into our home, even if the task at hand seems never-ending and overwhelming just now. It will be just how I want it, and feels totally meant to be. Despite the dirt on viewing, and clearly not kept anywhere near to my standards, both of us were able to look beyond it. It had potential, it was a good size house on a great size plot, it is in a fabulous area with good schools for the boys. It just felt right.
Then we realised it was number 21 on the street. Anabelle's number.
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This just confirmed to us that this was meant to be our house. We're moving to number 21, and it feels like our little girl is moving with the family; her number and her part in our new home. Perfect. So, next weekend, on her birthday it will be named in her honour. We're moving to number 21, and our home will be called "Mehefin" - welsh for June.
Anabelle's birthday.
Friday, 6 June 2014
Here We Go Then. June.
June the first arrived without much drama. I was feeling surprisingly calm and maybe ready to weather the coming storm. I have more than enough to keep me distracted this year; what with organising a full house renovation not to mention Alexander and Zachary.
Then by Tuesday I was feeling out of sorts. Tuesday was not a good day in the Morgan household. I was grumpy Mummy. Zachary was grumpy. Xander was grumpy. It made for probably the worst day I've ever had with the children. I don't say that lightly. I had zero patience and it left me feeling horrible, sad and guilty. I didn't like myself by the end of Tuesday. It was a long day. I should be more grateful than anyone that I get to be Mummy to those beautiful boys. The boys who are my world and more. But Tuesday I needed space, I needed sleep. Tuesday I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed with everything and other than the house stuff I couldn't really put my finger on why.
Wednesday, Thursday, today have been happier, back to normal Mummy days for the boys. But everything has felt more effort than usual; Everything is overwhelming. I'm struggling to concentrate. Getting us all up in the morning, dressed, out on time, fed, to bed on time. The routine this week has completely fallen apart and the boys are suffering for it. They need me to start pulling it back together.
Yesterday I realised why. It is June.
It is June, and that is why just normal every day things are now feeling a monumental effort.
It is June, and my baby girl is four, should be four this month.
Ten days from now, four years ago, my darling daughter died. Another five days after that she was silently born. Another seven days after that we buried her. My Anabelle.
It is June, and the 'foreverness' of that reality hits again.
Subconsciously my mind and body have acknowledged the month, but its taken me the week to catch up and figure it out. Everything about this month is so hard, that even when I want to be better at it, my subconscious self cannot do it. My body already feels tired. Today my back aches, my arms are heavy. I haven't done anything out of the ordinary to feel achy; this is the physical manifestation of the utter grief and turmoil I know is to come as the next few weeks pass.
So this week, and next week, the week after that, and the week after that. Please excuse me. Please accept that I may be over-sensitive, grumpy, impatient, even horrible. I will struggle, I will be teary, I will cease to cope in parts, I will be black, I will grieve as if she left me yesterday. I will re-live those dates again.
A few weeks of upheaval are in store for our family. Not only are we going through the emotional upheaval that happens each June, this year we're also moving in with my parents over the next weeks while our new home is renovated. It is just unfortunate timing, rather than bad planning, that this is all happening at once.
Please hold our hand and be our friend.
And today, please remember beautiful Cerian, her Mummy, Daddy and her precious new little rainbow brother. Wishing her a happy 4th birthday.
Wednesday, 4 June 2014
Zachary @ 6 Months
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This month I'm feeling pretty exhausted. After saying nights had improved, no sooner had I said it, then they deteriorated again. A good night is currently two wake up; although three, even four wake ups are more usual.
Up until his half birthday he was still in the Moses basket, (yes he did look ridiculous), the poor boy was fairly squashed, but with an imminent house move we expected to be sooner than it has happened (I'll do a post on this soon!), we were just trying to stretch him out in the moses without needing to build the cot, to then dismantle, move and build again. He had been happy enough in there until just after 5 months old, but the last few weeks he was spending much more of the night in bed with me, than he was in his moses. So we admitted defeat, and have come up with the travel cot as a half measure for the next few weeks.
We hoped the extra space in the travel cot would improve the night wakings, but no, it appears this boy is not going to be a 'sleep through the night' kind of baby anytime soon. Nevermind. The gorgeous boy he is makes up for all those difficult nights, even if I am pretty desperate for more than 2-3 hours sleep in a row now!
My darling boy, you are half way to your birthday and I can hardly believe it, before I know it I will be planning that very special day for you. Your first year is going so fast my baby small. At six months old you are 18lb 4oz and have already been in your 6-9 month wardrobe for almost three weeks already! And your eyes have changed. They are beautiful dark blue, but in the middle there are little flecks of yellow and green now. Really beautiful.
So you're eating little one! Not very much but you're enjoying what you've had. I think you're going to be messier to wean than Xander - you are already much more eager to be holding the bowl and the spoon and giving this feeding thing a go yourself. You've had a week of breakfast so far and this week we introduced tea as well but you really are only having very small portions at the moment. From the offset your brother wanted more and more food - crying when the bowl was finished, but you have started off more slowly - much happier being a milk monster than food monster just now. I'm sure this will change soon enough!
Well, when you're not being your brothers boy! You two are going to be as thick as thieves - you spend so much of your day unable to take your eyes off him. This month you have really discovered rough and tumble play together - lying on the floor and Xander will tickle your tummy, you will squeal and grab out at him, pulling his hand towards you, or pulling his hair or face. So he lies his head on your tummy which you think is just wonderful.
You are getting stronger all of the time. You are getting very good at sitting by yourself and having a good go at some sort of forward motion when you are on your tummy. If you could only co-ordinate yourself a bit more I'm sure you would be army crawling! You try so hard to push yourself forward by lifting your bottom and pushing your feet. You finally rolled little one - from your tummy to your back - but of course, every time I try to catch it on video at the moment you get grumpy and cross. After months of trying you still haven't *quite* managed to roll the other way - you are just a smidgen away from managing it. I can't believe how many times you have been practically there only to flop back onto your back! You are far too happy being stationary at the moment to worry about moving too far! You love lying on the floor to play and watching the world go by. I'm not complaining - I know there will be some real chaos when I have two mobile boys!
This month we have discovered you are getting ticklish. It is very funny. Daddy has been tickling you just under your arm pits and your squirm and squeal and laugh. Just beautiful. We've also discovered you think Timmy Time on Cbeebies is very funny, you gurgle and laugh along to that too. You are just so fascinated with everything in life at the moment - this must be the best bit about being small; for you and Xander everything is a little adventure. I love that.
Fiz has discovered you and insists on sitting next to you on the bed at every opportunity. You seem to love her soft fur and pull at it in clump-fulls. I think she secretly loves the attention you give her - although she would complain at such rough handling from anybody else!
Your favourite things at the moment are sucking and chewing on your fingers or muslins. And wet wipe packets - you love crinkly things at the moment, so wet wipe packets, your Ladybug are your favourite toys just now. Nappy changes are spent with you scrunching the wetwipe packets in your hand and your equally fascinated scrunching the Ladybugs wings.
You really are becoming a little baby boy now, a wonderful little boy.
Monday, 19 May 2014
A Rant At Bounty
A few days ago I saw this, a post expressing their disgust about a breast milk 'milk testing' service being advertised via a leaflet in the bounty packs. The packs we're all sent away with when we leave hospital with following the birth of our babies.
Now I'm not Bounty's biggest fan. I requested them not to come to my bedside on the post-natal ward, because no I don't need an expensive photograph of my baby taken and don't need pressure sales hours after having my stomach cut open. (Plus, my husband does a pretty good job of photographs, for free!) I refused the antenatal packs whilst pregnant with Alexander and Zachary because a) I didn't want to sign up to anything and then need to go through the agony of taking my name off the baby lists again if they didn't make it home and b) well, I just didn't need the tat being handed out in them!
However I did come home with the post-natal packs, mostly for the convenience of the child benefit form in the pack (yes I am too lazy with a newborn to go to the post office to collect it!) but some of the freebies weren't too bad this time around with Zachary either. Personally I feel we should follow the Finnish example and actually hand out something useful to expectant parents - but lets stay on topic.
Breast milk testing. In Bounty packs.
I was outraged reading about it.
Your baby is brand new. Likely your milk hasn't come in yet. If you want to breastfeed, you are likely finding it more than a little tricky just now. We are taught that breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world, but what we're not taught is that it is actually a skill you and baby have to master, and lots of women find it difficult in the beginning. It probably isn't going to come together and be perfect overnight.
Baby; baby is a bit tired and disorientated from birth, your nipple is massive and their mouths are tiny, latching and suckling is HARD WORK. You; you don't know what the hell you're doing. Even if you've breast fed a previous baby, you've forgotten what is it like to feed a floppy newborn who needs a lot more effort and help on your part to feed than the older baby or toddler you finished feeding last time.
It is a learning curve. And you're likely going to need grit your teeth stubborn determination to make it work if you want to stick it out and really want to breastfeed.
New babies feed A LOT. No one really warns you about those epic cluster feed evenings for weeks on end. No one really warns you that at times it will feel like baby is constantly attached to your breast. No one tells you in antenatal that this is all perfectly NORMAL newborn behaviour. No one tell you you are going to feel exposed, possibly feel a bit like a cow and you're likely going to feel smothered or claustrophobic from time to time. If baby is cluster feeding, or feeding very often, well meaning people will suggest that maybe baby is a hungry baby or that maybe baby isn't getting enough milk. Well meaning people will suggest a bottle. Well meaning, but chip-chipping nonetheless at your fledgling confidence in your new breast-feeding journey.
We're often none-the-wiser that small babies want to feed more often than 3 or 4 hourly. Not when those baby guru's suggest those 3-4 hourly routines. My very almost six month old still only goes 3 hourly, so it is perfectly understandable why a newborn baby will only go an hour and half to 2 hours between feeds. Then breast-fed newborns feed often because breast milk is gentle on the tummy and takes less time to be digested than formula milk. It is normal, overwhelming yes, it feels just all too much to cope with at times, but normal.
The irritatingly annoying breast-feeding propaganda DVD they hand out when you are 28 weeks pregnant more or less glosses over the difficult weeks, (unless it has changed since the 4 years since I've watched it) and just says 'yeh it was tricky but what a beautiful thing it is now'. And it is beautiful, it is totally worth persevering through those difficult weeks for. I love breastfeeding. Now. But wouldn't I have felt more aware of those early weeks and those smothered feelings with Alexander if it has been spelt out that breastfeeding was natural, but it is really difficult for lots of people in the beginning. I just felt shell-shocked and I felt like I was doing it all wrong.
And then when you open those Bounty packs, already feeling a bit vulnerable and having doubts about your ability to breastfeed, you are confronted with those leaflets, those leaflets suggesting that maybe your breastmilk hasn't got everything in it that your baby needs. You better check it out right?
What if some one sends off a sample to be told their milk is lacking in 'this' and 'this' and 'this'? If they're already doubting themselves a report basically saying their milk isn't 'good enough' is going to be the nail in the coffin isn't it. Possibly a woman who desperately wants to breast-feed will switch to formula because she thinks that will be better for her baby than her.
Someone tell me how that got through any advertising board? How very dare these leaflets be in Bounty packs, knocking a new Mummy's confidence at best and taking advantage of the lack of confidence in it at worst.
Breast milk is clever stuff. It KNOWS exactly what YOUR baby needs at any given time. The milk you produce when you baby is a newborn is nothing like the milk you'll be producing when that baby is 6 months old, and that will be different to the milk being produced at a year old and so forth. Once established it always has the right amount there. Amazingly it listens to your baby each feed, taking note of the volume baby has had and how much to produce next time. It changes as your baby grows, providing exactly the right amount of all those vitamins and nutrients and fat content baby needs.
Currently exclusively breast-feeding Zachary I'm marvelling somewhat that this time I know I'm totally the reason for his weight gain these last six months, and I'm not going to deny that I'm proud of that. Maybe even a little sad that the 'exclusively' bit is about to end as he begins his food journey next week. Isn't that a bit crazy?! Emotions are weird things.
It is such a special time.
My breast feeding journey with Zachary has been so different to my experiences with Alexander in those early weeks. My early breast-feeding struggles with Alexander were well documented here. He never learnt to latch without nipple shields. I felt enormously guilty about that, felt such enormous pressure about it. He took an hour to feed, and then after an hour off would want another hour feed. After a few weeks I felt SO claustrophobic. I wasn't enjoying it. Sometimes I felt panicky feeding him, clawing at cushions and feeling like my skin was crawling. There was lots of gritting teeth. I wasn't passionate about breast-feeding in that time. I didn't feel like it was ever going to feel better.
But it did. Suddenly, when he was around 4 months old I realised I had fallen in love with feeding him. Our special Mummy and Xander time, and went on to feed him until he was 17 months old. Who would have thought it in those early weeks?!
I'm not going to pretend there was nothing tricky about learning to breast-feed Zachary. I was nervous of the whole nipple shields thing again and was beyond thrilled when I realised this little one was going to be able to feed without them. He's never used them. It had made feeding him out and about so much easier and that alone boosted my confidence this time no end. Zachary just seemed to know how to do it more easily than Xander did in those first few days. Of course he was floppy and it took time to get into a groove, some feeds were HARD. There were middle of the night feeds that I cried. But I had a better feeling about it all from day one. (Apart from when I thought it was all going wrong at 8 days old and he was poorly and having a tube put down to feed my milk to him.)
But none of those negative feelings have crept in this time. I've not once felt smothered or claustrophobic this time. And I guess that is because this time, in those early weeks when feeds were hard I knew it would get better. I knew the epic feeds or the cluster feeding wouldn't last forever. Even though he has me up in the far more often than his big brother did, I know that won't last forever either. I honestly love snuggling him in for every feed. Only I can do it for him, and that is special to me. Just Mummy and Zac time. Because goodness me the baby small has to share me and gets less attention than maybe he should the rest of the time! Well less attention than Alexander had as a baby anyhow.
This post isn't about formula knocking. Formula saved my breast-feeding journey with Xander. If it hadn't been for the introduction of that one bottle a day and other occasional use I really don't think we would have fed for anywhere near as long as we did in the end. Forumla has its place and for many families it is the right choice for them. Happy parents and happy babies. But there will be some women who use it and give up breastfeeding when they really really didn't want to. Some women will struggle to make their peace with that, and how awful would it be if this 'milk testing' was an enormous part of the reason in that?
I guess I just wanted to make the point that women do not need their milk tested for its content. From my understanding not producing enough milk, and not producing the right kind of milk, is rare. That usually it is a lack of support in those crucial establishing breastfeeding weeks is the real root of the problem. Not a milk supply or content.
So Bounty. Stop undermining those fledgling early breastfeeding efforts with 'milk testing' nonsense. How about instead putting booklets of national breastfeeding support helplines in the packs. Information on how to find a local breastfeeding support group, or peer supporter, or a independent lactation consultant. How about directing people to excellent websites such as KellyMom or the La Leche League.
Breast feeding mothers need support. Not milk testing.
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- Caz
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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