Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 21 February 2011

Babies

Babies are everywhere; every time I leave this house there is almost 100% guarantee I will be confronted by the sound or sight of a tiny infant. Even this weekend, at the evening celebrations of my nearly sister-in-laws hen night there was a baby.

For the most part now I deal with babies pretty well I think. I’ve learnt to expect babies in the supermarkets and out and about and so feel less phased by them, I feel more able to go into my neighbours houses with their babies who were born days either side of Anabelle, I do ok with the babies at church. I do ok because I expect them to be at these places, a sort of knowing what I’m letting myself in for and being prepared for it.

But Saturday night I didn’t do very well. Not as bad as the early days when there would’ve been a complete meltdown, but not brilliantly all the same. You see it hadn’t occurred to me at all that I had to steel myself for the sounds and sights of a baby that night and as such I was left unprepared. After all hen nights are not the usual places for finding babies.

In many respects I probably came across as rude, I didn’t make that much of an effort with others for the meal, but inside I was desperately trying not to cry. Baby cries and noises leave me feeling anxious, a painful reminder of something we never had. We never heard Anabelle make a single sound. I know I have to get better still with dealing with the unexpected but small babies and heavily pregnant women just serve to remind me of where I failed and how our lives are left empty while other people’s families fill up some more.

The first time I saw another baby after Anabelle death was at my cousins wedding. It had been 5 weeks, I’d barely physically recovered from giving birth let alone started to deal with my emotional wreckage. I knew there was going to be a tiny newborn girl there but for some reason I felt I needed to be at his wedding regardless. In hindsight attending was a really stupid thing to do. The fact that I was barely holding it together most days as it was should’ve been reason enough not to go and make my life even more unbearable. So the barely holding it together turned into unravelling fast before the ceremony was even over. Watching another baby girl be cooed over while my own was still fresh in the ground; I hated everyone that day. But I guess I thought if I missed my cousins wedding, I missed it forever. It was once in a lifetime and I thought I needed to go.

So my brother’s wedding draws continually closer. In just under 5 weeks I will be at another wedding. There is much to prepare myself for – 25 invited babies and small toddlers on mass. I’m hugely anxious about it and how I will cope. Surrounded by families when all we want is our own. I continue to struggle with the unfairness of it all. The only small child that should matter that day is not there at all.

Today marks 8 months since Anabelle was born. 8 months into the rest of our lifetime of being a broken family in the worst possible way. Today my arms ache to hold her.

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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