Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 7 February 2011

Changed

Today another angel Mummy joined British Mummy Bloggers. Her son was born sleeping, like Anabelle, and she also blogs about her experience and life after her little boy’s death.  She calls it finding her new normal. http://findmynewnormal.blogspot.com/ Of course, normal for both of us now is something unknown; something foreign and different.

I’m still not sure what my new normal is. Normal one week doesn’t equal normal the next anymore. When I’m feeling particularly low there is no way of telling what will be normal from one day to the next.

After reading this Mums blog today and a post on how she feels different now I’ve spent time reflecting again how Anabelle’s death has changed nearly every aspect of my life. Some negative changes, others positive.

Negative

I’m now a ‘glass half empty’ type of person. I was always a bit of a worrier, but now negativity surrounds me. I fully expect something disappointing, upsetting, devastating to happen to us.  I didn’t always feel this way; 12 months ago we were pregnant and nothing in the world could’ve been better for us. I only expected good things for our future. Now we have an angel baby and lumber puncture results on the way that have the potential to shatter our lives just that little bit more. Of course, the results could bring good news; I just expect them to say the worst. Anxiety fills my life now, try as I might to cling onto some hope and faith.

I cannot concentrate. Yesterday I was in the supermarket with Jon, with a list in front of me and still couldn’t figure it out. I feel like a crazy person a lot of the time. It is like my head refuses to work properly, like I’ve forgotten how to think so my brain is often one big mush of fuzziness. The simplest of tasks sometimes can feel enormous. I’m forever forgetting things. I used to love reading, I don’t think I’ve read a book since Anabelle died – I just cannot concentrate on it. My friend lent me the first two books in the Twighlight series about a month after Belle was born, I managed about chapter and a half and had to put it down because I couldn’t for the life of me remember what I’d just read. I still can’t. If anything the concentrating problem seems to be getting worse as time goes on.

I’m angry. So angry. I know anger is not a good look but I have no time for nonsense anymore. Sometimes the anger is because of sadness, other times resentment, other time jealousy. Sometimes the anger will be directed at the media; papers, TV, sometimes facebook or other website, sometimes my family. In fact my poor family, my Mum, Jon get the brunt of it, the brunt of the days where I stop coping with my world. Because you see, my world hurts, my world is unjust and my world is broken.

Positive

I’m no longer a people pleaser. Although I suppose that would depend on your opinion as to if you agree this is positive. Once upon a time I would’ve bent over backwards to make sure other people were happy. I would’ve avoided confrontation at any cost. I still don’t like confrontation, but I won’t avoid it at any cost; like I said, these days I’ve no time for nonsense. I’m not as inclined to put myself out for people. I used to be a “chaser” trying to keep up and in touch with everybody– now I’m not the “chaser” some people have drifted away. It is a real truth that tragedy highlights who is really by your side and who you can rely on. These are the people I will put myself out for in future.  

Jon and I are very together. I knew we were strong before, but there is nothing like life experience to prove it. We have been through more in our early marriage than most people go through in a lifetime; his serious condition on our return from honeymoon, our daughter’s death and whatever these lumber results are going to find. Tragedy makes or breaks a relationship and I know it has made ours. Nothing could possibly break us now.  Besides Jon is the single person in this world who truly understands my pain; how on earth would I survive the rest of my life without Anabelle if I didn’t have him?  As 1 Corinthians 13 v 7-8 says “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails” I know without any reservation that I and Jon have true love and that our marriage is forever.

I truly know where my priorities are. My family above all else. I know what it is like to feel a mother’s love now. There really is no love like the love you have for your child is there. I can’t describe it. Anabelle is not even here but my heart bursts with love and pride for her. I worry that I love Anabelle so much that I will run out of love for our next child. Although I know that could not be true; our next child will bring their own unique joys to our family. Anabelle has taught me how treasured each of our children will be, how we will appreciate what a gift it really is to be have a child, not something to be taken for granted but something so precious I will dedicate everything I can and have to Anabelle and any other baby that will come along. There is nothing in this world that would stop me rightly putting my children first above all else.

There are of course other changes, this is only a snapshot of what it is to be me now. And so for today I turn to my wish list once again:

I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new real me-maybe you'll still like me. 

3 comments:

shirleyshepherd64 said...

i never really knew the old you, but i would like to get to know the new you :-)

My New Normal said...

Thanks so much for the mention. I only wish we didn't have to connect under these circumstances.

Anonymous said...

Ditto, Ditto, Ditto Ditto. JMC

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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