Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 14 February 2011

Soul Mates

Yesterday was a terrible day in the Morgan household. It is extremely rare for me and Jon to fall out on a massive scale; infact I can count on a couple of fingers the number of serious fights we’ve had. But yesterday was one of those times.

We screamed and shouted at each other, both said nasty things. The detail of our fight doesn’t matter; details always look silly when you think back. But when the fighting stopped we cried and cried.  We cried for our daughter and the pain that surrounds everything in our lives now. The good that came out of this row is that we opened up.

You see me and Jon grieve very differently.

My life revolves around all things Anabelle. I’ve immersed myself in planning her special angel day, I think about her nearly every minute of every day, I blog about my life now. I need to feel like I’m doing something for her, to feel like a Mummy.

That is not to say Jon doesn’t think about Anabelle all of the time too; but he copes by distancing himself from the raw pain. Jon has immersed himself in photography, he likes to be distracted, he doesn’t like to talk, not even to me. His devastation is covered by a very strong exterior.

For the most part we’ve accepted that we cope differently. But every now and again Jon’s strong exterior fools even me. Sometimes it makes me feel insecure about my lack of coping, a little bit more like a crazy person, but in reality we’re as bad as each other underneath it all.

Yesterday after this horrendous fight, Jon opened up properly for one of the first times since the early days after Anabelle’s death.

Both of us were feeling pretty rough overnight and not completely ourselves today. Yesterday was the third proper row in our five years together that I can remember. Of course we regularly bicker like all normal couples, but rarely are we angry with each other. As corny as it is, Jon is my soul mate and I love him unconditionally.

You may remember from my post called “Seven” how Jon and I met. Not conventional by any means, but probably more common than people think in this modern internet connected world.

Before facebook we were both on a site called faceparty – a poor version of facebook by todays social networking standards!  Now I used to get loads of horrible sleazy messages on faceparty, I ignored every one of them. Then this one day Jon sent me a message; not at all sleazy or horrible. Infact just very normal; saying simply “Hey, we went to the same secondary school.”  I decided to reply.

After that we were sending messages about our daily lives back and fore. It was like a pen-pal type of relationship. Messages turned into essays, and then the mammoth texts back and fore started as well. Many times over this year Jon tried to persuade me to meet him. You’ve got to give the boy points for perseverance because I always said “No, you could be anyone, I don’t meet people off the internet.”

Then my 21st birthday arrived. Jon insisted that he was going to take me out for a drink. So I tentatively agreed. We finally met. A drink turned into an entire evening spent together chatting and laughing – our online friendship transpiring into real life. We already knew each other so well, within weeks we were inseparable and the rest, as they say, is history.

I have known Jon now for 6 years; we’ve been together for very nearly 5, engaged nearly 4 years ago, married for 18 months and parents to our angel daughter for 8.

Who could’ve predicted our relationship from that first message about school?! I don't think I would've believed it if someone had told me then! 

It is an understatement to say that life has been cruel to Jon and I recently, but tragedy and devastation makes or breaks a relationship; with our already firm foundations it has made ours. Nothing and no-one could come between us. Today on Valentine’s Day I want him to know how much I love him. To celebrate how we slowly fell in love through a series of messages, quickly fell in love after we finally met in person and how I continue to fall in love with him daily.

There is no other person in this world who I would want to spend my life with. For better, for worse, in sickness and in health; I love you.

Wishing everyone a happy Valentine’s Day. 


Nanny Davies/ julie said...

I am so glad that you are together because only by being there for one another will you be able to come to terms with your grief for Anabelle and slowly but surely build on your love for each other to reach whatever goals you set yourselves.
Anabelle will always be your beautiful little angel and none of us will ever forget her!

Anonymous said...

My DH and I also grieve very differently. He went back to work after 4 weeks and is currently working about 50-60 hours a week. I haven't gone back to work and really don't like to leave the house, especially if he isn't with me. Sometimes him being out so much is upsetting, it's very lonely during the day here, but it's what he needs. At the end of the day though he is the only person who knows what its like for me and I am the only person who knows what it is like for him and that keeps us going. Wiahing you a calmer day x

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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