Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 26 December 2011

Another Christmas

The build up to and few days after celebrations and important dates at the hardest. Over the last 18 months I've learnt to expect the actual day to be easier than the days either side. Yesterday was no different. 

Christmas day was busy; maybe that was a good thing, maybe not. Maybe that is what kept the momentum going. After going to Anabelle I was sad for a time, the weather was crap; horrendously windy, rainy and awful and as a result her visit felt rushed, I didn't spend the time there I needed to. It bothers me a lot. 

I felt sad but there was no time to be allowed to feel it yesterday. 

We focussed all our efforts into Alexander's first Christmas; opening a few presents hand-over-hand with him in short bursts, showing him that Mummy and Daddy were excited for him. He had a lovely day and was especially thrilled with his new jungle gym playmat! I will share some photographs his first Christmas soon.

Yesterday was OK; I got through, I was even happy. 

Today, despite a good nights sleep with only one wake up for Alexander, I woke up exhausted. Utterly exhausted and  even knowing the days either side are the worst it took me all morning to figure out why. Suppressing the sad feelings yesterday had bit me on the bum, Anabelle's absence this Christmas hit hard.  My head has hurt. Today I've needed space, quiet time. Today I don't feel very together. I don't want to pretend to be together. 

Today I need some space to grieve. I'm on a low. I need to be allowed to grieve; some understanding that it is not all better or OK this year. It never will be. 

I think this year I set the bar of expectation on myself too high. Next year I will plan in space. 


Weezer said...

I could have written those feelings myself so sad Christmas will never be the same again without our precious girls. Xxxx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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