Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 19 December 2011

Wobble Wobble

An unexpected pressure is building. A few times over the last few days I've been aware of a distant panicky feeling, anxiety rising. Its been a long time since I've had to take deep breaths to quell a meltdown. It seems its getting noisier. 

I seem to be approaching a wobble.  I'm suddenly not feeling totally myself. 

Yesterday we visited Anabelle. All week I'd been worrying about her tree, a nagging suspicion that something wasn't right. I knew I had to check on it before Christmas day. We got there and there was no tree; cue tears from me. I found it destroyed in a ditch and soaked in mud. It had to go in the bin. It was nobody's fault, just some shocking UK weather, but it seems to have prompted the nearing wobble. 

I'm anxious that there is no sign of Christmas in her garden; I need to get up there and decorate it again, but the weather and time is against me. I feel I'm neglecting her because Alexander takes up so much of my attention. 

And now in all my excitement about Alexander's first Christmas I seem to be hitting a downer. A downer because Anabelle is not here. Scratch the surface of me it seems and her glaring absence this Christmas; like every Christmas to come, boils over. Suddenly Christmas is feeling pretty huge again; and not in a good way.  Now I have to reconcile Anabelle's absence against her brother's first Christmas. 

And I will do it. Because Alexander's first Christmas matters. And I will do it, because her garden will be Christmassy again; and then I'll feel much better. Like things are ready for them both. I'll have done enough for both of my babies and then I'll feel more like myself again.

But please give me a few days - this week there is her 18 month birthday to get through too - another milestone, the moment my beautiful girl should've officially (in my mind) become a toddler. 

'Rollercoster' doesn't come close does it. 

2 comments:

Stacey said...

I could have written this 8 or so years ago, I am sure you don't need me to tell you it's all very normal. In fact as we approach Joseph's 10th birthday in heaven, I am feeling a bit anxious that we have not got to decorate his grave for xmas, and won't until xmas eve. But we have had 3 more children since Joseph was born still. If you had told me 10 years ago that it would be weeks and months between visits, I'd never have believed you. But now I know this is ok, he is always with us and in our hearts. I really do identify with that overwhelming need to *do* as *much* as you can for both your babies. Much love to you xxxx

Beady said...

Just lots and lots of hugs, and a real wish that I could give you them in person xxxxxxx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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