Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 29 December 2011

Goodbye 2011

This will be my last post of 2011. Tomorrow we are travelling to a friends down south to spend New Years weekend. Something we could not have entertained doing last year. 

A year ago I was frightened to leave 2010 behind, frightened we'd be leaving Anabelle behind in her year, frightened of what a new year would mean, frightened of everything becoming 'last year'.  

I felt flattened, broken and lost. The prospect of 2011 seemed enormous and started with me in a very bleak place. But here we are 12 months later, another year survived and finishing in a much brighter place; for one we have our beautiful boy. 

2011 has meant lots of things; it meant trying again, it meant a BFP on the 28th February, it meant Jon turning 30, it meant Anabelle turning 1, it meant raising over £9500 for Sands in her memory, it meant finding out we were having a son, it meant a very emotionally stressful pregnancy, it has meant a lot of unrealised fears but above all it has meant Alexander being born screaming and coming home! Despite the ongoing emotional highs and lows this year, we have been so very blessed with him. 

This year end I'm feeling quite strange. Another year has passed, 2012 means we're approaching 2 years since Anabelle was here. I can't believe I have to start numbering the years now; I had only just got used to saying 'last year' and its time for change again. Time keeps moving without her and I already dread the single years turning into decades.  

Again this year I'm not sure what exactly to expect of 2012; but the future (for today at least) is not feeling so huge and scary like it did last year. I know I'm still hitting big lows, as evidenced by my Boxing Day meltdown, but I've figured that's just part of life now. Sometimes my grief will be as raw and fresh as it was in June 2010, sometimes the black clouds are going to be passing overhead and I'll be emotionally vulnerable from time to time. That is always going to be part of life now.  

Despite all that and mixed up feelings, this year I'm looking forward to a New Year. 2012 is going to be better, my hope it is going to be the year of some more emotional stability. It is going to be the year to watch my baby boy grow. He is going to change so quickly and we're going to treasure it all. 

So in the spirit of positivity I'm making a new years resolution. I'm going to take a photo every day of this year and start a new blog to share them all. It is going to be our daily picture of 2012, capturing our moments and watching Alexander grow.

And that is my only resolution this year; creating many more memories. 

Wishing you all a peaceful last few days of 2011 as well as a joyful and blessed 2012. 

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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