Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

15 Months 3 Weeks

Today is a milestone of sorts. Alexander is exactly the age his sister was (should have been) when he was born. 15 months and three weeks old.  This is what she should have been like 15 months and three weeks ago. Like her brother is now. Happy, cheeky, bright, wonderful, always ready to explore his world. Or would she? I like to imagine their similarities in looks but they could have been so very different in personality. 

It makes me wonder once again what she would've been like and I find it so hard to imagine despite trying so hard to see her in him. Would she have been walking by now, unlike her brother? Would she have enjoyed toys and books as much as her brother? Would she have the same play skills? Would she have been as boisterous as Xander or quieter?   What sort of nearly toddler would Anabelle have been the day her brother was born; the same age he is today? We'll never know. 

I struggle to imagine another newborn in our lives now with our 15 month and three week old son. He seems so young, so baby like, for there to be another baby yet. I wouldn't feel ready yet, still nurturing my son. But this might've been our reality if Anabelle had lived. Might have, but unlikely. 

This only feeds into my guilt; he is only here because she is not. I worry that he'll think in the future he is just her replacement. That in less than a year, or eight months to be exact, we were expecting him. What age gap would we have planned if she had been alive? Well, probably a similar age gap to the one we're planning now; which isn't quite yet.  Which means he was planned sooner than he would've been. Did we leave enough healing time?  

The decision to try again when we did was momentous; it wasn't a crazy overnight decision. Just days after Belle was born I put myself back on the pill. There was absolutely no way I was in any frame of mind to think about another baby, I didn't want the risk, I didn't feel the urge to be pregnant again, I didn't want another baby; not to begin with, I wanted some breathing space. Besides we were advised to go through the blood testing schedule which was to take six months or more by the time we had had all our results and final meetings with the consultants. 

When that was over, we decided. A new year, 2011 and to try for another little baby. A deep breath, a leap of faith that somehow we would bring a baby home. Six weeks later we were expecting Alexander. 

My mind boggles when I think of the uniqueness of our two babies. They might have been similar, but there would always have been some differences; parents cannot make the same baby twice. They are who they are simply because of the moment they were made. The egg and sperm race. A different month, a different sperm; the same month, a different sperm and they wouldn't have been them, not Anabelle as I wish we'd known her, or Alexander as he is. They would have been different babies, different people. I find it fascinating. Each combination a very unique individual despite sharing so many of the same genes in their DNA. 

Babies and siblings are really very special indeed. 

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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