Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

#5 Health

On a scale of 1-10 how is your health? 

Maybe a 7 or 8? 

In what context? With 10 being a high/good and 1 low/bad? Physical health? Emotional health? 

Physical health, well there is my 7 or 8 above. Day to day I'm not too sickly. I don't have lots of coughs and colds, or general feeling of being unwell. Why not the full 10? I have occasional IBS. My diet is rubbish, inconsistent. I'm overweight. It yo-yos. I lose a stone, to put it back on again. Since breastfeeding my appetite has been enormous! There are things I need to change. Most recently my main complaint has been frequent headaches, following a migrane at the end of November, but I'm hoping after new glasses these will clear up to normal and infrequent again. But on the whole? Physically I feel ok. 

Emotionally? Not always so great. I think I would score that anywhere on the majority of the scale to be honest; not the full 10, but you know there are times I do feel pretty good! It is exhausting swinging from one extreme to the other but that is my life. The way it is. Last week I would've scored my emotional health at a 3-5 depending on the day. Triggers had set me off. All familiar hurt there, breaking for my daughter. 

This week, I'm so far feeling better than I was last week. Less emotional. I haven't cried yet; an improvement on last week! Today I'd score my emotional health a 6 or 7. 

See, my emotional health is a scale. It isn't perfect, but it is never going to be is it. 

Anabelle will always be dead. Her absense is always always going to affect me in a momentous way. Some weeks I don't process my life well, I am reactive and raw. Other weeks I process it better. Maybe one day there will be lots of good processing and less reactive processing. Some weeks there are more triggers than others. Some months more triggers than others; the build up to December, the build up to Mother's Day, the build up to June. In many ways I wish we could skip June, the build up of June. "My lifes a circus-circus, round in circles." 

Before Christmas I was feeling particularly low, consumed with hurt once again, the build up to December; its becoming an expected pattern. Since the new year I've been trying hard to be 'better'. To positively tackle head on the things that have been affecting me so much in recent months. To make progress with my demons. There are some big 'tests' coming up this year, I'm trying to put coping strategies in place. Namely the rainbow baby mother and tots group for a start (first visit next Tuesday) and still considering plucking up the courage to ring the counselling service too.  I'll be honest, I'm currently still doing lots of burying my head in the sand at the moment too; in my list of things there are still some that I'm trying to ignore until I have to face them. One thing at a time hey! 

Emotional health might always need some working on.


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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