After Anabelle

I've been lucky to have been blessed with great men in my life. I have a wonderful Dad and a wonderful Husband. Anabelle and Alexander have also been blessed with a wonderful Daddy even though unfortunately my wonderful Jon has not been blessed with the same in his life. 

My Dad has always a constant in my life; reliable, dependable, providing endless love and support, often the calming influence in many a strife, always there to turn to and be my strength when I've needed him. Even now as a grown woman I rely heavily on my parents continuously, I'm sure they wonder when that elusive "Caroline is now totally independent" day will come, but in truth I cannot imagine a day when their input in our lives, in whatever capacity, will no longer be needed. 

I owe my parents so much and appreciate every day how lucky I am at how selflessly they've loved me and put me first. I know I can turn to them in any situation.  We know we will endeavor every effort to provide our children with the same constant in their lives, and hope one day they'll be able to say the same about us. We wish we could've done this for Anabelle.

A year ago, when Anabelle died, Mum and Dad instantly stepped into the role of caring for us. We moved in with them while we were too fragile to go home, to fragile to look after ourselves. Once again I became as a little girl and had my parents tending to us. I felt safe in my childhood home under my parents protection. They could shield me from the world when I felt so unsafe everywhere else. 

As Jon carried his daughter in his arms into her funeral, I clung to my Dad behind them. It was him who got me to the end of the aisle when all the strength in my legs had all but gone.  It was the second time in 11 months my father had walked me down an aisle; the first being my wedding day, the second being an event none ever imagined happening. 

Today we've lived through another Father's Day. A day to recognise the men who've done so much in our lives, especially this last year; my Dad, Mark (Jon's step-dad) and of course Jon personally. 

Today has been so very different to Father's Day last year. Last year we were in a hospital room, at the end of labour ward.  Jon watched on for the most of the day while I was drugged up to the eyeballs on concoctions to get me into labour and spaced out on morphine. Never leaving my side, there through it all. And then at 7pm on Father's Day when I finally went into labour he supported me all the way, through every contraction and all the pain.  Instead of getting Daddy-to-be cards last year he watched as his sleeping angel daughter started to make her way for so brief a time into this world. 

Anabelle missed being born on Father's Day by 8 minutes, instead arriving as we went into the Monday midnight morning and a new day. 

This year we've had a long lie in, I gave Jon his presents from his children in bed, and he has cuddled in next to our Alexander bump to spend time with his son. We visited Anabelle in her garden, and started to make it pretty for her birthday, we've had a roast dinner and enjoyed a walk along the sea wall as the sun has set to finish today. 

Remarkably peaceful really. 

Today I made Anabelle a birthday card from her Mummy and Daddy.  

I know some people will think this is completely weird; but can you imagine not writing your children cards for their birthday? Making a card for Anabelle was something I needed to do. We'll take it to her garden while we're there with her and then afterwards it will take up a page in her memory book. 

We're in new territory. We've not faced a birthday before, this will be Anabelle's first one. 

It is a very strange, difficult and painful place to be and now we only have two days to go. We're not sure what to do, we're not sure what is "appropriate" when marking the birthday of a dead child. Although I don't think there is any such thing as inappropriate. What feels right for one bereaved parent may not feel right for another; at the moment we're figuring out what feels right for us.

So Anabelle has a card, we've ordered a very pink posy wreath with 3 white roses to go on her garden, we'll buy a balloon decoration to leave there and another to release into the sky up to heaven. Before all of this at 00:08; exactly a year since she finally arrived sleeping, we'll be on 'her' mountain sending pink chinese lanterns into the night. We know its a plan that gets us through these important Anabelle days, but what else can we do to fill the long 24 hours that make up her birthday? 

But first tomorrow, we're to get through Father's Day...

Yesterday we walked for Anabelle and for the other 16 babies that were born sleeping or died on the 21st June 2010; infact we did it for all angel babies. 

In quite miserable grey and wet conditions 28 of our friends and family (and 2 complete strangers!) turned out to walk alongside us and remember our daughter!  I say it often but as usual we were overwhelmed by the love and support; continuously amazed by the generosity of the money being donated. 

The walk alone has raised somewhere in the hundreds; I haven't got an exact figure yet but at a glance I know the walk achieved a great figure! 

When we planned it we thought it would be a nice extra to add to the fete; if everyone raised £10-20 each from the walk it would add to the final figure and boost it up. We thought it would be nice to do something on the 17th of the month to further emphasise the importance of the number 17.   I never imagined we would raise multiple hundreds in Anabelle's memory from the walk alone! 

Everyone had an array of 17 things with them; even if some were hidden under umbrellas and raincoats!   Anabelle's Daddy carried 17 pink flowers, I wore 17 bracelets and plaits in my hair, others also had plaits and bracelets, carried 17 balloons, teabags, wore 17 apples, badges and Anabelle's full name with added hearts! 

Well needless to say the walk has exceeded all my expectations. Just as everything we've planned to mark Anabelle's 1st birthday and raise money for Sands has done.

So to everyone who got involved yesterday and walked for our daughter (including a special mention to those who travelled from afar and rushed straight from work to join in), thank you so much. We love you all. xxx 

For a split second of a moment today I froze. 

A year ago tomorrow we had THAT scan; the one that confirmed our beautiful girl had grown wings. Today we had another scan with Xander. A scan that took me into THAT room, the one where we were told Anabelle was dead. 

It was nano-seconds, but I froze, then took a deep breathe and walked in.   

I led there thinking about my daughter and thinking about the fact that I was back in that room again a year to the day with my son. I led there looking at Xander completely mesmerized by him; his little feet, legs, face, arms, hands - even little fingers! I led there and remembered the same moments we'd shared with his sister. 

Today has been bittersweet. 

Despite the hurting today (and tomorrow and for the many days in a row to come as we live through her birthday and all the other anniversaries) we got another beautiful picture of our already very cute little boy.   What has also been special today is comparing Alexander's "20 week" (although I'm 19 weeks) scan picture to Anabelle's picture - they are so strikingly similar. 

Alexander's profile next to Anabelle's is identical.  Their little noses the same shape as their Daddy - it appears Jon hold's the dominant genes! (Although their little butterfly mouths are mine!) I think Alexander is going to look a lot like his big sister. 

But I don't want it to be tomorrow in just under 3 hours. I'm not ready for it, a whole year of my daughter being dead, I'm not ready for it to be tomorrow. 

Yesterday Anabelle's JustGiving  page broke the £900 mark; her angel day celebrations are now 11 days away and we're only £90 short of our target in online donations alone! I'm really quite excited to announce the final figure when online and offline donations from her walk and angel day are calculated altogether. My little girl has achieved all of this, inspired her Mummy, Daddy and whole lot of other people to come together and organise and contribute to something very special. 

So we're in the 'final touches' stage of organisation now. 

Friday evening we'll be walking around Cwmbran Boating Lake and the Woodland park on the other side of the road in Anabelle's memory; lots of people hopefully carrying or wearing 17 things to represent the 17 babies that die every day because of stillbirth or neonatal death. 

I'm currently getting through out final "to do" list in preparation for the biggy, the finale of our fundraising - Anabelle's Angel Day. I'm drawing floor plans, begging for last minute advertising, trying make sure each and every stall is well planned and just perfect.   There are so many people I need to thank for their help, for their time, for the lovely things they have sent or made.  That will be some astronomical thank you blog after the event let me tell you! 

If you live in my area; I hope to see you there!