Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 18 November 2010

Some Days

Some days I am angry at God. Really angry.  All powerful God who needn’t have let my baby die. All the unloved, unwanted and uncared for children in this world and my beautiful Anabelle was the one taken to heaven. I’m angry at the injustice of it all.
You know what though, it is ok to be angry at God because God is big enough to take it; I’m sure it is better to direct my anger his way for the most part than others. Often when the anger subsides somehow it is turned around to me finding him and the church a huge comfort. Despite my anger at him, God still finds ways to show me he cares. I and God really do have a love/hate relationship at the moment.
Some days I feel really resentful. Resentful at all the people who have everything I wanted most in the world. A family. Our family. What did we do to be so undeserving in comparison to everyone else?  Everyone else seems to be enjoying their newborn baby and watching them grow up, or the people enjoying a life adventure, or all the happy people while we’re broken hearted and longing for Anabelle. Missing out on her first smile, her first tooth, her first word, her first everything.
Is there some life lesson I’m supposed to be learning? What was Anabelle’s purpose in life? It could only be to teach us all something. I don’t fully understand yet, but I know Anabelle has touched people beyond her father and me, and that even for her short 32 weeks God will have had some purpose for her.  Anabelle has already taught us what unconditional love means, taught us the strength of our relationship, she has reaffirmed my faith – but I can’t help but think there is so much more our little girl is going to teach us along the way.
The thing that hurts the most today is that we’ll forever live a life with one child missing, missing out on all of her should’ve beens. From the outside at least we are not the family of three we should be. From the outside all anyone can see is the two of us. From the inside Anabelle lives in our hearts and is very much part of our family.
Anabelle is our first born beautiful girl and that is a very special place in any family.


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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