Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 11 November 2010

You're My Angel

A charity group supporting parents of angel babies who were told to drop the description of ‘angel’ from their literature, in case they offended some newly bereaved parent. Although I accept that not all parents in our situation may be comfortable with the term ‘angel’ being used, it simply astounds how this particular hospital has handled such a delicate situation. The group aims to ‘soften’ the harsh reality in the face of the worst time of their lives. While a hospital uses the harsh medical talk of “no signs of life” in their notes, this group gently honours their babies by calling them angels. If angel is unacceptable I challenge someone to come up with an alternative.
Ironically, Anabelle had been pet named “Angel Belle” after we knew who she was. A little pet name that only her Daddy and me would use. Like we had always called Fiz (yes, the cat!) our princess, Anabelle was going to be our Angel. It didn’t occur to us the connotation back then.  I sometimes wonder if we had pre-empted that she would really become an angel by already attaching it to her.
To us, our beautiful little girl is our sleeping angel. I don’t understand how that can offend. In the days after her death, while we were planning her funeral, we searched for an appropriate picture for the front of her order of service; we chose a sleeping angel. We searched for an appropriate poem to be read at her graveside; we chose a poem about our baby being given her wings.  Anabelle and angels were fully appropriate, kind and gentle.
Today, Jon has had the sleeping angel drawing (but with more depth and shading) tattooed above his heart with Anabelle’s name. It is perfect and a fitting tribute between him and his daughter. This is how we imagine our little girl, sleeping in the heavens. Enjoying her wings.  When we order Anabelle’s headstone, we want the same image again engraved onto it. This is the image we attached to her from her birth.
It is comforting to me, the thought that my daughter is one of God’s special angels in the heavens.  We have no issue with being described as angel parents. It is essentially exactly what we are.
Anabelle has a few angel things now; Angel Bear we made and bought for her on her due date, her glass bauble with an angel inside that will go on her tree this Christmas, this week my Mum bought a little light up angel Christmas decoration that will sit next to her photograph, here and at her Grandparents house. Believing our Anabelle is an angel comforts us all, as does the little angel reminders around us.
One of the most significant things we've bought recently are a pair of angel wings - to go on the nursery wall one day. I saw them and I instantly thought of my beautiful girl. One day, we hope Anabelle will share her nursery with a brother or sister, and when that times comes, her wings will be on the wall,  a beautiful letter 'A' painted between them. She'll still be in her nursery looking over her sibling.
We are angel parents, and Anabelle is, in everyway, our little angel baby daughter. And so you see; some people can only dream of angels, but we held one in our arms.

Lord, today we sent our baby to you
Please give her wings and let her fly
She's new at this so take it slow
Teach her how they flutter by

We'll miss her so much
And we'll never know her smile
But you need her and now she's yours
She was only ours a little while

She'll never know pain
And she'll never know fear
For we know that you will keep her near
And now . . .

We close our eyes to say good bye
And watch her fly away to you
Please keep her Lord, and love her 'till
We get our wings and join you too.


Ellie said...

Caz - I hope you don't mind, but I am a mumsnetter who followed you over here from Susan's blog. The poem in this post is both beautiful and heartbreaking. I can't imagine your pain, but my heart goes out to you and your husband.


Anonymous said...

You write so well, your blog is beautiful, a wonderful tribute. Wishing you comfort and peace xx

Caz said...

Thank you Ellie and Anonymous (22.40) :) I don't mind people reading at all.

I get so much out of writing my blog, and hope others get something out of reading it.

It really helps me to begin to manage and process all my thoughts and feelings. I find if I'm having a bad day, writing it out calms me down and I can put whats been on my mind "to bed" as it were!

Caz xx

Sorreya said...

So wonderfully put as usual xx

Anonymous said...

very nice poem and so sorry for your lost, now there is a little angel in heaven waiting for you to join her soon , rest in peace annabelle. God bless you.

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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