Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 1 November 2010

Hello November

Our little Anabelle has existed for a year. In the first few days of November 2009 her little life was created, although we did not know it yet. November was a very different time for us last year.
Today I’ve struggled. For a start November means it’s nearly December and the dreaded C word. November means I go back to work in two days, when my maternity was supposed to last until May with my daughter alive. November means it’s the anniversary of my Grandad’s death this week.  
We had a difficult morning. Jon had his lumbar puncture procedure. Before we arrived we were both already anxious. Jon of the procedure, I’ve never seen him so scared. Me of the possible results and what they will mean for us. The procedure wasn’t successful, the Doctor tried three times but with no luck. Jon was as white as a sheet by the time they gave up. So now the wait for results will be even longer, and my poor husband has to go through it all again in a fortnight.
Between my post-birth blood disorder tests and Jon’s symptoms, will 2010 bring more shattering news? I just hope that whatever it is, if anything, for both of us, it is treatable and not as serious as we’re fearing.
Then this afternoon I heard poor Lily Allen’s news, and it has rocked me.  I’m so upset and quite teary for her, knowing exactly what she’ll be feeling today. I’m angry, disgusted and saddened that the newspapers have reported her loss as a miscarriage. Her fully formed, 6 months grown baby as a miscarriage. Yet again, even though I hate the word, is stillbirth too taboo to report on properly? They have belittled her loss and what she is going through. Her baby has not been honoured as a real little person by the papers. They’ve not reported she will have given birth, that her little baby was BORN. That Lily and her partner will have held their silent baby, never seen their babies eyes, that they will now be planning her babies funeral and living this forever. They haven't report that she’ll now go through the after effects of birth, the bleeding for 6 weeks, the milk coming in and leaking for weeks to come.
I hope Lily is directed to some proper help, that she’ll find Sands in the coming weeks. That people will recognise her loss for what it really is. Her child has died. Just like Anabelle.
I’m surprised how much this has affected me. But the news of someone so public suffering what we have has re-opened my wounds again, especially as it has been so poorly reported. Will the 6500 angel babies every year ever get any awareness?
This evening I’ve registered our intention with Sands to hold a fundraising and raising awareness 1st birthday party for my Anabelle and Sands. I know it is still a way off for now, but I also know how quickly it will suddenly arrive and there is lots of to do and organise. We want it to be a spectacular event. Just as our beautiful Anabelle deserves.

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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