After Anabelle

There are 18 days left until Anabelle's 1st birthday. 

How is it June again already? 12 months gone by, a whole year. It's too fast. I'm not ready for it to be a year. Life feels heavy at the moment; the weight of the world on my shoulders, juggling far too many balls. Of course I knew June was going to be difficult but here we are and I'm wondering if I've bitten off far more than I can chew. 

I'm beginning to re-live the "this time last years" when our nightmare began. The onset of a threatened premature labour, a hospital stay, a discharge and then after thinking we'd succeeded in keeping her safe for the time being and out of special baby care, she died a week later. 

Maybe the start of June is contributing to the pressure and fear of this pregnancy. This time last year I ended up on the sick and then on maternity leave far earlier than I ever imagined. After all it is this time last year it all ended for us with Anabelle. Or maybe it was this time last year that everything started for us with Anabelle; I suppose it depends which side of the coin you're looking at. 

I don't think I'm quite all there at the moment, I can't pull my head together properly. A big part of me would love to start curling up away from the world, see as few people as possible and hibernate until November. Not that it is possible; trying to meet my teaching responsibilities and the start of the second busiest half term in an academic year, my angel Mummy responsibilities and pulling off a successful fundraising day for Anabelle, my pregnant Mummy responsibilities and just somehow keeping Bow alive (although realising that this one is completely out of my control)... lots of hospital appointments and remembering everything else that has to happen this month too.

Maybe I should've just concentrated on getting through June instead of having all these plans to contend with on top of all the first anniversaries and Anabelle's 1st birthday.