Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

32 Weeks

Today I am 32 weeks pregnant. The last time I was 32 weeks pregnant Anabelle had only 4 days left to live; we had no clue, the mere possibility of our daughter dying had not once crossed our minds. 

We were in the middle of a getting ready frenzy after her threatened early delivery just days before. Her nursing chair had been built, the rest of her furniture wasn't going to be far behind, I was washing clothes to  frantically put together a hospital bag because early delivery was a strong possibility, her room was being painted, we'd booked another visit from our pregnancy photographer. 

Her last 4 days with us were so very busy when maybe I should've been paying her far more attention. Maybe I missed something. See even almost 15 months on I'm stuck in the middle of the blame game. 

Today I just cannot comprehend getting past Saturday. 

It feels alien to me that Alexander will outlive the age his sister was.  Today I feel strange. Like I'm holding my breath, my heart feels almost stopped,  waiting, stuck in a moment not daring to believe Sunday will arrive with everything still ok. It almost feels like a countdown to some sort of explosion. 

In my world pregnancy stops at 32+4. 

This week I really don't know what to do with myself. 


Anonymous said...

Never forget the best piece of advice I have ever been given......'One foot in front of the other and dont forget to breathe!' All will be well, my friend, all WILL be well xxx

Love Shabbs xx

Anonymous said...

Don't try and get to Sunday in one step. Just breath and get through the next hour. Have a cup of tea and a biscuit and then get through the next hour. Love and faith got you this far, it will carry you for the next 5 weeks too.
As Edie would say - Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust, you just need to believe (the wisdom of a 3 year old)

Now go and put that kettle on and grab the biscuits



Rebecca said...

You're doing really well Caz... Sunday seems a long way off but if you break it down into tiny pieces, hour by hour as Sarah said you might feel better.

Do you have DVD box sets of something fun you can watch? My last few weeks of pregnancy were taken up with Desperate Housewives when I wanted to chill, and The Sopranos when I, erm, didn't.

Anonymous said...

Know that there are so many of us holding our breath along with you Caz, and wishing Alexander kicking and screaming into the world.

You are such a beautiful, inspirational person. I'm sure Anabelle is so very proud of you.

Tamara x

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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