Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

The Plan

Today is a much calmer day.  The hysterical state I was in over the weekend and start of this week is beginning to subside; Alexander is still safe and well, and still cooking.   I’m more pregnant than I’ve ever been before and he is now 5 days older than his sister ever got to be.

Until the weekend I’m still in hospital. Most people would’ve gone stir crazy still being on a ward after a week, Jon and I on the other hand have needed this level of reassurance this week.  We’ve felt safe with me and baby here; Xander monitored regularly to catch any potential early signs of distress. Luckily we’re being cared for by a great team of understanding midwives and my consultant.  No-one has made me feel like I’m over-reacting or irrational; only reassuring me that my anxieties are perfectly founded and they will do all that they can to make us feel secure.

When I last posted, and up until Tuesday I couldn’t imagine ever feeling safe enough to go home again. Not until my baby boy was here. Even now “safe” isn’t the right term of expression. I’m not entirely convinced I do feel “safe” to go home; it is easy to feel calm and together from a hospital bed surrounded by a medical team.  

However since Tuesday my entire self has started to calm down. Well as calmed down as I think I will ever be until my little boy arrives screaming. We’d accepted that anxiety was going to be a main player in this pregnancy even before this episode. Goes without saying we’re living on a knife edge now; each day is a bit of a celebration and a step closer to our miracle.

Now I’m not being chucked out at the weekend by any means, they told me I could stay until I felt ok to leave, no-one is pressuring me to be discharged; but here we are, at Thursday, a week after I was admitted and feeling like going home is just about within my coping limits again. Maybe. I won’t actually know until I try.

So this is my decision. With two more days to prepare myself, I’m coming home Saturday morning as long as nothing happens in the meantime.

Then, if of course all goes to the plan, after spending 2 weeks and 3 days at home (whilst also visiting daily as an outpatient for continued close monitoring) I will be re-admitted at 36 weeks pregnant. This time it will be to be induced and bring out beautiful boy into this world. Screaming.

Screaming, alive and our miracle is the absolute key.

Now all we have to do is survive until the 11th October. Me and Jon; survive without losing the plot completely. Alexander; to stay strong and come home with us.

Today we’ve got 2 weeks and 5 days to go. 


Anonymous said...

So relieved to read this - everybody is rooting for you both on our 'special thread.' I can feel the relief in your words. Holding you close xxx

Love, Shabbs xx

Hannah Morris said...

Much love from me too! I'm keeping you, Jon and Xander in my prayers!


Sam H said...

So relieved to hear this - we've been thinking of you lots this week. Love and hugs to you both xx

My New Normal said...

I'm so relieved. I've been checking every day for updates. Hang in there!!!

Sarita Boyette said...

I'm so thankful you & baby are still OK. Still praying...xoxo.

Anonymous said...

So glad you and baby Zander are ok. You must hang on for 2 more weeks and I want to hear that beautiful baby screaming from here xxx

Much love
Lavandes xxx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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