Sunday, 12 February 2012
09:58 | Posted by Caz | Edit Post
A few days ago I said that my faith needed a boot up the bum. Last night I came across another baby loss blog and I think it was the boot up the bum I'd asked for. Fran writes over at Small Bird Studios. She writes so eloquently about her life after loss, and what was so awe inspiring to me was how beautifully her faith came across, despite it all.
I've remarkably failed in that; because my faith is often wobbly.
Too wobbly for me to write about it when I'm in the midst of a constant personal battle. I know I believe wholeheartedly and I know God is on my side but I still haven't shaken away my anger at God enough to find true peace with my daughter's absence. I've written about my anger before; and I still believe God is big enough to take it. Somehow in time it will all be moulded into something else, that is my hope, something more positive. Alexander is evidence of that; because now mixed in with my occasional uprising of anger at God is true thankfulness to Him too. I have been truly blessed with my boy.
I don't understand why He needed my Anabelle. Maybe peace will not come until my own death, maybe then the reason for her absence will be revealed. I believe when I die we will be reunited, I will hold my daughter again. I don't know if she'll still be a baby or if she'll have grown up but I like to think He saved her; saved her from an illness we and the Dr's couldn't see. Sometimes thinking that brings a slither of comfort, even if I do not know it to be true.
My baby loss blog isn't special; well it is special and unique of course to Anabelle, but so many mothers write about their life after the death of their child. So many grieving parents trying to make sense of it all. My blog roll is quite full of people experiencing their own journey such as mine. Small Bird however has inspired me to try and make hope shine through more regularly on mine.
Hebrews 11 v 1 (NIV)
'Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.'
- After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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