After Anabelle

Today I am 32 weeks pregnant. The last time I was 32 weeks pregnant Anabelle had only 4 days left to live; we had no clue, the mere possibility of our daughter dying had not once crossed our minds. 

We were in the middle of a getting ready frenzy after her threatened early delivery just days before. Her nursing chair had been built, the rest of her furniture wasn't going to be far behind, I was washing clothes to  frantically put together a hospital bag because early delivery was a strong possibility, her room was being painted, we'd booked another visit from our pregnancy photographer. 

Her last 4 days with us were so very busy when maybe I should've been paying her far more attention. Maybe I missed something. See even almost 15 months on I'm stuck in the middle of the blame game. 

Today I just cannot comprehend getting past Saturday. 

It feels alien to me that Alexander will outlive the age his sister was.  Today I feel strange. Like I'm holding my breath, my heart feels almost stopped,  waiting, stuck in a moment not daring to believe Sunday will arrive with everything still ok. It almost feels like a countdown to some sort of explosion. 

In my world pregnancy stops at 32+4. 

This week I really don't know what to do with myself. 

We weren't going to have one. It was the deal I'd made with Jon when he agreed to us having a private gender scan at 18 weeks; a gender scan or 4D scan later on, but not both. 

At 18 weeks I couldn't see beyond needing know who my baby was, so then it was an easy decision to make. I was impatient to know if Bow was a boy or girl and that was all that mattered to me right then; naming our baby and getting to know them. 18 weeks now feels like a lifetime ago. 

Last Sunday evening I had a bit of a meltdown, it had been building for a lot of that afternoon, overwhelmed that we'd almost reached 31 weeks and the point when Anabelle started to show signs of not being safe. 

I really hadn't thought too much about 4D scans since our gender scan, because that was the deal I'd made. Then fear got the better of me, it was unexpected, but Sunday I knew I had to have a 4D scan. What was important now was that I had to see our son alive, see his little face, see him moving.  I knew I couldn't cope with the risk of only seeing my 'sleeping' still baby again. I also felt this urge to compare him to Anabelle, to see where the likeness' are now. You might recall my post a few weeks ago about being anxious how I might react to him in real life if he looks like his sister. 

So in the panic of approaching 31 weeks, everything this point of pregnancy represents and being terrified he would soon die I reached emotional wreck levels, cried for a lot of the evening and begged Jon to agree to a 4D scan despite the deal I'd made with him weeks earlier. 

Wow! I may be biased, as after all I am his mother; but isn't he is beautiful?!  Cute chubby little cheeks! I was amazed how full his face looks already! 

He's apparently a bit of a chubster by his estimated weight. Quite a bit bigger than his sister was when she was born at 32 weeks. I'm not sure how much I believe in these estimated weights but needless to say it has me a little concerned, but that is another post for another time. 

I'm absolutely mesmerized by Alexander. My gorgeous boy. Yesterday we saw our son move his hands and fingers, yawn, frown, put his hand in his mouth, cover both his eyes with his hands, cwtch his hands to the side of his face and lean on them like a pillow! We even saw him stick his tongue out! 

Yesterday we saw our son 'being alive' and now whatever happens we have a DVD of him to treasure forever. Yesterday was a very special moment.  

I see a  lot of Anabelle in him, there are lots of similarities that I was expecting. On the scan these haven't fazed me as I was worried about, at this moment I think it is lovely that he has these links to his sister. I still wonder what that 'real life' feeling will be like though. I also think there are features there that are unique to him too though; his face if a bit fuller and his nose might be slightly wider although a simular shape. And mainly he looks 'all boy' to me compared to his sister's more delicate features!  I also see a lot of Jon in him. 

I've got to be honest; this little boy, my little boy completely stole my heart yesterday. We loved him so much already, but now I'm even more head over heels in love with him! I left the scan gushing, euphoric and bouncing. 

Today, fear has got the better of me again as we approach the dreaded 32 weeks milestone. I wish it was safe for him to be born now; induction day is so far away and I'm terrified I can't keep him alive that long. I'm more anxious than ever that I'll actually get to dote on him day by day forever. What I need is a kick up the bum to cling onto the magical moments like yesterday and focus less on the fear. I just wish I knew how to let it go completely. 

I need to work on some real faith and belief that Alexander WILL come home. 

So the good news is we've passed the point where I threatened prem-labour with Anabelle by one whole day. Yesterday I was 31+1 weeks pregnant; the day when last time I was going to the hospital because Anabelle had been quiet and ended up being admitted and told she might be on her way. 

Today I'm 31+2 and on prem-labour watch. Only I don't know what I'm looking out for. I don't feel very able to trust my judgement, whether it be for labour or moving quick enough if Alexander is quiet. I'm on full alert with every ache, twinge or pain but I've no idea what is of real concern and what is normal for a heavily pregnant woman.    

I mean tonight, of course I'm aching and a have heavy tired bump pain,. I'm enormous and I've been at work all day. Who wouldn't be tired and in pain? 

There is a great element of feeling out of control now, and for someone who has often been labelled a control freak its pretty huge to feel so powerless with an overwhelming sense of vulnerability. Powerlessness always adding to the anxiety. I have such difficulty letting go in so many areas of my life, but right now there is very little I can do to be in control, my body will do what it will do regardless of what control measure I attempt to put in place. 

The feeling of being out of control especially spirals when I cannot trust myself anyway. I don't even know if I would recognise a prem-labour again, I didn't recognise it last time. Last time I was uncomfortable, that was it. It was the hospital who picked up on the signs, not me. I'm uncomfortable nearly all of the time now, but I'm pretty sure I'm not threatening to labour. Not today anyway. 

The one thing that matters the most to Jon and I right now is the screaming arrival of our little boy, but it is also the one thing we haven't got any control over. All we can do is hope it will come true and my body prove it is capable of giving us a baby to come home. 

I feel like I've been neglecting the blog somewhat.  The days just seem to be passing me by.  My head is buzzing with different thoughts and worries but I just haven't seemed to be able to find the time to sit down to let them go and articulate them into a post. I don't really even know where to start. Maybe tonight is not the night to do it. 

Tonight it is the night before going back to work. I cannot decide whether the six week break has felt fast or slow. Parts have been both; but going back to work day has seemed to have crept up all of a sudden. 

Six weeks ago I wrote And STOP! I said it was time to wind down and completely focus on my boy. In reality,  I've got to be honest, despite the holidays, I feel more tired than ever; some nights the broken sleep is now hourly, some days my pelvis feels like it is crumbling beneath me and my iron levels are not fantastic (although the tablets seem to be helping now). 

I don't feel as rested as I hoped I would returning to work. 

But the most precious time I've spent over the summer has been learning my sons patterns and routines; I know more or less when he should be awake and asleep now. Some days don't fit the pattern, some days he likes to be quiet all day and have me in a nearing hysterical state, but for the most part I've honed in on his movements. 

Today I'm 30+2 weeks pregnant. We're nearing that time now; the 31 and 32 weeks milestones where our world stopped with Anabelle. As if we haven't been anxious enough all the way through this pregnancy, now its nearing an all time high. These few weeks are crucial in so many ways; we are so near, but still so far from his safe delivery. 

I struggle to see beyond 32 weeks pregnant. Like I cannot really believe beyond it can possibly exist for us. 32+4 weeks pregnant to us equals our baby dying, that is all we know; and so it feels that these next two weeks and beyond, Alexander's entire life is hanging in the balance.

So its September, I'm back at work for a month and the scariest point of Alexander's pregnancy has landed upon us.