Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010


Three days ago I read a verse in the Bible, a verse I’m going to claim as my own as God’s promise to me. These words bought me comfort as if God was saying your time will come. 
Genesis chapter 49 verse 25 ‘By the God of your father who will help you, And the Almighty who will bless you, With blessings of heaven above, Blessings of the deep that lies beneath, Blessings of the womb.’
I read it, and re-read it and re-read it again. As I read, it appeared to me that I was meant to read it and take it to my heart as a message about Anabelle, and a promise of future children to come. Anabelle was a blessing of the womb, and she’ll be my blessing in heaven above when I get there.
In the middle of August, a thread was started on SANDS about our angel babies being gifts. The Bible verse reminded me of that thread. Amidst the devastation that my daughter is not here I know she is a blessing. Her existence bought joy into our lives.  
On the thread I celebrated my daughter and said that Anabelle is our beautiful gift because;
she chose us for her Mummy and Daddy, she is our firstborn and that is so special, she made us a family, she gave us the happiest 32 weeks of 2010 and shown me how precious growing a little baby is, she has shown me what really matters in life, she has shown me how special it is to be a Mummy and that there is no other job like it, she has shown us how strong and steadfast our marriage is and we know we’ll always be together, she has made me really believe in angels because a little one belongs to me.
Today I’ve had my third counselling session. We discussed my family dynamics, and my not coping with being away. We also discussed God, and I discovered that she is also a woman with a faith. God is certainly putting his people in place to help me.  I wasn’t sure about the idea of counselling but I got to a point, on Belle’s 3 month anniversary, (coincidently also when I moved my blog over to here), where I didn’t know what to do anymore. I was melting down and I knew it. So I went to the drop in centre that is dedicated to baby loss.
I still don’t know what to do – I know really there is nothing I can do but survive the days - but I think I find the sessions helpful. It is liberating to be able to say what I want to say to a real person without fearing I’ll upset them. Someone private to confine in who won’t judge. I think I’m a person who needs to talk about my grief to manage it. I think that’s why the counselling is useful and my blog. Both are avenues for me to organise my thoughts.
After I left my session I went and sat with Anabelle in her garden for a while. Made it look a bit prettier again with pink flowers. It always has to be pink flowers.


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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