Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Patterns of Sleep

I’m here because I cannot sleep. I’ve been to bed, and quickly got up again. Unable to settle.  I wonder what time I’ll be up to until tonight? My routine is all over the place and has been since the day Anabelle died.  I seem to want to sleep all day and then unable to sleep at night. I’m tired all the time. 
Last night I went to bed at about midnight and finally settled at about 1.00am. I used to settle straight away. Often I would go to bed before Jon and he would say he would be there in a few minutes. All it took was those few minutes for me to go straight sleep. I was a ‘soon as my head hit the pillow’ kind of girl. Now I lie awake.
This morning, my alarm went off at 9.30am and I woke up very tired. It took an hour before I was awake enough to get out of bed. Fighting that in between stage – aware of the world, but not quite in it yet. I spent the rest of the morning tidying my house and by 3.00pm I was shattered. I don’t think I slept very well last night. I don’t think I sleep very well any night – regardless of how many hours I sleep in one go. I never feel rested.
So I went to bed for a nap. Again. I slept for 2 hours.
It’s now just gone midnight as I type this. I should be asleep. I want my old routine. The routine where I would go to bed around 10.00pm, get up at 6.30am. Only the occasional nap in between.
I need to stop napping. I know it is not helping matters at night. I just don’t know how to fight it. I really am very very tired.  Even if I’m doing nothing – the emotional energy is constantly used up.  
I know this is all part of grief, but I’m tired of it now. I never did deal very well with my sleep being out of routine.
Night time arrives and the worries of the day play on my mind. Today I’ve worried about Christmas. Quite frankly I would like to cancel Christmas, I’ve always hated the cost and sheer amount of stress, but this year, I just don’t feel up to it at all. I haven’t got the energy to figure it all out. The present buying, the stretching the pennies, the writing cards, the celebrations. I just don’t want to be involved.  There is no part to celebrate for Jon and I this year. Anabelle is not here to enjoy her 1st Christmas, her name cannot go on the cards, she’ll have no presents under a tree.
Christmas - the next major step to deal with – that and her 6th month anniversary day, all in the same week. It’s all looming. Please can we skip December?
At least Jon is asleep. I can hear him snoring.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

That may be true, but I too am not feeling very well 'rested' after even a full nights sleep... J. x

Caz said...

I wonder if we'll ever feel rested again babe... x x

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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