Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Friday, 22 October 2010

Fragile

The pressure of my new life is relentless.  Today I feel fragile. I often feel fragile – my nerves get the better of me, and anxiety builds up and I stop coping. The living this forever hits me again. 
Tears, anxiety and panicky feelings seem to be part of the new me. It comes so easily.  To the world I probably appear to be holding it altogether with remarkable ease, I think I’m good at that painted face now. But when I’m with just myself? That’s a different story altogether.
I’m convinced something else terrible is going to happen to us. I get myself worked up. While we were away I was a nightmare - Jon went for a ‘short’ walk in the dark with his new camera – over an hour later I was getting jittery, convinced he would be lying in a ditch somewhere – Dad had to come out with me in the pitch black to find him. Of course he was fine.   Jon climbed to the top of a waterfall with Dad, I got upset, convinced he’d get too close to the edge, fall off and die. Of course he was fine. Mum and Dad turned up at the lodge an hour and half after they should’ve done, I couldn’t get hold of them, convinced myself they’d crashed the car and died.  Of course they were fine.
At home I’m still a nightmare. Last week, I text Jon to see if he wanted to meet for lunch. He didn’t reply – for a mere hour and quarter. But to me it felt like forever, and in that time I’d gotten myself in a hysterical mess and convinced myself again that something terrible had happened to him. When he did phone me, I cried down the phone with relief. I know how silly this sounds.  I’m sure Jon just doesn’t know what to do with me.
I don’t seem to be able to be rational anymore. I cannot help it. I don’t want to have these thoughts. I’m not sure why I do have them. But I know the thought of losing Jon, or my Mum and Dad fills me with dread and fear. How would I go on without them?
It’s not always about death though. Sometimes it’s just ‘normal’ life things.
In the very early days I couldn’t easily leave the house without Jon or my Mum. I was scared of what was out there and what I would have to encounter. Noisy and busy places had me in a panic. I needed peace and quiet.
I still often need peace and quiet. Loud and unexpected noise bothers me a lot. But things have progressed now. I still have my moments, but I can just about manage things on my own.
This week I did the Tesco shop on my own. Half way around it started. The shaking, the verge of tears, I felt hot and sick. I don’t even know what triggered it. Sometimes the trigger is obvious – babies, prams, Mummies, baby girl clothes. This day, there was none of those things.
I did finish the shop, but I did feel like I could’ve collapsed by the time I got back to the car. It took 2 hours led on the sofa, a cuddle from Jon and quiet before I felt better again.
Today I’m feeling weepy and nervous. But I don’t even know what of. I’m exhausted again. I’m fighting the urge to go back to bed. I have to stop going back to bed.  It doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I have anymore, I’m always tired regardless.
I just want Jon. I cannot wait for him to get home from work and make it all feel ok again.

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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