Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

Family Dynamics

Being away did not end as planned. In theory this family going away was a good idea, in reality it has been a total disaster.   Last night we fell out, irritations all week (and all life, apparently) came to a head. Written down it sounds so stupid, pathetic and petty that I’m not going to give it the time for day in all the gory details – there are too many levels and I don’t have the energy for it. Needless to say I won’t be family ‘away-ing’ it again. 
We’re home a day early –  Jon and I left first thing this morning, no energy left in me to survive another day. I cried much of the way home. I was so relieved when we hit the M4 and home was in sight. The anxious knot I’d had in my stomach all week just disappeared.  I’ve spent the afternoon in bed, asleep, recovering.
Why are family relationships and dynamics so difficult?   Why do the people you expect or need the most from insist on letting you down or causing more hurt and distress? Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I need too much. Maybe it really is all my fault.
I’ve never really liked being the eldest child. Such high expectations that disappeared by the time they got to the youngest. 5 years, so different.  This has transpired into adult hood and will probably remain the same for the rest of my life.   I should probably be more accepting of it because whatever the situation, I should know better, react better, cope better, whatever better.  I should just be better.
But I’ll never have an eldest child to make ‘mistakes on’ – my eldest child has gone. If I’m ever lucky enough to have any earth children, I hope there will be no blatant differences in expectation.  
I’ve never been so emotionally vulnerable, I don’t really recognise myself at all. I feel like a little child who needs looking after. But who is really there? Jon and me, emotionally it seems we’re going it alone. Right now I feel like the littlest thing could push us over. We’re scarred for life, but still there are no allowances made, not for me. What exactly has to happen to me before I’ll be given a break? Having a dead baby is apparently not tragic or awful enough.
Anabelle was born only shy of 16 weeks ago. That may seem like long enough to you for us to be dealing better, but to us, it was as if yesterday. I don't know how to even begin to deal with living without my daughter  forever. I feel very lost, and I'm starting to feel more and more alone.
Maybe I bring the alone-ness on myself.
 I’ll be the first to admit I’m not easy to be around at the moment. And I’m aware that is probably quite an understatement. I’ll admit I’m quite selfish at the moment, no patience. I just do not have it within me to take on anything but my own grief.  Every moment takes effort, I’m exhausted all the time. For the majority of the world I find that stiff upper lip, the effort of a brave face is there – but I thought with my own family I could just be. Apparently not.
I feel a little bit more broken tonight, I already had so much to carry.  I cannot bear the load of much more.
But at least Fiz is pleased to see me. My simplest family relationship and dynamic. Thank you my furball, you are always just what I need.
I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.  I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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