Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 30 October 2010

Bright Shining Moments

So far I’m having a fairly good weekend. Yesterday evening especially had some bright moments.
Earlier on in the week a dress that had caught my eye some weeks ago appeared online half price in a sale. I re-experienced excitement and bought it!  Yesterday, my new dress arrived and I love it, totally thrilled and looking forward to wearing it. They are fleeting moments, but they are bright!  It is surprising how guilty I feel afterwards, if I feel any emotion other than sad or angry. Guilty I suppose because Anabelle is dead and I have allowed myself to smile about something.  I know smiling and happiness is allowed but every now and again it catches you, because it wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’m buying dresses when I should be drowning in nappies.
Yesterday evening we also ordered my new phone. Choosing new gadgets is Jon’s department! All I did was look to see if the phone was pretty enough for me! He had to look at the spec and check out the reviews and stuff. It is arriving Monday and I’m looking forward to playing with it. Another shining moment... anticipation.
Today has been equally as calm for the most part. I hope I’m not speaking too soon.
We had a lazy relaxing morning and have been to spend time in Belle’s garden this afternoon. Visiting never gets any easier. I know her little person is not there, but the body I carried and held is. An essence of her is there. It is so important to us that it looks pretty for her. We want it to look like a little girl’s garden.
 The week after she was buried we visited the garden centres to find something pretty for her and found a ceramic pink heart which was just perfect, a miniature replica of the pink heart balloon we’d sent to Anabelle after her funeral.  In her nursery there are pink hearts that never made it onto her wall -  but she has one in her garden.  She’ll have a heart shaped headstone.
Isn’t it almost unbelievable that we have to design her garden and buy our little girls headstone when we should be buying her clothes and toys, designing her nursery.
I made it my mission to find all the other babies gardens. When another burial takes place near Anabelle I go to look at the floral tributes now. Who is the person resting near her? So far they have all been old people.
But all over the cemetery there are little babies. Little gardens I’d never noticed in all my visits to my Grandad’s grave. But now these little gardens mean something to me, because they represent more families, more Mummies and Daddies living what we live.  
Little baby gardens are usually easy to spot, now. Colourful with beautiful windmills and gently cared for.  I’m determined Anabelle’s garden will be just as fitting for her when the ground has settled some more and grassed over. I have to patient. I cannot do everything I want to do for her just now.
Most have a petite little headstone, often adorned with a teddy or rabbit. Anabelle’s headstone will be adorned with her sleeping angel. The sleeping angel we had on the front of her Order of Service. The sleeping angel her Daddy is having tattooed near his heart. It represents her. In our hearts she is our sleeping angel.
All we can do for Anabelle now is to love and honour her, and her garden being perfect is a big part of that. When it is finally perfect I’m sure it will be, ironically, a twisted shining moment. Because when her garden is pretty for her, we will be pleased. We get to be pleased with our daughter’s garden. How unfair is that....

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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