Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 3 October 2010

The Caz and Belle Blog

My clever husband (I say clever because its is beyond my understanding) connected me to the internet on my laptop via his mobile phone yesterday evening.  As you will be aware from my previous post I was not coping particularly well with coming away. We arrived at our log cabin in mid-Wales and my anxiety levels were through the roof. They still are.
Anyway, he connected me to the internet, I instantly logged onto my virtual world – my safe places, an attempt to bring my anxiety levels down.
I found one safe place in pieces. It doesn’t feel so safe anymore; I’m quite shaken by it to be honest. A bereaved mother, Susan, accused of being a troll, the implication that she is a fake. Banned, all posts deleted – because of something  that happened on a different thread, on a different area of the forum – but its left our thread in tatters too.
Our thread has gone quiet, people are leaving, too nervous to say too much at the moment in case we are also not believed I guess. Our open safe place has become “closed”...  It is desperately sad and uncomfortable. An avenue of support possibly destroyed.  Not sure what to say, or what to think about the whole sorry situation. So I think it best to say nothing, not have an opinion other than innocent until proven guilty, I’m not joining the witch hunt.  I feel for Susan right now.
Then this morning, someone realised mine and Susan’s blogs are linked. We follow each others. I’d not commented on that thread until then, not feeling strong enough to join the argument. But there my name was... my stomach did a lurch – was I being considered guilty of the same accusation by association? I don’t think I’m the only one feeling vulnerable on our thread now.  I’m not sure what they were trying to imply (probably nothing) but I’ve noticed my blog has had much more traffic than normal today.
So readers, why do I blog?
I’d originally been blogging on the SANDS forum.  But after Susan directed us to her blog I was inspired to blog here instead – because it is open – anyone can read it. Not just my contacts on SANDS.  SANDS is a great service, but no-one there needs to know how it feels to be the mother of a dead baby, they all get it, they know because they are all there themselves. A bit like preaching to the converted.  I guess I thought by blogging here the taboo subject that is stillbirth (and I HATE that word with a passion, but that’s another subject for another time) would be given consideration by those who would have no understanding. (Through no fault of their own,  I add).  An insight into what its like to be me now.  I hoped my blog would be an education.
But besides that, blogging is so helpful to me. I get to say things here, in my blog, that I can’t or daren’t say in real life. A platform to “get it all out” as it were.
So this is me. As I am. I miss and love my daughter, my Anabelle, beyond words. I don’t understand my life now but believe me it is very real and so is she.  

2 comments:

Genna Millar said...

Caz, I just wanted to offer a hand of support and say that I've seen you on mn a few times in a few places and have been so moved by you and your daughter.
I could never claim to know what you are going through or be brave enough to even think about walking a mile in your shoes. You write so honestly and beautifully.

Keep writing: I often find that in ANY situation, the space to write can heal so many ills. It's a way of making sense of stuff that goes on, no matter how big or small, and it's the re-reading that will help you add up.
Honest.
I know you don't know me, I don't want to intrude on you or your gorgeous daughter's memory, but sometimes I find the nicest kindness in strangers.
Sending you much love and peace.
I know your journey is a hard one, but you are doing so well.
Keep going xxxxxxx

CazEM said...

Thank you for your kind post Genna. x x x

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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