Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 1 January 2011

"Happy" New Year

So it is here then; the “Happy” New Year.  I’ve felt strange for most of the night, I’ve tried hard to view this symbolic passing of one day to another, one year to the next as a new start. But it isn’t at all. How can we possibly have a new start? New start means erasing the old, and that simply cannot be done.
Since 11:55pm when the countdown began I’ve just started to feel more and more teary. I’m deflated, my whole body feels like a dead weight. My baby girl wasn’t there to start 2011 with me, the only way I could include her was to write her name with a sparkler. I was in a room full of people, surround by my family, but really I felt so very alone.
2011 is completely unknown. It makes everything that has happened to us “last year”. I don’t know what is expected of us now. I don’t know what to do, what we should do. What can we do? I’m feeling so very lost.
The difference between how I felt this time last year, and how I’m feeling now is immense. There is a huge empty void where excitement and anticipation used to be. I’m struggling to hope tonight. I don’t know what we have to hope for. The future is just one big scary place of unknown, and all the New Year has done has highlight this in glaring lights.  
Where do we go now?  Tonight it hurts.


Anonymous said...

Hang in there!!!

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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